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Hi there. I am Dr. Gilbert Soo Hoo, welcoming you back for the eleventh episode of our series of talks on the topic, “My Work, Career, and Vocation.” In the last episode, we discussed balancing self-care and caring for others. We ourselves must ensure that we are healthy in all respects. If we cannot care for ourselves, how can we be responsible for someone else?
Today we begin looking at one thing that’s a given in life that affects everyone, an inescapable reality. Life doesn’t always go according to plan or expectation. We make plans. We anticipate. We hope. Sometimes things turn out the way we expect or hope for. Sometimes they don’t. And when they don’t, we’re naturally disappointed or frustrated, worse we get angry.
If we made a mistake or a miscalculation that results in failure, we might be able to analyze, problem-solve, identify an alternative or correction, and then we reattempt the effort. If all goes well, we have learned a valuable lesson to help us avoid the error the next time. If not, we don’t give up but try again. Maybe our solution is not adequate or incorrect. We make another correction or adjustment and reattempt another time. For a particularly stubborn problem, we require several attempts, discovering what works or not or what partially works. Or we may have to take time to examine a more complex situation carefully and to discern any underlying issues that are not immediately evident.
Here is an example of a difficult situation someone encountered and how he handled it. To protect his privacy, let’s name him Alex. In his previous job, Alex had to take over a troubled project from a colleague who had quit. In a first meeting with the customer, the customer was yelling. He was angry about the unsolved problems. Alex did not interrupt him but took notes of the issues raised. When he finished, Alex told him he was going to address all his complaints. As Alex asked questions about each issue, the customer began to calm down as he gave information. Then Alex reviewed the specific actions he would take. Alex referred some of the issues to specialists in his company for them to work through. Alex frequently updated the customer on his progress. Eventually the customer apologized for his earlier behavior. In due time, all the problems were resolved and Alex was able to regain the customer’s trust in the company.
Replacing a former colleague, Alex was totally new to and unfamiliar with the case. Yet, he demonstrated poise in handling an angry customer. Instead of being defensive, Alex listened, asked questions, and kept the customer in the loop. It took some time but Alex displayed problem-solving ability and regained the customer’s trust. For issues beyond his expertise, Alex consulted inhouse experts and recruited their help.
In a sense, the difficult project was dumped on Alex. It was not something he sought for. He managed to defuse a very tense situation and successfully gained a loyal customer and preserved the company’s reputation. This was a troublesome situation Alex did not anticipate nor was he to blame. When the project was assigned to him, he did not complain or harbor resentment. Instead, he faced it head-on and proactively completed it successfully.
But not every challenging situation concludes so well. Another example comes to mind, this time involving a friend. It’s his story. Let’s call him Joseph. He worked in civil service and was at his current position for a number of years. He was there long enough to expect a promotion or, at least, a raise, thinking that he had done excellent work. But he was passed over a couple of times in a period of several years. He compared himself with those who were promoted instead of him and he could not uncover any deficiency on his part. Puzzled, he reviewed his performance a few times but found nothing amiss. Compounding his dilemma, Joseph had always received commendable ratings from his supervisor. He talked with his boss but the conversations never yielded any hints as to the hold up. Finally, he suspected prejudicial treatment. He was Asian and those promoted were Caucasian. His supervisor was also Caucasian. Had he hit the proverbial glass ceiling? His agency featured an HR department. So, following standard policy and practice, Joseph consulted the resident counselors there and registered his complaint against his boss.
To his shock, his boss gave him a very poor performance evaluation in the next cycle. His fate at the office was now sealed. Not only did he have no chance for a promotion, he faced the distinct possibility of being retrenched. Further complaints would not resolve the matter as his boss could present evidence that he was not working effectively. This evidence was not so much the objective, quantifiable kind but subjective impressions. His boss stated that he was not cooperative and that his negative attitude adversely affected his coworkers. Facing a non-winnable situation, Joseph decided to retire.
Undoubtedly, Joseph believed that he was treated unfairly, that he suffered an injustice. Making matters worse, he had no ready recourse. In a way, he felt the system was stacked against him. He could not penetrate the glass ceiling.
In life, we all have experienced victories and defeats. We may not wish to call them defeats, maybe setbacks or, at least, disappointments instead. We cannot always predict the outcome. We hope for the best but the vicissitudes of life make some things unpredictable. The weather or predicting the weather provides an analogy that we can all relate to. Generally, we cannot forecast sunshine or rain for the following day with absolute certainty. That’s why meteorologists use probability in forecasting. There’s a 40% chance for rain this afternoon, for example. For those of us living in tropical climates, we could say with certainty that there will be no snowfall this afternoon. Of course, with climate change, what used to be impossible may become possible. Who knows?
Life features surprises, some pleasant and some not. Pleasant surprises are usually welcomed with open arms. We delight in them. A surprise birthday party; a marriage proposal (assuming the one proposing is whom the lady desires); a company bonus (unless it’s customary like at Christmas or some significant event, then employees come to expect it). Unpleasant surprises can range in severity from minor inconveniences, like the boss’ request that we stay an extra hour at the close of business, to more major ones like the sudden dismissal from work without warning. Minor unpleasant surprises are relatively easy to handle. Not so the major ones. However, if we can anticipate to some degree an unpleasantness, we could mitigate the shock by some preemptive action. We can prepare ourselves emotionally by telling ourselves this or that might happen so brace yourself. Or if retrenchment is a distinct possibility, we could start looking elsewhere for employment, get a jump before our termination. Again, it’s like looking at the cloud cover. Dark clouds and sounds of thunder tell us rain is imminent. We look for signs signaling the possibility of something happening, especially something unpleasant. Of course, all this assumes we know what to look for and to discern which signs are more definitive and which are less so.
In spite of our alertness and discernment, we may still be caught completely by surprise. It’s more than simply being surprised and unprepared. Thoughts come to mind and we ponder things. If the unpleasantness is rather traumatic or severe, it’ll hit us quite hard especially if it involves our loved ones. I recall the last time I saw my mother alive. It was a Friday afternoon when I visited her at home. She kept repeating, “Life is complicated.” At the time I did not understand the import of her words. I happened to glance at a nearby table full of various medication, each carefully labelled with a brief note about their use. Then I received a call the following Tuesday afternoon from a doctor at the hospital informing me that my mother did not survive the surgery. I was stunned, asking, “What surgery?” Apparently, it was an emergency, unplanned. Only later after I had time to process it all that I understood what my mother had said. She faced a daily routine of taking various doses in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Life indeed was complicated. Still later after more processing I felt grateful that the Lord in his mercy took my mother home to end her suffering and complicated life. Even so I was devastated losing her. A huge vacuum now exists where she had once filled it.
Things happen and we don’t understand why and for what purpose. We don’t like it but have no say in the matter. We’re puzzled, mystified, confused. We may be fearful, disappointed, frustrated, angry, and even bitter. We have unanswerable questions. Years ago a friend suffered a miscarriage. When I visited her at the hospital, she asked me why did she lose her baby. I didn’t have the answer because I didn’t know why. She may have asked God and he was silent. So likely that’s why she asked me. By faith I’m certain God knows the answer even if none of us do. Sometimes I wonder whether we might be better off not knowing the answer. That’s where faith comes in. Faith is not just believing what can’t be seen; it’s also about living without having all the answers and still trusting in God’s goodness and not giving up hope.
Questions and Comments
1. Recall a major disappointment encountered. How did you react?
2. Can you identify any benefit or gain from that disappointment?
3. Did you experience something that puzzled you and that still remains a mystery?