Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I am Won KIM, voicing Pastor Caleb Soo Lee Chong. Shalom. Today, we’ll continue to talk about “The Road to a Happy Marriage”.

We have mentioned the harmful outcomes arising from premarital sex in our last lesson. Yes, we are to keep away from having premarital sex, as it would only lead to mutual distrust between the couple. That is not a rock to build a stable and strong marriage on. We must, therefore, look up to our Heavenly Father for help, so that we can take a serious view of ourselves and keep way from falling into the trap.

A couple may be tempted into premarital sex by being together in a dimly-lit place out of public view. Or it may take place when they are travelling on the same trip together. Both of these are opportunities for them to fall into temptation. May our Heavenly Father help us to build up our marriage on the solid rock of His Word, and please Him by leading holy lives ourselves.

If the other party puts a sexual request to you, give them a gentle slap, and let him know that this is not the time. The other party will love and respect you more for it. That’s because it speaks of you as one who cherishes self-respect and self-love, and will henceforth look upon you as a reliable life-partner to raise a happy family together. Let us pray to our Heavenly Father to practice self-control, postpone the sexual life until the wedding is over, and not indulge in such otherwise.

Love must come before marriage and sex.

Likewise, we are to enter the door into matrimony by crossing over the threshold of love, rather than being led through the threshold of sex. Indulging in the latter would be succumbing to sex before marriage, with its harm that we have spoken at length previously. Take this to heart: Sex must be built on the relationship of mutual love in order to have value and meaning.

It is not the coming together of a couple that brings love to their marriage; it’s love that brings a couple together in a marriage. In other words, love is like a plant that needs to be nurtured, cared for and managed well; and sex would then be the natural outcome as the bond crescendos into a climax. Yes, love does not result from sex, and never could. It marks and expresses the ultimate consummation of the highest order between two human beings in a marital relationship. May God shower such wisdom on us all.

When entry into the sacred relationship of marriage is made through this backdoor, it carries a baggage of emptiness along with it. Both marriage and sex are acts of no return, and both parties find themselves locked from outside. There is no way out. You have no choice but to break down the door to be free, which is truly painful and leaves behind irreparable damages for everyone.

People take a more frivolous view towards marriage than they did in the good old days. Back then, when a girl gets pregnant at the courtship stage, she would be the target of gossip and even mockery within the neighbourhood. The pressure to “make up” through tying the nuptial knot was palpable then.

Things would become complex when unforeseen tragedies struck at this stage.  If the man meets with a fatal accident, say, the newborn would be without a father. Then there were cases where the man ditched the girl after she was found to be with child. Her angry brother threatened him with a knife should he refuse to marry her. All of these forced marriages did not have a good start, and there was unhappiness all around. As such, marriages that were sparked off by premarital sex did not have a good start. What a shame!

Marriages that made their entries through the proper gate of Love turn out to be better. By contrast, if love fails to bloom at the stage of courtship, the relationship could be called off with less bitterness. It is thus more like a revolving door, and parting of ways would be less painful. As a result, there would be no coercion and less drama and trauma involved.

There was this couple who got engaged after a period of getting to know each other and falling in love. Soon, they realized that they were not suited to become husband and wife after all. They approached the pastor who suggested holding a thanksgiving get-together during which they would make known their heart-felt wishes in public. This is a beautiful witness. There must be a reason why they did not think that it was suitable for them to start a family. If their marriage could not glorify God, then it would be better not to proceed further.

Likewise, why are you getting married? It would be great if your marriage enables God to be glorified. Dear brothers and sisters, because they have started their walk from love, there was no premarital sex, and have trusted and respected each other as well. If one could see the other party as being unsuitable, or that he is the one who is not suitable, and could not glorify God, they can then put the emotional baggage behind.  Such a move will not result in any sense of emptiness when they decide to cancel their original marriage plans. These are beautiful acts. May God help us all!

Gender Equality

Men and women are equal, according to the Bible in the book of Genesis chapter 1 verses 26-27. Thus, the Christian faith does not segregate people according to their gender. However, Paul said in the Bible in the book of 1 Corinthians chapter 11 verse 3, “…the head of the woman is man”; furthermore, he stated “…the husband is the head of the wife”. (Ephesians 5:23.) How are we to understand this? The reason can be found as we read on. 

Generally, most people do not understand the bible, and thought that the word “head” points to authority or power, but this is certainly not the case.

Genesis chapter 1 verses 26-27 tells us, “…God said, let us make man in our image, after our likeness….”. If God made man after His likeness, then the notion that man is superior to woman cannot stand. In the Christian doctrine, both male and female are seen as a projection of God’s image, rather than in terms of gender disparities. When Paul said, “…the head of the woman is man” in 1 Corinthians chapter  11 verse 3, and that “…the husband is the head of the wife” in Ephesians chapter 5 verse 23, this doesn’t point to him as being a male chauvinist, or that he was clinging to feudal or outdated ideas. Such an approach may be suited to the male-centric Jewish society some 2,000 years ago, but obviously does not hold water in the present day and age.

Let us first examine the main message from the exegetical viewpoint and in the proper context that it is in. The bible did not stop at saying “…the husband is the head of the wife” to harness the wife into absolute obedience to the husband. Instead, Paul urged husbands to “love your wives” in the same breath. In other words, the husband-and-wife relationship is mutual in nature, and this shows up in the two-way love between them. There is nothing conditional upon or according to who makes the first move. Both parties are to take the initiative while being proactive at the same time in expressing their mutual love and obedience. The result is a happy marriage.

Dear brothers and sisters, we are not talking as though the “head” can issue orders much like a military commander. No, no way! Indeed, what Paul said in Ephesians chapter 5 verse 25 was, "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…” Obviously, the Lord Jesus was not referring to the power, status, position of command, enjoyment of honour, glory and lordship over his subjects as misconceived by many people. Instead, Jesus washed the feet of His disciples -- no, He did not stop there! He even went on to give His own life for the church -- the noblest act that ever was!

That was why in the Bible in the book of Matthew chapter 20 verse 27, Jesus said, “whoever wants to be first must be your slave…” Obviously, the bible is teaching us differently from what the world has in mind -- standing high and mighty over his subjects who are to obey and serve him, with no questions asked, whatsoever. No, this is not the correct understanding of how the “head” should relate to those around him as taught in the bible.

We must understand the phrase “the husband is the head of the wife” as one of family order, rather than to view it as one of equality or otherwise. It has more to do with hierarchal position and job accountability. Just as a nation has a head-of-state, a school needs a headmaster, so a household needs a head. If everybody wants to become the head-of-state, or the headmaster, there would be nothing but turmoil and instability. In the case of the family household, God’s arrangement is that “the husband is the head of the wife”.

On the other hand, we see God created man and woman differently too. Each gender has its own strengths and tasks to perform, while being different from the other. However, being equal doesn’t do away with these gender differences. God’s arrangement is that “the husband is the head of the wife.” One can of course ask why can’t women be the head of the husband. Well, the sovereignty lies with God, and He wants us learn to accept such an order. Inasmuch as the husband is the head of the wife, she is to obey him. Likewise, the husband must be willing to make sacrifices for her, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. It is as clear as broad daylight here that both sides are to be mutually proactive and considerate, and is not a relationship where the “head” treats his own folks in a dictatorial and unreasonable manner.

That there are differences between man and woman is an undeniable fact of life. A good example: women are gentler and more attentive when caring for children, whereas men are more suited to jobs that call more for brute strength. Here we see the wisdom of God in laying this out – each half of the couple doing what they do best to work towards the happiness of the family. Nothing can be clearer and more beautiful than this.

Wives, never mind if your social status or your monthly salary is higher than your husband’s; once you get home, remember the head of the household is your husband, and not you. Maybe you are more intelligent than him, but you should never try to kick him down in a rough manner, and demand that he listens to you. When you go against the principles of marriage, you are pushing the joy of your family life away.

On the other hand, husbands must also learn to hear out the opinions and views of their wives, as women are better off at spotting those details that men tend to miss out. God’s ways are higher than your ways and His thoughts higher than your thoughts. He has made women to perceive what their male counterparts fail to.

In short, a wise man stops and listens to what his wife is saying. If you learn to do that, your family would be a warmer nest to be in, and you would be handling many things in a different way.

There was this man who invited his friend home for dinner. After his friend went home, the wife advised her husband to cancel his plans to start a business with the man. Perplexed, the man asked his wife how she arrived at this negative impression of his partner-to-be within so short a time.

The wife said that this man went on piling his own plate with his favorite dishes without sparing a thought for other diners around him. This shows signs of his self-centredness in dealing with people – a poisonous trait in time to come if they were to work together. Few men, if any at all, would be capable of making such astute observations.

Before I close in prayer, let me summarize by saying that men and women are equal. It is by mutual respect and learning that a happy family can be set up and maintained. May God give us this wisdom to glorify Him in bringing out the best of His gift of marriage.

Let’s pray

Dear Heavenly Father,

We thank you for preparing a life-mate for us along our journey in this world, through your gift of marriage through which men and women would set up their own families to complement each other under your tender-loving care. O, Lord, show us your way and we will follow your precepts so that the head of the household may show wisdom, and the wife, obedience. May the children learn how to show love from their mother, and acquire principles and guidance from their father. May this family walk along a balanced journey towards a happy family that brings honour to your Name. This is our prayer, offered in the Name of Our Saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ. Amen!

Recommendations by Rev. Dr Caleb SOO Lee Chong

The three books “The Gospel for the Modern Man”, “Faith of the Modern Believer” and “Values for the Modern Disciple” by Rev. Dr Caleb SOO Lee Chong are worthy books to edify disciples. In order to minimize differences in the qualities amongst Christians, our churches need to set up basic courses to address these issues. In turn, this will enable all disciples to incorporate their faith into their lives and allow changes to take place through renewal of minds. May God make use of these basic courses to edify more disciples to strengthen His soldiers and claim victory on His battle-ground!

The three books “The Gospel for the Modern Man”, “Faith of the Modern Believer” and “Values for the Modern Disciple” are suitable course materials for anyone who wish to acquire understanding of the Christian faith in a more comprehensive manner. The contents are easy to grasp and relate to the real world that we are living in. They are written with an eye for the man-in-the-street and explore how to make our faith come alive in our daily social interactions.

In particular, these are suitable if you  

1. are someone who wants to understand the Christian faith or,

2. are someone who has just accepted the Christian faith or,

3. have been a Christian for many years but still hungering for a firmer grounding in the faith or,

4. are a pastor or co-worker who plans to use these materials for teaching purposes.

If you need to take up learning or use these materials in a systematic manner, please us contact at this email address.：[email protected]