Hello, I'm Elaine Kung, I'm excited to continue with SHINE Your Talk! series. Today, we're gonna look at the second sticky situation at work. How do we communicate and be assertive when my boss often criticizes my work? I'm sure all of us had that experienced that our boss may be setting a high standard and could be a little bit difficult in criticizing our work and sometimes could be good criticism that would really help us, so may not always be negative.

How do we communicate and be assertive in that sticky situation? So remember, we learn the reason to ask these six questions to ourselves, understanding the situation. Why is my boss criticizing? And do I express empathy and say that perhaps I didn't meet the standard and I should feel how they may be disappointed, and they need me to do better in what I have delivered. And how can I address that need by improving? And of course, it involves some communication. And then also we need to set boundary and not just being stepped on if the standard is unreasonable.

And then how do I offer solution in terms of what message do I convey that I am open-minded, I'm willing to listen to suggestion on how to do better. That's the brand while also being assertive, not necessarily, just being taken advantage of. And then finally, N is to nurture trust in this interaction. When my boss criticize my work, I want to convey the personal brand of being trustworthy that I want to improve and do better while having the confidence and assertiveness to set proper boundary. So those are the six question we want to go through and think about when the boss criticizes my work.

Now let's go deeper, the 7 steps to handle cases where the boss’ criticism is very harsh, and it could be very stressful, could be overly negative. So in those cases, I suggest 7 steps. You first distance yourself from the situation so that you’re calm and not get too distressed from the whole situation. Keep a distance like we said last time on the emotional quotient that we go to an emotional balcony or spiritual balcony to set a distance. Where you truly leave the room or emotionally or spiritually set apart, so that you don't get so stressed by the criticism.

So keep a distance, either physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

Second, try to understand what is your boss’ intention. How they want us to do better and what is the end result that they may be looking for? Number three, summarize the criticism, recap on what you heard, what you observed and what you understand their intention to be? Then number four, explain your own perspective, with an open-minded attitude and say, “Yes, I understand boss. This is how you want to improve and I see, these are areas that are good to keep and these are particular perspective that I need to improve.”

Avoid being defensive, avoid being close-minded, and not paying attention to what people say. So number 4 is important to express in an objective and thinking from their perspective and your own perspective.

Then number five, you engage in a conversation, having a dialogue. So there is a two-way discussion, not just one way. And then you don't get all stressed out and not talk about it, then you avoid and not being able to communicate. And number six, to suggest an action plan. The part that you believe are reasonable with suggestion how to improve and the step-by-step plan, or a certain area that you believe good enough to keep. And how you make that as a convincing suggestion, then we don't need to take action on it.

And step seven, finally, also consider giving criticism of your own, whether it's something about how you can improve your own, or suggestion on how your boss may improve as well. And we'll talk about how to communicate that. So these are seven steps to help us handle criticism from our boss that could be very harsh and negative. And also, we want a complete analysis before criticizing.

Now you're getting ready that you may want to express your own criticism. So you want to go through these analysis, describe the situation and the problem you're experiencing with your boss in a calm, objective, clear, concise manner. And when did this start? And what is the impact on you? How do you think your boss will react to this criticism when you're getting ready to deliver that? What are the benefits to you and the team if this issue is resolved? And do the benefits outweigh the cost? If the benefits of these criticism outweigh the cost, then it's worth it. If not, then it's not worth it. And remember, the benefit isn't just for me, myself and I only, I want to think about the team. So as you think of these questions and get ready to deliver criticism or suggestion to your boss, then you could be calm and say that “Boss, I remember, last time when we go through this project, you have some criticism. And when that happened, I feel that some of those suggestions are good for us to discuss. I feel that some of the expectations may be a bit unrealistic and I felt I was not respected. And I would like to recommend how we could discuss the different suggestions and criticism, how we could decide and prioritize what we want to act on, what is the most important and valuable to our overall team success. And I believe that way, I would feel that we are heard and that we can collaborate and incorporate your criticism into our project planning and be better.”

So when you think through these questions and communicate that way, you notice we could use the sandwich style. And you heard me saying that, starting with something positive as the top bread. And then the suggestion that I gave some and then at the bottom is the bread to say what the final results gonna be, that is good for the whole team. So that's an example. And it gets tricky and we need to practice and be respectful in this process. Then when you want to provide unsolicited feedback, that your boss didn't ask you for feedback or your team, or your coworkers didn't need you to provide feedback and yet you saw something valuable that you want to share.

So these are the five steps I would recommend. You need to select the right timing. Second, you need to get your boss’ permission and get a good timing, when you have good results that you deliver, you see your boss in a good mood, you're in a good footing and good relationship. When your boss isn't stressed or, when their time is actually more available. And then you want to ask, “Boss, I have some input on this project that we just discussed. Is this a good time?” So you ask for permission. Then third, you share the specifics and explain 1-2-3, what you would suggest and think about a sandwich style. Start with positive, then the recommendation, and then the end result. The number four, show how the team benefits from what you're gonna recommend. That's actually the final bread right? The team result, “...and this way, it would help our team to be more focused on the top priorities so that we could deliver the best result as a team.” That's an example of how you say that.

Finally, number five, you summarize your agreement based on your feedback and your discussion, and say, “Boss based on our discussion. Thank you for your valuable feedback on my suggestion. This is what we agreed to 1-2-3”. So that is how you can provide unsolicited feedback, including to your boss.

And then how do you tell your boss that they are wrong? This is tricky, not easy. Right? So we started with the boss giving us harsh criticisms. And then how we share our input and suggestion, may not be criticism. And then now when your boss may be wrong, so you need to think with these eight steps. First do your homework, make sure you study, analyze, check with others and get the facts.

Second, check your motives. The motivation is to help the team collectively to do better, it’s to help your boss to shine, help your boss to be successful. Your motive isn't about arrogance and pride and me, myself and I, look at how good I am. Your motive isn't to put your boss down. Your motive is to fill your boss up. So it's very important to check your motives. Number three time it right, like we said before, take the right time at the right place, with the right mood at the right moment. Number four, show respect and humility. Sometimes you may start saying, “Boss, I really appreciate your insight into this project. I respect how much you've guided us. And sometimes I may be a little bit too looking into the detail or sometimes perhaps I could be wrong. I did make this observation.” So you have a caveat by saying that you could be wrong, and yet you have some input you want to share.

The number five is to mind your language. Be positive, always be professional. Of course, be sincere. Not to just be hypocritical and say flowery language without putting good intention. So mind your language, professional, positive, sincere. Number six, escalate your concern cautiously. If the mistake that your boss made is really causing a big impact then you want to share the concern in a cautious way. And then number seven admit your own mistake, too. When you are honest, humble to acknowledge your own limitation and your own mistake, your boss will feel a lot more secure, more comfortable, put down their guard and be more open-minded to listen. When we take our first step of admitting our own mistake, it makes it easier for your boss to be reflective same as you did, and follow your initiative of acknowledging when something is wrong. Then number eight finally is to let go and give it a try and if the boss may not accept, you need to let go.

And yet you're gonna have to do your best and know that God will help us with the rest. And through all these, we always want to do this with a prayerful heart, pray for you yourself, with wisdom from God, pray for your boss, that they will have an open mind.

And then finally, we'll talk about how you gonna have good one-on-one meeting with your boss that would help to avoid unnecessary misunderstanding and criticism.

When your boss gives you criticism, suggestion, recommendation, based on what we shared today, I pray that you practice the 4H Life Application to have transformation. When your boss criticize you next time, you remember what you learned, and that you understand in your head, and that you have the conviction in your heart, and that you put these questions, these steps, these tools, these skills into practice with your hands, and then not only doing it once, but make it a change time and time again as a new healthy habit in your daily work life. And then remember what you could change by making new steps. What you're gonna add, start doing. What you’re gonna subtract, stop doing. What you’re gonna do more, multiply. And what you’re gonna do les, divide. See you next time.

Questions and Comments

1. Think of a conflict on how you can experience the 3R blessings for conflict resolution: Real Christian faith in action, Relationship building, Results of win-win.
2. How can you be assertive when others take your credit?  To care for both your own need and others’ need?  Name 1 change you will start to make.
3. In your recent conflicts, think of how you may resolve using which of these 5 strategies and for the right reasons: Avoid, Accommodate, Compromise, Compete, Collaborate.