Hello and welcome back to the programme on Family Matters.

Last session we looked at the importance of choosing the right partner. The couple is now ready to make a commitment to a life together. We really believe this is the man/woman of our dreams and that like the ending of all good fairy-tales, we will live happily ever after. Our careful choice of partner is a good start, but we will find that lasting love needs not only sound commitment, but effort to work through together the inevitable difficulties that arise as 2 people learn to live together as one.

The Christian couple has the assurance that God approves of marriage and smiles on the love between a man and a woman. From the moment he created the first human being, God saw that being alone was not good, and so from Adam’s rib, Eve is created to be Adam’s lifelong companion and helper. Proverbs18.22 tells us that “He who finds a wife finds a good thing”.

But there are adjustments to make, however much in love we are. The demands of outside life often thrust a couple too quickly back into busy-ness, with no time to address those small problems that left unaddressed can often become very big things.

Did you know that the Bible suggests that newly married couples should be given that time? Deuteronomy 24.5 says:

“If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.”

Although this specifically refers to army service, it is helpful advice for a couple to take time out at the beginning of their marriage. It is good if a church fellowship can grant them this time, free from over-commitment and with good mentoring from an older couple.

What other helpful advice can we find in the Bible?

One Old Testament book full of advice for all aspects of family life is the Book of Proverbs. It was written by King Solomon, son of David, and has timeless wisdom about a healthy marriage relationship. Men are admonished to be satisfied with their wives. Chapter 5, verses 18,19 say: “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

Chapter 31 is well worth reading by women both before and after marriage. It lists the qualities of a good wife. She should manage her household well, making sure all are well provided for. She takes good care of her children and is careful of her husband’s reputation. Most importantly, she is a woman who fears God.  

Interestingly, there are quite a few verses warning wives against nagging!

Chapter 27, verse 15 compares a nagging wife to a dripping tap. As Solomon had 700 wives, the constant dripping taps must have caused a great flood in the palace!

How do we nurture good and positive communication?

As life becomes ever busier, it is so easy to let slip time to talk and share, keeping our relationship living and vibrant. On a church weekend away, I set an exercise for people to spend time in pairs learning to listen. It was very interesting that it proved almost impossible to persuade the married couples to return to the main group - they said it had been such a long time since they had talked together in some depth as well as really listening to each other. They were extremely loath to stop!

If you are struggling in your marriage, then let me suggest that you regularly take some time out from the daily pressures. Remember what brought you together in the first place. Recapture it, build on it and pray together

Paul has much to say about marriage.

In Ephesians 5, verses 22-24, he admonishes wives to submit to their husbands, advice with which many women today struggle. At a staff meeting a young Egyptian doctor who was a Christian challenged me for describing a couple as having an old-fashioned marriage because the wife was submissive to her husband. But surely, he said that is how it should be! That isn’t not an old-fashioned idea! He was shocked to find the other Western women on the team were completely against such an attitude.

However, the world’s interpretation of submission as being downtrodden and having no opinions of their own is far from what Paul means by it. We must carry on to the next verse which tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. To love as Christ loves means being willing to love to the point of complete self-sacrifice. When husbands love as Christ loved, with a love which made him willing to face death, then submission is not a problem for their wives. Marriage is a partnership. Differences can be discussed, and solutions sought together. The Biblical model of wifely submission never condones violence in a marriage. Expert help, advice and care is definitely needed in this case.

Times of disharmony are inevitable.

All marriages face problems. When we are courting, we often see our chosen partner as perfect. We also expect that they will always see things our way. Not so! I say again, a marriage needs to be worked at.

My husband and I are from Scotland and there is nothing we like better than Scottish country dancing. Having grown up with the rhythm, we have been astonished to find how difficult even the simplest dance is for those who are new to it. To begin with, the new couple will find themselves stumbling over each other’s feet and getting tangled up with arms and legs – far from smooth movement in rhythm with each other. I find this a helpful analogy for the important learning of living together. Practising until you find the rhythm that will make your marriage one of harmony, not discord.

Differences of opinion are always part of any marriage! It is how we deal with them that matters. It can be too easy just to walk away. But a marriage is the stronger for seeing through difficult times together. The problem is that we always see things from our own point of view, and we don’t take time to listen to each other. We just keep repeating our own view and not hearing what our partner is saying.

Listening seems to be one of things we find hardest to do. We want to have our say - to make sure the other person gets our message. But if neither is listening, however much we repeat ourselves, we will never be heard! Learn to listen. God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason – we should listen twice as much as we talk! Proverbs 1.5 says: Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.

How can we learn to do things differently?

It’s not easy! When tempers are cooled, take courage, and tackle the difficulty. Try really listening to what your partner is saying. Don’t then reply with your point, but repeat back to them what you think they are saying. If it’s not quite right, keep doing this until your partner is quite sure you are really hearing their point. Then swap roles. With greater understanding of what is being said, and the reasons for your partner’s grievance, you can try to work out a solution that you can both accept.

Being able to talk together is the best way to keep your marriage healthy. But we can develop unhealthy patterns of continually approaching problems in the same way so that we get stuck going round in the same fruitless circles.

I once had the misfortune to find my car stuck in a muddy field. Keeping on revving the engine over and over just made the problem worse. The solution was to do something different and seek the help of the farmer who offered the use of his tractor to pull me out.

Don’t be afraid to ask help from a trusted Christian brother or sister, someone who will be impartial. Or seek professional advice, preferably from a Christian.

A Christian marriage needs God at the centre.

A couple should develop the habit of praying together regularly - a wonderful way of healing difference. When my husband and I married over 40 years ago, the text given us at our wedding service was Ecclesiastes 4.12 - a cord of 3 strands is not quickly broken.

For those whose partner is not a Christian, this is naturally more difficult. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul says this:

If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.

In his first letter, chapter 3, Peter sees wifely submission still to be right, so that the husband may be won for Christ by their behaviour. We should live out our Christian faith within our marriage and family, and pray constantly for the unbeliever to receive Jesus. In the next session, we will think more about the matter of divorce.

But let’s not forget that for many, the right partner never comes along. We should never make them feel that singleness is to be in any way inferior. Indeed, Paul believed that marriage was an encumbrance to serving God wholeheartedly. The famous preacher John Stott never married. He says: “It is possible for human sexual energy to be redirected both into affectionate relationships with friends of both sexes and into the loving service of others. Alongside a natural loneliness accompanied sometimes by acute pain, we can find joyful self-fulfilment in the self-giving service of God and other people”.   Isaiah 54.5 tells us: “Your Maker is your husband”

Please tune in again next week when we will think more about the importance of sexual purity.

Questions

How do you deal with a situation where one partner feels God’s demands must come above their partner’s?

In these days of women’s liberation, how easy is it to argue the case for wifely submission?

How can you improve listening skills at the height of an argument?