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Hello friends! We have talked a lot about the necessity of avoiding unequal yoke marriages, and how we should prevent ourselves from straying from our church and God. But what if it is already a little bit late for that? For those getting ready to marry non-Christians, what shall we do to help them?
Pastors are caught between the pulpit and the pew. On the one hand, we are called to teach and proclaim God’s Word without compromise. On the other, we are called to shepherd the flock with compassion. Preaching the truth from the pulpit and ministering in love at the pew - how can we do both? How can we straddle the gulf between what should be and what really is?
When it comes to the issue of unequal yoke, the gulf can be daunting. While we are warning against it, we are also helping those caught in it. How strongly should we make a stand? If we come across too harshly, we drive away those who need our help. If we tread too softly, we embolden those who need our caution.
Whichever the tone, the church needs to make its stand clear. Couples who are seriously contemplating marriage need to know the OB (‘out of bounds’) markers; what is acceptable and what is not.
Some four decades ago, the Bible-Presbyterian Synod issued a “Declaration on Marriages” for its churches in Singapore. It stated that:
Christians should marry Christians, whether the wedding is performed in the Church or outside the Church. The Biblical injunction, “Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14) applies to marriage.
The declaration further refers to the Westminster Confession of Faith which states:
It is lawful for all sorts of people to marry who are able with judgment to give consent; yet it is the duty of Christians to marry only in the Lord.
How do we know who are ‘in the Lord’? The statement continues:
If one of the parties of an intending marriage to be held in the Church is not yet a believer, the minister in charge shall, if the man is the party concerned, not allow marriage until he has publicly confessed Jesus as his Saviour in baptism as the man is to be the head of the woman.
A Christian is not only one who has professed Jesus as Lord and Saviour, but one who has confessed Him in the public act of water baptism. Interestingly, a different consideration is taken if the party concerned is the woman.
If it is the woman who is not yet a believer and she is willing to follow her husband, the minister should do his utmost to bring her to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ before consenting to marry them in the Church. If she has shown a genuine desire to confess Jesus as her Saviour and in fact has so confessed, she should be advised to do so in baptism, if necessary postponing the wedding date until after baptism.
Following this requirement comes the ‘if’ provision:
If, however, there are extenuating circumstances that the wedding has to be performed before baptism, the minister shall, in consultation with the Standing Committee of the Church Session, examine the case carefully and make a decision prayerfully and judiciously on the merits of the case, but always taking into consideration the Biblical principle and the provisions in the Confession of Faith of the Church.
The stand taken against the unequal yoke is clear; so also the requirement for both persons to be baptised before their church wedding - yet allowance is made for a situation where the woman is not yet baptised. Church authorities who set policies and issue statements are aware of variables in real-life situations. Lay leaders who frame such declarations would do well to let pastors on the ground exercise discretion within the framework of policies.
The following story with such a background may give us some suggestions, there are some hints for how to help these unequal yoke couples.
Ying Ying comes from a non-Christian family. She has been taught from young to honour and not betray her family’s religion and traditions. When she started a relationship with a Christian man, she mentioned it to him. He did not take it too seriously until they began planning for their wedding. It was then they understood from his pastor that she had to be baptised first.
She had thought they could get married first, after which her parents would let her decide on her faith and be baptised. But to be baptised before the wedding posed a problem. Her parents had made it clear that as long as she was unmarried and remained in their care, she would have to follow their religion.
The pastor appreciated the church policy as well as the dilemma the couple faced. Assured that Ying Ying had already believed in her heart, he solemnised their wedding and baptised her soon after.
Churches have provided for other allowances as well. For example, if one party is open but not ready yet to make a commitment to the Christian faith, the couple could go ahead and have their marriage solemnised at the Registry of Marriage. Hopefully, in the months following, without the pressure of any deadline, the non-Christian would decide and take the step of faith and baptism thereafter. Should this happen, a church blessing of their civil marriage could be conducted.
There is another story to help us have a better view.
Jackie had always wanted a traditional church wedding. Ben loved her and wanted very much to make her happy. But he was not a believer and did not want to be pressured into becoming one. When they met Jackie’s pastor to discuss their wedding plans, he explained the church’s policy of marrying only those who were baptised believers. For Jackie’s sake, Ben was prepared to do anything. But on the matter of personal beliefs, both she and Ben felt they should act from conviction, not convenience.
To break the impasse, the pastor suggested a way forward. They kept their plans and had their marriage solemnised at the civil registry. Later that year, Ben indicated his readiness to take the step of baptism. The pastor baptised him and subsequently conducted a church blessing of their civil marriage. Jackie came in her wedding dress and fulfilled her wish of having their vows exchanged before God in the presence of her Christian friends.
Some churches do not insist that both parties be baptised believers. If one of them is a Christian, they would go ahead with a church solemnisation. To them, marriage is a sacrament whether or not the couple professes the same faith.
Pastors feel cornered when a couple raises the issue of the unequal yoke with the wedding date already set. As pastors, we do not want to go against what we believe is God’s Word, neither do we want to violate church policy. Such couples should alert their pastors at the earliest opportunity, say, at the dating stage. One church offers FAQs on weddings which include questions like:
What if one of us is not a Christian? The answer: You should wait till he or she becomes a Christian. In the meantime, you should do your best to bring him or her to church, introduce him or her to Christian friends and provide opportunities for him or her to hear the gospel. Please speak to our pastors on how we can be of help.
Non-Christians are understandably intimidated by the church and the pastor. But if we can befriend such couples, it will go a long way to build a bridge for the unbeliever to come to faith. I was once approached to solemnise the marriage of a church member and her agnostic fiancé. After meeting with them and finding out where he stood in matters of faith, I apologised that I could not solemnise their wedding. However, I referred them to another pastor whose church policy allowed him to conduct a church wedding, as long as one party was a Christian.
As pastors, we walk a tightrope between what we preach from the pulpit and how we resolve sticky issues on the ground. Not only pastors, but the whole church community needs to appreciate that balance between truth and love. We can take a firm stand against something we consider wrong, and yet be gentle towards those who are heading down a wrong path.
Dear friends, it is true that we should hold our baseline and be determined to keep bible principles as Christians. But we also show love from God to those who need help and caring. As a body of Jesus Christ, we are one family. We need to take good care of each member. Well, what else can we do for those already in unequal yoke marriages? Please listen to our new episode this coming Thursday. Stay tune and goodbye!