Hello friends! Welcome back to another episode of “Walking with Same-Sex Attracted Friends”. Today, we will be embarking on the journey of a brother-in-Christ, Jotham Tobiah Lim, and his discovery of the importance of the choices we make on how we should live our lives. One of the most well-known internet slangs our society has created is the acronym “YOLO” which stands for “You Only Live Once”. It’s a saying that encourages people to live life to its fullest extent, even embracing behaviour that may carry risk. It invites people to think more carefully about the decisions we make in this ONE life that we have. In this story, we will discover how Jotham chose to live his life.

My life, as many people might perceive it, seems to be a joyful and smooth sailing. I grew up in church and am seen as outgoing. I am blessed with many friends and a close-knit extended family. Furthermore, I am a worship leader, and head of the Creative Arts Ministry in my church. I also lead a Bible study group of 18 people. However, beneath the optimistic mask that I wear daily, lie many crippling insecurities. One of these is that I am bisexual – having experienced more same-sex than heterosexual attractions. I am not afraid to admit that this has challenged my Christian beliefs and adversely affected my self-esteem.

I had a terrible breakup with my first and only girlfriend one year after I finished my two years of National Service. We had irreconcilable differences, such as different dreams, goals, and lifestyles. I was downcast and vulnerable during that period. To make matters worse, I received a few propositions from charismatic and immaculately dressed men. Being the flamboyant and attention-adoring me, I succumbed to all the unwanted attention. I basked in all of the love and attention but felt extremely empty at the end of the day. I vividly remember that I would cry buckets and buckets of tears in my bathroom back then, trying to reason with God why I had been stricken with such a calamity.

One of my turning points was when I met a man; I shall call him John. After 2 dinner dates with him, he told me he wanted to start a relationship with me. I thought about it and while I did, we continued to go out. However, one day, while we were having dinner, his mobile phone rang. He took the call and accidentally placed it on loudspeaker. I heard a lady’s voice, and, in the background, there was a disembodied baby’s voice crying “papa”. At that moment, I was lost and speechless. I didn’t know how to react. After an awkward pause, I confronted him and asked him to come clean with me. To my horror, I found out that he was married with a son. That was the last time I saw John. I didn’t want to have anything to do with him ever again. I told myself that I didn’t want to be with a 35-year-old man living a double life and in denial.

This remained in my heart and mind for a long time. I told myself I would never again allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone at this stage. But you know how it is. After a while, we tend to forget past grievances and revert to our old ways. Bad habits die hard. I became deeply infatuated with a girl in my class but that eventually didn’t work out; yet another huge blow to me.

Months passed, and my flirtatious and fun-loving self, got the better of me again. I met an army boy through an app and he was fonder of me than I was of him. Let’s call him Jason. We went out for about 6 months, just about the usual texting and occasional meet ups when he could book out from camp. One day, out of the blue, he asked me what the future was for us. It then occurred to me that there could never be an “us”. I told him that and he became exceedingly upset. He said that I was confused and a hypocrite. In the end, I realised that all this while, the main reasons I was with him were because he was convenient, and I craved attention.

I found myself falling into a dark pit, reflecting on what I was doing with my life. I realised I was living a double life, taking advantage of people’s affection and attention. My life was in shambles. I was “holy” in church, yet behind closed doors, I had so many skeletons in my closet which needed to be cleared out.

I still vividly remember the Friday night when my dad returned from Jakarta where he had been working for the past 13 years. When I saw him, I said, “Dad, I really need help.” We then proceeded to my room and spoke. I asked him how he managed to stay faithful to mum in the 13 years that he had been working in Jakarta. I thought he would give me the standard reply of how he just needed to do what a man had to do. Instead, he replied, “I made a vow to your mum 34 years ago, which read ‘till death do us part’, and I am a person who keeps my promises. Additionally, I love God, and because I do, I will do my utmost to obey God in all aspects of my life. Lastly, all of you are my legacy, and in my might with God’s strength, I will make sure to see all of you through whatever it is you face in life. Always remember that we have to walk the talk.”

At this point, I hugged my dad tightly and could not help but apologise. I also shared about my struggles with the men I had gone out with. After hearing me out, he didn’t reprimand me, but rather, he asked me if this was what I wanted in life. That question stuck with me throughout the night. I believe in living my life consequentially, because you only live once (YOLO). We only live once. And because we do, I should no longer continue sitting on the fence. One day, I hope to get married in church to a girl God has chosen for me and start a family. But, if that does not happen for me, I know that God holds the future and has other plans. And I know that whatever God’s plan is, it will be good. For He is always good and has always been and will always be good to me. I definitely don’t want to be like John, living a double life at age 35, and neither do I want to continue to be a hypocrite, like what Jason said. I needed to make a decision and get off that fence.

It was then that I found my answer. No struggle is greater or smaller than another. It is how you deal with your struggle that matters. Your mindset and your heart determine your perception of your struggle and how you will face it and overcome it. For me, I am attracted to men. I have and will always be struggling, but I now realise that, at the end of the day, I must stand firm on what I believe in. I am a Christian and I want to live without compromising the values that Christianity teaches. It may not be how someone else chooses to live his or her life, but this is how I choose to live mine. I am in no way judging how you live yours. Only God can. Regardless of whether you are gay, straight, single or married, at the end of the day, that is your choice. I still struggle every day. But I am convicted about the path I am taking and derive strength from my accountability partners, my family, my church and ultimately, God, to ensure that I do not waver. There are too many ways to live in today’s fast-paced complex world. It is easy to be swayed in a million different directions and to follow every new trend until the next one captures our attention. However, I choose to live by my religion. My religion that is not based on rituals but founded on my relationship with my Father in heaven who is my rock, my refuge and my pillar of strength. After all, we only live once so I want to walk the talk and make it count.

Yes, truly, just as Jotham has said, we should make use of this one life we live. Rather than living for the world, for money or worldly success, we should live for God. To use this life we have to be a blessing to those around us, to illuminate His light wherever we go so that people may see that we are different. As Christians, we are set apart, we are made holy and blameless, we are called to be ambassadors of Christ, to be a testimony of Christ and His legacy. Let’s all live lives worthy of the gospel, worthy of what He did for us on the cross. Although we will never be able to measure up, let’s live with the mindset to constantly glorify Him and bring Him praise, and to bring others to Him along the way. Stanley Cheng, an author who wrote the book “Divine Encounters in the Marketplace”, always told his children growing up, “Before you do or say anything, always ask yourself whether whatever you are about to do or say will attract others to Jesus, if not, then don’t do it.” This resonated a lot with me, and I believe that as Christians, we should live in a manner that attracts others to Christ. So, a little food for thought before we end: while knowing that this life we have on Earth is only a short phase before eternity in heaven with our God, how are you going to live your lives here?

In the next episode, we will be listening to another personal story of a sister-in-Christ, Naomi Goh, and her journey of overcoming the hurdles in her life and the importance of a church community. Until then, this has been Global Reachout and it has been a blessing to journey with you. Stay tuned, stay kind and have a great week!