A very warm welcome to Global Reachout!

Today we begin a new Life Testimony series called No More Tears.

In our lives, there are many things we can neither foresee nor comprehend.  Circumstances may appear to destroy our life and we are bitter and resentful against them because our plans had been jeopardized completely. The good news is: God is not helpless among the ruins. God’s love is still working. God is working quietly, invisibly and unstoppably. Philippians 1:6 says, “He who began a good work, will be faithful to complete it”. 

In the coming two months, Francis and Dorothy in their book entitled No More Tears would like to share with us, about the crisis in their early years of marriage, how they turned from heartbreak to winning back trust and intimacy with the help from immediate family members and church leaders, and how they reconciled and came out from the darkest moments of their lives and stood strong again; and how God’s wonderful love will not let any one of His children down. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “Do not be afraid or terrified … He will never leave you nor forsake you”. 

Francis, who stood at 185cm, head and shoulders above most men, was a suave and witty leader among the youth. He met Dorothy in church. At that time, she was a naive 19-year-old girl and he, two years her senior. What caught Francis’ attention was that Dorothy and her sister wore dresses when they went to church. Dorothy played the piano so Francis, who wore jeans everywhere including church services, classified her as a talented girl and a rich man’s daughter.

Francis came from a single-parent family, not well-to-do but they had enough to live comfortably. When Dorothy and he were dating seriously, her parents brought them to restaurants and ordered something fancy – abalone – which he didn’t know how to eat. His lifestyle was chicken rice and laksa (a local favourite). He felt content with even a plate of chicken rice offered.

Although Dorothy was eager to grow more intimate with Francis, they could not get married then because she was still schooling and he was doing his National Service. After National Service, Francis began full-time employment and all he wanted was to save more money.  Although both of them started working, they had not saved enough money to set up a home together then. Dorothy’s family, on the other hand, had planned for her to study abroad.  Logically, Francis thought they should break up temporarily. He thought he was doing the right thing, the noble thing, and the best for both. But, in reality, Dorothy was very emotional.  All she could talk about was the years they had spent dating. 

It was the most logical step for a couple who had been courting for six years to get married at that point of time. And Francis had thought that getting married would put him ahead of the game and his peers. So he proposed and the proposal made her very happy. Yes, Francis finally married the rich man’s daughter whom he met in church. However, he was disturbed and was in total confusion the day after the wedding. Oops! Their marriage relationship ….

Dorothy actually saw some cracks in their relationship while they were dating. She acknowledged the facts but did not reconcile the differences and conflicts with Francis and went into marriage along with many issues accumulated steadily over the years. She recalled she did not take the hint about Francis’ temper when she wore a lemon-yellow sundress on a date with him. He walked ahead fast as if to avoid being side-by-side with her.  Dorothy had to chase after him and bring the conflict out into the open but she somehow swallowed her anger. In her mind, “nice girls do not flare up”. 

Francis’ double standards started early in their courtship: it was acceptable when he was tardy for their appointments but not when she was late. His temper was even more terrible and obvious when he was on the road. Dorothy learnt from bitter experience to keep quiet when he was driving.

When they started planning for marriage, they did not discuss their expectations of each other as husband and wife. Dorothy presumed Francis knew what a husband should do and deliver. Likewise, Francis assumed the same of her. She blithely swept his quick temper and double standards under the carpet because she believed marriage would change him. She supposed so. However, marriage to Francis changed her – it made a monster out of her!

Dorothy grew up under the wings of her parents. She was very fearful towards Francis which he discovered soon after their wedding. Naturally, he reassured his newly-wedded wife that he would look after her. However, deep in his heart he wondered, “Isn’t a couple supposed to look after each other?  Surely it’s not a one-way thing.”

Francis felt the pressure to provide for the family right after the wedding. Then Dorothy gave birth to Benjamin and the pressure got worse because Dorothy suffered postnatal blues. Francis returned home from work and took care of the newborn at night until the next morning and prepared for office again. He was rather frustrated that no one appreciated his struggle in the workplace while making a living and felt marriage was a commitment with all work – both office and home – and no play at all!

Besides, he gradually found that Dorothy was nothing but a terrible driver, a woman with distasteful dressing sense, the way she executed her tasks, silly and stupid when her suggestions did not work out well and … she was just an inadequate wife in all things!

Dorothy did not have it good either. Marriage to her was a nightmare and not a fantasy. It was like having a landmine in the house when Francis was at home. She described, “It got so bad that I would literally jumped whenever Francis appeared in front of me.”

She also found out that she could not live up to Francis’ expectations. He was always quick to point out her inadequacies and constantly criticised her. He was literally a neat freak around the house! Whenever Dorothy made a mistake, Francis would shoot her a look that had a paralysing effect on her.

The partnership – their marriage – operated like a sole-proprietorship – communication was a one-way channel because Francis’ voice was louder than Dorothy’s and his words were as fast as bullets from a machine gun. Francis’ creed was straightforward – he was right in all cases and everyone else was absolutely wrong.

After some time, his criticism, scoff, condemnation somehow taught Dorothy to live smarter than before – she kept silent before him. She conformed into an image of a perfect and submissive wife. Internally, she set up a high and unassailable wall. No more love for the man she married. There was absolutely no more communication between them.

Life without a dream heads to nowhere; without love, feels nothing. Dorothy’s emotional tank became empty. Her self-esteem was at rock bottom. In the end, Dorothy was stuck with the situation, alone by herself.

Dorothy could not recall exactly when they stopped talking like normal couples. The little conversation that took place was merely functional. Then Francis’ absences became longer and more frequent. Though she missed him, she did not dare to express herself to him because she hated to be the target of his sarcasm and being taken as weak or too reliant on him. She pretended that she did not need him in her life and put up a strong front. Later, they were leading two independent lives. Francis did not keep up with her schedule, neither did she ask about his late-night activities and trips. On the surface, there was peace as there was little opportunity to quarrel. In reality, Dorothy said she enjoyed furtive relief whenever Francis announced that he was going away. She even secretly gloated, “Now I can be free to be myself”.

At the workplace, Francis was one of hundreds of young executives struggling to make his mark in a world congested with multiple talents. As he did not have the right academic qualifications, he felt inferior to the next guy. He always believed he had to work harder than his peers and do more in order to make up for this deficiency. So he drilled himself from young on the necessity to go the extra mile in order to arrive at the upper echelons of society. He always pursued the next level which he believed was the repository of all the recognition and reward that would affirm he was better than the rest.

The bunch of guys whom Francis worked with murmured against their superiors and bosses during breaks. They invited him to pubs where he could not wait to experience personally their thrilling tales of madcap exploits. While he enjoyed under the glaring limelight, he had a dilemma: what to tell Dorothy. He knew deep down in his heart that it was not right to leave her alone at home with a toddler. Then he discovered that a discreet lie was worth telling because in exchange, the night that spun out in the pub was so entertaining to him.  The habit soon developed into a lifestyle and later, he struggled within himself whether to stay home or head straight for a pub after work. Meanwhile, Dorothy was invariably calm and accepting his lies and never questioned him or dissuaded him. 

Francis said, “Chivas is sweet and smooth when you first taste it but you wake up with a terrible hangover”. He heard that it was the same on the road to hell. Those places his drinking buddies brought him to open his eyes to a world filled with many new things, for example, pubs are not just about alcohol and there are two different kinds of KTV lounges.

Among his drinking gang, Francis was the only one who climbed the corporate ladder and became a regional manager in a multi-national company. Perhaps he thanked God that he reached the pinnacle of his career and was earning enough to support an expensive habit but he doubted and asked, “Was that a blessing?” He reached a stage piled up with late nights and business trips that left him no room for Christianity. He claimed, “I had not only forgotten God, I had also pretty much dismissed moral values like fidelity, integrity and righteousness”. 

Why did Francis ask himself, “Was that a blessing?” He must have had a guilty conscience about his conduct. If not, he would not doubt so while enjoying successes in his career and freedom in the night life as a married man. Let us find out ‘the truth’ next week.