There is a lot of pain and suffering in the world today, but it is important to understand God’s presence and influence in the face of very difficult situations. Hebrews 10:36 says, “You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised”. Today, let us see God’s unfailing love leading Francis to deal with his root problem.

The men-only ‘Encounter with God’ seminar enlightened Francis to a level he had never experienced before. That was definitely God’s way leading him to deal from the very basis of his problem. Proverbs 3:6 says, “… submit to Him and He will make your paths straight”. 

Francis struggled internally to forgive his father and he knew it was quite impossible to bring up the matter. Then his uncle told him that he had seen a photograph of his father in the newspaper obituary pages a few years ago and confirmed his demise. Nevertheless, Francis felt the need to forgive his late father. 

With advice from the ‘Encounter’ pastor that forgiveness could be verbalised without having to see the person face to face, Francis sincerely and genuinely said, “Father, I forgive you for not being around for me”. At the instant when he articulated this simple statement, all the rage and sorrow left him. All the bluster and bravado, feelings that he used to defend himself at all costs dissipated. 

“I felt healed of all my past hurts and pain. My cries of pain and rage changed to cries of relief. I felt a deep sense of peace, like the calm after a storm. For the first time, I felt restful.”

The second wave of revelation hit Francis next. The moment he was set free, he had a supernatural experience when his mind flashed back to the past: those years that he had lived foolishly and the heartbreak he had caused Dorothy, Benjamin and his relatives. Also, he saw the ‘feel good factor’ was so superficial, and many wrong decisions were made based on feeling good. Tears of regret and remorse started to overwhelm him and he cried so much and so hard. He cried because he felt the pain of those whom he had hurt so much.  He cried because of how foolish he had been and he cried even harder because he was determined for God to change him.

Francis was certain that the transformation in him was genuine and permanent because from then on, he experienced a total turnaround in the way he viewed and reacted to circumstances. For example, he stopped jumping to conclusions and retaliating in anger; he could even calmly receive statements which would have riled him in the past. 

Today, more than 12 years have passed. Francis understood anew that forgiving his father had been important to him. 

“That was a step crucial to restore my marriage.  Without forgiveness, I could probably have won Dorothy back for a short while but the old anger would have continued to dominate and ruin our relationship. Without forgiveness, my old self would not have been patient with Benjamin although I love my son very deeply. Without forgiveness, whatever advice or opinion I gave in love would have been communicated in a tone of anger.” 

Francis acknowledged that his unforgiveness and fatherlessness had affected him, causing him to be filled with so much bitterness, emptiness, rage, poor self-worth and the adulteries he had. He learnt that relying on feeling was the worst way to make any decision. It must be God-led in whatever circumstance. 

A month before the ‘Encounter’ course took place, Francis struggled with Dorothy’s growing disillusionment with him because Julie was telling her more lies about him. So, when Dorothy hesitantly invited Francis to a party associated with a course on marriage, he felt that was good opportunity to prove his sincerity. So, Francis said “Okay!” and was immediately gratified by her expression of confounded amazement!

He knew the agenda of the party.  A few couples stood up and praised the course on how it turned their marriage around. He saw Dorothy giving him sidelong glances and he left his name and contact with the organiser. But since Francis was capable leading an entire organisation at work, there was nothing much others could teach him. However, he didn’t want to disappoint Dorothy, so he warned her that if the first session didn’t make sense, he would stop attending. Still, she was happy and went ahead to register for them both.  Francis was, therefore, unprepared when just a few days before the course began, Dorothy telephoned him. “Let’s forget the course.  There’s no point in attending. You can go back to your girlfriend and forget about me.” She was struggling to control her fury. Patiently, Francis questioned her and finally uncovered that Julie was trying to sow discord between them. Francis took Dorothy to his place to let her see for herself that he was not living with any woman. What she saw must have satisfied her. Or perhaps, she depended on God more than on Francis; she gave Francis the benefit of the doubt.

The topic of the first session was on covenant marriage. The facilitator explained there are consequences when you break this covenant. That simple statement struck and woke him up! Francis returned to the seminar the next week, and the next. Over time, he learnt many new truths. 

On the lesson about primary relationship, he realised the importance of his relationship with Dorothy. He learnt that whether things were going well or not, he should share them with his wife. Francis started to apply the principle straight away. He centred his life on their marriage relationship and Dorothy did the same. They became more patient with each other and gave strength to each other to face challenges.

Then, Francis learnt that he must be more involved at home but not in the traditional Chinese sense that the man focuses on earning money while domestic chores are left to the wife alone. No, he needed to lead as the head of the household in making decisions, showing care and concern as in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Women are wired differently from men. All couples will surely have conflicts. The key is to use positive methods to resolve the issues and prevent further conflicts. That was the lesson on conflict management Francis learnt.

Among the five topics, Francis shared with us more views on communication and he remarked that was good. Perhaps he was enlightened with much benefit. Some people open up when you spend quality time with them; some blossom when you verbally affirm them; some respond to physical touch like hugs and pats on the shoulder; and others enjoy gifts or acts of service. The lesson was an eye-opener for Francis for he got to know that Dorothy loves quality time and touch, whereas he had been demonstrating his love in the past by busying himself around the house doing acts of service. Finally, he recognised that was a wrong match of love languages all along!

Around the same period where they started attending the marriage course, their friends encouraged them to go on a romantic ‘marriage encounter weekend’. The teaching sessions were on ‘gender and personality differences’, ‘communication in marriage’, ‘understanding our roles as husband and wife’, ‘hurts and disappointments’ and ‘sexual intimacy’. The highlight for Francis was the final session where they would be given the opportunity to renew their wedding vows to each other. To make that special, they went for an outing, first time without Benjamin, after their reconciliation.

They checked into a hotel in Johor Bahru well-prepared with clothes in their luggage for the pastor to ‘marry’ them again in a grand ceremony. Francis and Dorothy felt safely anonymous among 30 couples and surreptitiously held hands during the sessions. They wrote tender notes to each other on the margins of their lecture handouts as if they were in their teens again. There was time set apart for them to ask for forgiveness from each other. However, although Dorothy and Francis started sharing with each other transparently since the start of the course, a lot of hurts were still resurfacing.

“Francis, please forgive me for neglecting you” said Dorothy.

“Dorothy, I am sorry for putting you through so much pain. I want to promise you that from now on, I will love you.” Francis’ simple words moved Dorothy to tears. The smile on her lips reassured him that this time, she was crying tears of happiness. That cleared the last of her fears and doubts about getting back together with Francis.

The organiser instructed all participants to prepare themselves for the ceremony to renew their vows to their spouses at the end of the teaching sessions. Both Francis and Dorothy had decided to take this particular part of the course seriously and they had been long looking forward to that. They dressed smartly in formal attire for the occasion and entered the hotel ballroom which was filled with bouquets of flowers and a multi-tiered wedding cake, giving everything a festive mood. 

Francis and Dorothy were among the first couples to be ready. When they sat waiting for the ceremony to begin, the announcer said, “Please get your rings ready for the ring exchange”. 

Let us pause and ponder God’s words for a while, 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”  Francis and Dorothy verbally forgave each other – an act with right attitude and the will to restore their marriage wholeheartedly. In a loving relationship with God, our wills become aligned with His will because He has our best in mind. Our heavenly Father takes joy in knowing we happily obey His requests of us. In John 15:10-11, Jesus says, “If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.” We shall see how God further showed His love and patience to Francis and Dorothy next week.