Episode 7

Welcome everyone to episode 7 of Responding to Practical Issues in Life. Today, I will talk about the issue of conflict.  

CONFLICT (PART 1)

Introduction

Let me begin by asking you a question. And that is this. Did you ever get into an argument or disagreement or conflict with someone over something?

We all did in one way or another, right? And the truth is, we still do even today. We still get into argument, quarrel, or conflict with people around us. In fact, some of us might be right in the middle of a conflict with someone over something.

Question: Why? Why is that the case? Why do we argue? Why do we quarrel? Why do we end up becoming enemies? Why do we break our relationships with each other – in our marriage, in our love relationship, in our families, and in our friendships? Why do we end up in a conflict with each other?

Do you know why? What do you think is the root cause of our arguments, disagreements, quarrels, fights, break ups? What is the root cause of all our conflicts with each other?

In James 4:1-3, God tells us through James that conflicts arise from unmet desires in our hearts. When we feel we cannot be satisfied unless we have something we want or think we need, our desire turns into a demand. And if someone fails to meet that desire, that’s when we argue, quarrel and fight with him or her to get what we want.

In short, conflicts arise when our desires become our demands and we forcefully push through our way to get what we want from others.

Let me unpack this in three points. Here’s the first one. The conflict of our desires in us. 

I The Conflict Of Our Desires In Us

This is what James said in v1 of chapter 4: What causes fights and quarrels among you? V1a

The fact that James asked this question tells us that there were conflicts among the Christians. And James being James, he has no time to beat around the bush. He is not interested and don’t want to waste his time by addressing the symptoms of the conflicts. He goes straight to the source of the conflicts.

And that’s why he asked: “What causes, what is the root cause – the source – of all your fights and quarrels among you?”And then, he answers his own question with another question. And that is this:  Don’t they (referring to the fights and quarrels) come from your desires that battle within you? V1b

In other words, James is simply saying this. The root cause of all your conflicts is the conflict of your desires, particularly your unmet desires. Conflict in the external is largely the result of the conflict in the internal, which is our unmet desires.

And James tells us that these unmet desires are battling inside of us. That means we’re fighting against our own desires even before we fight with others. These unmet desires are consuming us; they are controlling our behaviours.  

So let me ask you: What are some of your unmet desires that you’re battling with? To what extent are they consuming you? To what extent are they controlling your thoughts and behaviours? Because the degree to which they are consuming you and controlling your behaviour, will determine the extent of conflicts you will have with people around you. The effect is far greater than what you and I can imagine.

That’s why I believe Joe Novenson rightly observed when he said this: “If you are not a steward of you, then you are victim of you. If you are a victim of you, then everybody close to you will be a victim of you.” Joe Novenson

In other words, if you allow your unmet desires to consume and control you, you become a victim of your desires. Not only you but everyone close to you becomes a victim of your unmet desires as well.

Conflicts arise from unmet desires that we wrestle with in our hearts. It begins on the inside of us, and then it goes on to the outside – to the people around us. And this leads us to the second point. And that is this. The conflict of our desires with others.

I THE CONFLICT OF OUR DESIRES WITH OTHERS

James continues and says this in verse 2:

You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. In this verse, James reveals that the problem is not just about the desires we have. Because let’s be honest, some of the desires we have are nothing wrong in or by themselves. In fact, some of them are even in line with the Scriptures, right?

For examples, the desire for a loving intimate relationship with our spouse; the desire to see our children grow in the fear of the Lord, obedient and kind; the desire to be good stewards of our finances or resources; the desire for our parents to be loving, patient and understanding; the desire to see our leaders, members and the whole church grow spiritually mature; the desire to be attached, married, have lovely and cute kids; the desire to have our own nice house; the desire to have a job with good salary, get promotion, get a raise; the desire to be loved, cared, respected, treated well, and the list goes on.

Of course, there are also some desires that are inherently wrong. For instance, the desire of lust, greed, pride and many others. The issue is not just about our desires whether they are good or evil. The issue is that the moment we begin to see our object of desire as something being essential to satisfy our deep longing, or as something that is biblically non-negotiable, or as something that we rightfully deserve, it moves from being just a desire to being a demand. It is no longer “I wish I could have this”, it has evolved into “I must have this!” This is where trouble sets in.

Even if the initial desire was not inherently wrong, it has grown so strong that it begins to control our thoughts and behavior. We end up wanting it so badly that we would go all the way to get it, and in the process of that, we argue, we disagree, we quarrel, we fight, and then the unthinkable happens. We kill.

That’s what James said. In the process of going all the way to get what we are not getting from someone, we kill our relationships with them. And this is why what John Calvin said is so true. This is what he said:“The evil in our desires typically lies not so much in what we desire as in the fact that we desire it far too much.” John Calvin

That’s right, we desire it far too much that we become obsessed by our desires, we feel rightly deserved of our desires, and that’s when our desires become our demands. So let me ask you:

What are some of your desires that have become or are becoming your demands? Or think in this way, what are some of your desires that your mind is obsessed with and it’s controlling your thoughts and behaviours? Of course, not in a good way. What are those desires?

Identify those desires before they destroy your relationships with the people around you, and especially those who are close to you. Because trust me, it’s more painful and hurtful than we can think.

So, we talked about the conflict of our desires in us and the conflict of our desires with others. In Part 2 of this issue, I will talk about the third point and then wrap up with some applications. Until then, stay safe and stay tuned. God bless!

Discussion Questions

1. “Conflict in the external is largely the result of the conflict in the internal, which is our

unmet desires.” Do you agree or disagree? Why?

2 Is there anything wrong for our desires to become demands when it is rightfully

deserving. Why or why not?

2. Do you agree with John Calvin who said, “The evil in our desires typically lies not so

much in what we desire as in the fact that we desire it far too much.” Why?