Episode 8

CONFLICT (PART 2)

Welcome back everyone! Today, I will continue with Part 2 on the issue of conflict. In Part 1, I talked about the conflict of our desires in us and the conflict of our desires with others. In today’s episode I will continue with the third point followed by some applications.

Here’s the third point:

III The Conflict of Our Desires With God

James tells us the reason why we don’t get what we desire or what we want from others in a conflict. This is what he said in chapter 4:2c You do not have because you do not ask God.

Now this means that there are good things and things that even God promises or desires to give us, but then we still do not have it. Why? James says, simply because we did not pray and ask God. This reminds us that there are somethings that God will give us only when we pray and ask Him.

Question: Did you take time to pray and ask God specifically for those things that you desire from others? For instance, we desire our kids to respect and obey us. Nothing wrong in this desire. But did you really take time to specifically pray that your kids will respect and obey you? Or did you just simply wondered why kids these days are so disrespectful and even complained about it with your friends?

We desire our parents to love us, to be patient with us, and to understand us. Nothing wrong in this desire. But did you really take time to specifically pray for your parents about your desire? Or did you just simply concluded that our parents are so out-dated, and they will never understand us and therefore just don’t care and rebel?

We desire our spouse to love us unconditionally, to make time for us, to be faithful to us. Again, nothing wrong in this desire. But did you really take time to specifically pray for your spouse about your desire? Or did you just simply harbour it in your heart or go and complain about your spouse to your friends?

And then for some of you, you really don’t take time to pray and ask God to give you what you desire from others. Do you know why? Because let’s be honest, for some of you, you already know that what you desire is evil – they are selfish, motivated by lust, greed, or pride. So obviously if that’s the case then you will not pray and ask God.

Now, at this point, some of us may think, what I desire from the other person is nothing wrong or evil; it even appears to be good and pleasing to God, and I even took time to pray about it. But then how come I still don’t get what I desire? James provides a perspective in what he says next. This is what he says in v3: When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. So what’s the reason? We have wrong motives. In other words, sometimes there’s a selfish motive even in the good that we seek from others. For instance, we want our kids to grow up to be obedient, hard-working, and with good character. Sometimes it is not primarily for the good of our kids but so that we as parents want to be seen as good and successful parents. And God knows our real motives because He sees what’s truly inside our heart.     

And so we must understand this very important truth. And that is this. God doesn’t simply give us whatever we ask of him in prayer. No, He doesn’t. And thanks be to Him that He doesn’t, if not all of us will be in deep trouble; the whole world will be in a greater mess than it is today. We pray to God and then He decides what to give. And He gives us what is best for us at that given time.

Question: What are some of your desires that you have been praying and asking God, but have not received it? Check your motives. Ask God to reveal the true motive that is deeply seated in your heart. Because sometimes we don’t realise it; what we desire may be neutral, or even good and pleasing to God, but we want it to satisfy our hidden and selfish reasons. Is that possible? Well, James tells us it is.

Summary

Let me summarise what we talked about on this issue of conflict. According to God, through James, the root cause of all conflicts is our desires. It is the conflict of our desires inside of us, with others and with God.

Conflicts arise because there are some desires consuming and controlling our thoughts and behaviours. And so, we begin to think and feel that we will never be happy or satisfied or find fulfilment unless we get what we desire. And if those desires are good and pleasing to God, we feel even more deserving. This is where the desires become demands. And so, in the process of getting what we want from others, we argue and fight and quarrel with them. And as a result, even our prayers and motives and intentions of asking God what we desire becomes misguided and misplaced.

Conclusion

Let me end by suggesting three application questions for all of us to ask when we encounter or about to encounter a conflict with someone. Here’s the first question you can ask to yourself:

What is it that I want from him, but I’m not getting it from him? 

Because in any conflict there’s something you want; something you’re demanding from the other person, but you’re not getting it from him. What is it? Ask yourself: What exactly is it that I want from him? And be as honest as you can when you answer this question. Because who knows, you may be shocked to find out the things you’re demanding from the other person. And then who knows, you might just stop demanding. Second question. Ask yourself:

What is it that he wants from me, but he’s not getting it from me?

Just as you want something from him, he wants something from you as well. And he’s as mad as you are at him because he’s not getting what he wants from you. And that’s why to him, the whole issue is you. Listen to him and find out what he wants or demands from you. Because when you know exactly what he wants, who knows, you may be in a better position to turn the conflict around into a meaningful and helpful conversation.

Finally, ask yourself:

What is the God thing that I can do?

If we have the power to start a conflict, I believe we have the power to stop a conflict as well. Especially when we choose to respond by doing or saying the God thing. What is this God thing? God thing is anything that Jesus instructs us through his life and teachings with regards to our relationship with the people around us. But I must say that usually God thing is hard things – such as forgiving, suffering, humility. It’s hard but it keeps us from fighting and quarrelling; it keeps us from killing our relationships with others.

So let me ask you, especially to those who are in the midst of some kind of conflict with someone, or with God, or even with yourself. What is the God thing that you can do? Yes, it’s going to be hard. Yes, it may cost a lot of inconvenience. Yes, you may not be comfortable, and you may not like it. But who knows, it just might save your life from breaking apart even more; it just might save your relationships. And trust me, you really want to save the relationship, with yourself, with others, and with God. Amen!

Word count: 1,335

Discussion Questions

What is it that you want from someone, but you’re not getting it from that

person?

What is it that someone wants from you, but he or she is not getting it from you?

What are some of the God things that you can do when you face conflict with

someone?