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Growing up in a remote village with eight siblings should have provided me a storehouse of cherished childhood memories. Instead, family demands that sapped my energy, and the physical abuse I endured were the stuff of my childhood. And I carried with me the pains of my childhood through to adulthood.
I had little time for play unlike other children as I was always looking after my younger brothers and sisters. I was also constantly busy doing household chores and the little free time I had, I spent working in the field.
My parents worked hard to send my siblings to a good school in the city but decided that I should remain in the village until grade ten. Only after grade ten was I allowed to leave for college. The college was in the city because we did not have one in my village. I graduated with a degree in Commerce. All I ever wanted to do was to study and attain higher qualifications, but instead of backing me, my parents decided it would be better for me to return to the village for a teaching job. I was devastated by the thought of returning home. But at that time, there wasn’t much I could say or do. I had to accept my parent’s decision. I didn’t question them because I knew they were struggling financially to support my siblings’ education. Yet deep inside me, there was pain. I felt the full burden of having to take financial care of the family at the expense of my own life and childhood. I often thought they treated me differently from my siblings because they did not love me. I carried that pain lodged deep in my heart.
My faith suffered during college when I lived in the city. I had nothing to do with God and lived for worldly pleasures. When I obeyed my parents and returned to the village as a teacher, I was mourning the loss of a life I thought I should have. Never did I think I would experience a turning point in my life. I recommitted my life to Christ. By God's grace, I was changed into a new person. I became very active in church, especially in children and youth programmes.
At a church’s mission conference, God clearly spoke to me that I should go and serve Him as a missionary. The pastor had been preaching from Isaiah 6, and at the end of his sermon, he challenged everyone to respond, “Here I am. Send me.” I raised my hand and dedicated my life to His mission.
However, a major roadblock presented itself – I was unable to afford the seminary fees. Apart from my parents, I chose not to reveal this to anyone. Instead, I prayed, trusting that God would make a way. One Sunday morning in church, as I listened to the announcements, I was amazed to hear that the church would fully sponsor any lady who planned to go for seminary studies. This sponsorship was being offered to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the church's revival. I duly applied and realised that I was the only applicant! Perhaps God had specially planned this for me. The church leaders affirmed my calling by approving my application. I broke the news to my parents who agreed that I could now leave my government job and enrol in a seminary.
In my second year of Bible school, I lost my mother. My father became the sole breadwinner. Yet our Jehovah Jireh continued to meet all our daily needs. When I finished seminary, I thought my church would have a role for me in their ministries and projects. But due to financial constraints, they suggested I explore openings with other churches and organisations. (At that time, it was common for women who graduated from Bible school to be unable to find work with churches in North-East India.) I was disappointed and began to regret resigning from my job. I even doubted that God had called me as I was now unable to support myself financially. But God never forsook me. A faith-based organisation which had heard about me through the principal of the seminary offered me work. This in turn led to the Presbyterian Church of India selecting me to attend an 11-month overseas mission course in South Africa and India. It was a great chance for me to learn more about missions and the missionary life.
I came back to India and began working with street children and prostitutes with the Reach Shillong Ministry. Although I loved working with them, my heart longed to reach out to unreached people groups in Africa. I could not quell the desire to return to Africa. So I applied to SIM Northeast India (SIMNEI) in 2011. However, the Presbyterian church that I had been attending was not willing to support me financially. It was a big blow to me. But through the efforts of the brothers and sisters of the SIMNEI office who shared my plight with the Garo Baptist churches, I was able to raise sufficient support to be sent to Malawi. This was most unusual as I was unknown to the churches and came from a different tribe and church denomination. God supplied my daily needs in an amazing way through my family, friends, and people I met in the ministry. He also reminded me by affirming that “The Lord is my shepherd; I have all I need” (Psalm 23:1, NLT). I served in Malawi for over three years before moving on to serve in South Sudan.
Despite the progress I made in my spiritual journey, I had yet to find healing for the pain in my life. I did not realise that even though I was active in church, had studied in seminary and was involved in ministry, I still carried with me the emotional baggage of insecurity, unforgiveness, bitterness, and rejection. However, upon joining SIM, I had the opportunity to undergo counselling. It was the start of God’s healing in my life. In 2017, when I joined the SIM South Sudan team, I attended a Trauma Healing facilitator’s workshop. At the workshop, I learnt that there were past hurts that I needed to wholeheartedly surrender to God. I penned a lament on all the pains I had experienced and brought them to Jesus’ feet. As the workshop participants sang "It is well with my soul", I could not stop weeping. I knew then that a huge weight had been lifted from my heart. This spurred me to return to South Sudan to serve with the Trauma Healing ministry, to similarly impart healing. God indeed cares for us and wants to heal us. “The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18, ESV).
Being a missionary is not easy. We have to give up many things like a job, family, friends, relationships and so on, but I assure you that the joy and peace that I experienced is worth more than all of these. I grew so much as a person and also in my relationship with God. Whenever I went through tough times, I learnt to cling to God. He has shaped me to be humble, to persevere and to rely totally on him in all circumstances. I keep reminding myself that I am a broken vessel that God has moulded to bring hope to the hopeless. He has healed me and has helped me to journey with those who are hurting so that they can bring their pain to Jesus, our great healer.
The mission field has exposed me to the many pains that people carry in their lives. Many have had their childhoods snatched away, and many take on the financial worries of their parents just as I did as a child. Women, particularly, live with long-held pains that cripple them. I see it all too often in the refugee camps. But thanks to God, I have grown a heart and a passion for women and children who are hurting. I have seen in my own life how God can use difficult situations and turn them into tools which can help to heal others. This is one of the greatest mysteries of God, that in His good time, He can make something beautiful out of pain.