Hello everyone. Welcome back to the programme on Family Matters.

We have been looking at how the wisdom of the Bible helps us to be good parents to our children.

Can we also find advice on being good children to our parents?

Exodus 20 lists the 10 commandments given to Moses. These summed up the most important areas of human responsibility towards God in the new covenant he was making with his chosen people. Although many of the more detailed laws of how to live as a desert people in relation to God have been superceded by the sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross, these 10 are still binding on the Christian today. Included among them is the command to honour our parents.

The Book of Proverbs repeatedly urges us to listen to our parents and follow their advice. Proverbs 6.20 tells us to listen to both our mother and our father. Proverbs 19.20 says that listening to advice from our parents is the way that we will acquire wisdom.

In Ephesians chapter 6, verse 1, Paul says that it is right that children should obey their parents. Luke 2.51 tells us that Jesus himself was obedient to his earthly parents.

But, a word of warning.

Not everyone is fortunate enough to have the experience of a loving earthly father. I vividly remember many years ago being at a children’s service where the speaker made much of how God was like our fathers. I was acutely aware of a brother and sister who were there listening, with such sadness on their faces. They lived in a local children’s home, and had countless times waited for a promised visit from their father, only to be disappointed time and again. For them to think of God as a Father was not a good image.

We don’t call God Father because he is like our human fathers. It is the other way round. To be a father like God is what human fathers should try to be, but inevitably fall short. Even though we may not have had the extreme experience of poor parenting, we still need to be careful that any baggage we carry from distorted images of fatherhood are not applied by us to God. We need to study Scripture and make sure we understand the true character and nature of God.

But what is the Christian to do when parents do not provide good role models, or even illtreat their children? The Bible acknowledges the shortcomings of parents. Isaiah 49.15 asks the question whether a mother may neglect her children. It seems unthinkable to answer yes, but sadly Isaiah says, yes, she may be forgetful, but assures us that God will never neglect us. He is our perfect parent, and for the Christian there is the reassurance that however difficult our home life may be, we have the perfect Father in God, whom we can know through his Word and in a prayerful relationship. Psalm 27 verse 10 says that though our father or mother may give up on us, God never will.

What do we do if obeying our parents conflicts with what God wants from us?

Luke 2 recounts the incident when Jesus aged 12 accompanied his parents to the Temple in Jerusalem. It was a long journey there and back on foot. On the way back, at some point after leaving the city, Mary and Joseph realised Jesus was missing. They were travelling in a big group of friends and relatives and no doubt each thought he was with the other, or with others in the group. I remember an occasion when my own son was brought home from our village church by one of the Sunday School teachers. Both my husband and I were astonished as we each thought the other had brought him home and he was, as was his wont, playing quietly and happily in his room. So we need not blame Mary or Joseph – it can so easily happen. However, they had a period of profound worry as they made their way back to Jerusalem and no doubt their anxiety increased as they searched everywhere until eventually finding him in the Temple. Their first reaction in their relief was to scold him for straying from the family group. Jesus’ reply to them may sound harsh as he asks them if they didn’t understand that he needed to spend time with his real Father. Verse 51 says that Mary treasured all these things in her heart. Perhaps this was the first time it really hit Mary and Joseph that this young boy was indeed the Son of God and that he had a destiny that would mean letting him go God’s way rather than theirs.

During our work recruiting young people in Malaysia for missionary service, it was hard to see the struggles between young people and their parents when parents were reluctant to allow their children to leave the path they had chosen for them and follow what they believed was God’s calling. For some, obedience to their parents saw the young person give up the desire to serve. It was an important part of our work to help parents release their children to follow a genuine calling from God.

For some, the decision to change from their parent’s religion to follow Christ can have grave consequences. A young Nepali man was challenged to renounce his family’s Hindu religion and accept Christ. When he bravely chose Christ, he shared what seemed like good news with his parents, but instead of being pleased for him, they rejected him and banished him from the family home. He found refuge with a family member in the city who was a Cristian. But it was a profound sadness in his life to be cut off from parents whom he loved. But God looked after him and enabled him to train as a pastor, with an experience invaluable to many in his situation. I am pleased to say that after many years, a thawing in his parents’ attitude has allowed some contact.

For some, the conflict between family responsibilities and service can be hard. There is no easy answer, as each situation is unique and needs prayer and guidance from Christian mentors. We do need to be careful that we are not using family responsibilities as an excuse to avoid a call from God. In Luke 9.59, a young man says he will follow Jesus only after his father has died. But Jesus’ answer is that the young man should not worry about things that have not yet happened and follow Jesus now. He had an immediate responsibility to proclaim Jesus to the world. God would take care of the future.

In Luke 14.26, Jesus clearly states that our love for him must be greater than any family ties, but elsewhere in Mathew 19.29-30, he promises that the rewards of following will far exceed anything we may have to give up.

But we do have a responsibility to care for our parents as far as we can.

Jesus himself was careful to provide for his mother at the time of his death. Even in the middle of all his terrible suffering, John 19.26 records his words to his beloved disciple, asking him to take care of his mother as a son would.

We honour our parents, by repaying their care of us by caring for them as they become older. It can be very difficult if parents develop physical or mental illnesses meaning that a lot of extra care is needed. We can be caught between the needs of 2 generations – caring for the elderly parent may mean sacrificing time with our own children. It is important for families to discuss the arrangements together and ensure there is a good understanding and a commitment to share the tasks together.

If the burden of care becomes intolerable or our elderly parents are at risk in their home environment, it may be necessary to consider care in a residential home. The decision to do this can lead to a lot of guilt in children, but there are a number of good reasons that sometimes this is the most loving choice. For the last 10 years of my career, I specialized in helping families with a dementia sufferer. Issues around providing the best care was often a source of tension among family members. Bringing them together to discuss the best solution was very important.

An elderly person may be at risk if not given round the clock care. In a good care home staff are available 24/7. They are also trained to deal with the special needs of those with physical or mental illnesses. The elderly person themselves may feel safer knowing that there is always help available without disturbing family members. They may be aware that they are at risk of getting lost and actually feel safer in locked premises. Knowing that they can neither get lost, nor can intruders break in and harm them can be reassuring.

Another advantage of residential care is that the burden of the physical care is borne by someone other than the children, who are then free to spend quality time with their parents, neither burdened by tasks, nor too exhausted to interact in a meaningful way.

As far as is possible, it is important to share our children with their grandparents.

Proverbs 17:6 tells us that children’s children are a crown to the aged. In his second letter to his protegee Timothy, Paul speaks of serving God in the way that his ancestors did, and commends Timothy for the faith he inherited from his mother Eunice and also his grandmother Lois. Each generation has wisdom to pass on to their children and we best honour our parents by respecting the wisdom of their years and learning from their experience.

Psalm 71.18 says: Even when I am old and grey, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come.
Please tune in again next week when we will look at how a family’s past history can affect our relationships in the present.

Questions

How does your image of your father help or hinder your image of God as a Father?

How do we cope with a situation where the demands of our family seem to be  in conflict with God’s plan for us?

How do we best cope with the needs of ageing parents?