Please hit "WEBCASTS"
Hello. Welcome back to the programme on Family Matters.
Today, I want to look at the importance of forgiveness if relationships are to be healthy and lasting.
We have looked at the importance the Bible places on the sanctity of marriage and the guidance it offers us in choosing our partner and maturing in our marriage relationship. We have looked at the joys and tears our children bring us. We rejoice that God has placed us in families and are grateful for the warmth and security that they provide. We have acknowledged that we face difficulties adjusting to marriage and parenthood. We have taken note that not everyone is blessed to be part of a healthy and happy family. We have considered the need for healthy relationships in the family of God.
How often do we allow bitterness to invade our relationships?
It is a sad fact that holding grudges can lead to rifts in families and cause untold heartache not only to the people concerned, but also to other members of the family. In the very first Bible family, we see enmity between the 2 sons of Adam and Eve. Cain resented the fact that his brother’s offering was acceptable to God, while his own was not. Cain was so angry that he murdered his brother. The death deprived his parents of a much-loved son. Cain was also lost to them as a result of his actions.
Although jealousy and bitterness may not result in such drastic measures, still the effects can be long lasting. Sheila and Margaret were sisters who fell out over the care of their parents and as a result, refused to speak to one another again. It is sad enough that they cut themselves off from each other, but the repercussions affected many other family members. It caused estrangement between their children who were not allowed to know an aunt, an uncle and cousins. It forced different members into taking sides, even if reluctantly.
Sadly, such bitterness can also creep into our church fellowships. If these are not handled properly, they may lead to factions within the church, or even cause groups to break away and form separate fellowships. The writer to the Hebrews urges us to make every effort to keep the peace and avoid bitterness.
A couple of sessions ago, we looked at how a legacy from the past can affect relationships in the present day. Perhaps it caused sadness as you reflected on issues in your own family or fellowship? If they remain unresolved, were you left wondering if there anything could be done? Thank God, I believe that there is a way forward.
Forgiveness is the key to restoring damaged relationships.
In an earlier webcast, we thought about the bitter results of favouritism shown by Isaac and Rebecca towards their two sons. You can read the story in Genesis chapters 25 and 27. Jacob deceived his father and his brother Esau. Such a rift was caused, that Jacob had to flee the family home and live far away with his uncle for many years. He never again saw his mother or his father.
After many years living with his uncle, Jacob decided it was time to move on and establish an independent family life. He made plans to move back to the land of Canaan. But there was a problem for him! He needed to pass through territory belonging to the brother he had wronged so long ago. He was ashamed of his past behaviour and expected his brother still to be angry. Jacob was certain Esau would want to take revenge by refusing to give him permission. So, Jacob prepared lavish gifts and sent them ahead in the hope of persuading his brother to accept that he really was sorry for the hurt he had caused him so long ago. When they finally met face to face, Jacob knelt down before Esau to say he knew he had been in the wrong and was now genuinely sorry. Jacob was amazed to find that Esau was not angry with him. Esau had let go of the past and was ready to forgive his brother.
Jacob shows us what we need to do if we have caused hurt to someone, whether recently or at some time in the past.
There are two important steps.
First, we must recognise that we have been at fault and be genuinely sorry for words or actions we regret.
Second, we must be able to say sorry and ask the person we have wronged to forgive us.
Some of the hardest words to say are – I am sorry. We always want to justify ourselves and put our side of an argument. But accepting our responsibility is the first step to healing. It takes courage to be the one to start the process.
Of course, healing can only happen if the wronged person is willing to forgive.
CS Lewis wrote: “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely concept until they have something to forgive.”
In Matthew 5.23,24, Jesus tells us to everything we can to make peace with one another. Esau could well have rejected his brother’s request. He could have continued to be bitter during all the years of their separation. Jacob had truly deceived him; but perhaps Esau had come to see that he himself had not valued his birthright as he should. Perhaps he realised he had been too ready to give it away for the short-term goal of satisfying his immediate hunger. I like to think the brothers were able to have a conversation of this kind and spend time putting right a past wrong that had kept them apart for many years. An important part of reaching reconciliation and healing is coming to an understanding not only of what we have done, but of what caused the other person to act as they did. Being able to come face to face and talk together is so important.
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24
There is of course no guarantee if we reach out to someone who feels wronged that our attempts will be well received. I remember apologising to a fellow Christian who had taken offence at something I had said. In spite of repeated attempts, this sister refused to accept my apology. I felt very sad and disappointed by this, but realised that one person can only do so much. If an apology is not accepted, if an offer of forgiveness is rejected, we can only leave things in God’s hands and pray.
Our God knows only too well what it feels like to have his offer of forgiveness rejected. The Old Testament shows God time and again pleading with his chosen people to turn away from idol worship and come back to him. He promises free and full forgiveness if they do. But he also says that if they persist in rejecting his offer, he will have no alternative but to punish them and hand them over to the invaders, - the Northern kingdom to the Assyrians and the Southern kingdom to the Babylonians.
In chapter 9, Luke tells us that Jesus sent his disciples out to neighbouring towns and villages with his message of love. Sadly, he has to warn them that people may reject them. If this happens, they are to move on and accept they have done their part.
Paul was not a man to shirk speaking honestly to his followers, but his intention was always to help people grow in understanding of the practice of their faith. His zeal for God and his desire to see individuals and churches keep sound doctrine led him at times to disagree with people. One such was a man named Alexander. 2 Timothy 4,14 tells us that he was a metalworker who had done Paul a lot of harm. Any effort he may have made to heal their differences had obviously failed. Realising he can do no more, Paul says of Alexander: May the Lord repay him according to his works
What then can we do?
Take heart - we have a God who understands!
When we have no choice but to accept that we have done all we can, we need to leave the situation in God’s hands. We can go on praying that in his time, God will bring resolution. In any situation, prayer can give us a peace the world can never give.
Philippians 4:6-7 says: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
In Matthew 5.44, Jesus urges us to pray for our enemies.
Luke 18 records a parable told by Jesus in which he seems to encourage us to keep praying and not to give up. A widow was seeking justice against someone who had wronged her. We can guess that in resorting to the law, she had exhausted every effort to sort out the situation. The judge seemed unwilling to help, but because she kept bothering him, he gave in. Luke says Jesus told this story to tell us we should never give up praying, even when a situation seems impossible. God is always more willing to listen and answer than the judge in his story.
In Luke 15. Jesus told another story about a father who might have felt badly hurt by his younger son who wanted, against his advice, to claim all the money due to him and head off to live in a way his father feared would bring him harm. However, he had reluctantly to let his son go. After a time, the young man realised he had made a huge mistake. He decided to go back and tell his father he was really sorry and beg for a menial job feeding pigs on his father’s estate.
But to his amazement he found his father waiting to welcome him with open arms. The young man said the hard words – I am sorry. His Father was more than willing to forgive.
Jesus told the story to tell us that when we say sorry to our Father God, he is always ready to forgive.
Next time we will consider the lengths to which our Father has gone to offer us that forgiveness.
Questions