In Part 1, I shared about the difference between God's love and self-love. This directly affects the kind of environment we create at home. In Part 2, I shared the father should be the thermostat, to set the right emotional temperature at home.

In this final part, I will share three tips which can effectively translate what we have learned thus far in 2 practical fathering practice. This include, namely, one: time management for busy fathers; two: enhancing father's emotional intelligence (EQ) and three: effective communication.

During the current pandemic, working from home is fast becoming a norm. Fathers may find ourselves more at home with the opportunity to see our family more often. But the irony is this, while we may be physically present, we can be emotionally absent because we can be so busy with our work commitments. Because of the convenience of working from home, the work and the home boundary is blurred. For example, family meals could be hurried through, so that more work can be squeezed in. Unfortunately, this compromises family time. This needs to change. Whether our office is outside or at home, we need to intentionally set the time to stop work and to come home for our family.

It is said that love is spelled as T.I.M.E., time. If that is true, then we need to prioritise time for our family. What you are seeing here is one example of how family time in the evening can look like. You can of course adapt this according to your family's unique situation.

My find it helpful to follow this rhythm. At 6:00 pm it is dinner time. I make it a point to have dinner with my family as far as possible. We also set a rule that there would be no phones or gadget at of dining area. It is a protected time where we connect with each other and talk about almost everything under the sun. Family bonding continues after dinner, when we watch TV together or play boardgames. My family loves boardgames. We let down our hair after a long day and we laugh often when we play together. At 8:30 pm, we do our respective house chores and take our showers. At 9:00 pm, the final hour before ‘lights out’ will be our family devotion and prayer. This is a time to explore faith issues, to reaffirm our Christian values and conviction, and to remind ourselves of our identity in Christ.

Now, the second aspect is emotional intelligence. To create emotional stability at home, fathers need to develop higher EQ. Simply put, EQ is the ability to manage our own emotion, as well as understand the emotion of others. EQ is an important skill, that helps to improve communication, problem solving, and conflict management. Overall, it enhances relationships at home.

There are four aspects of EQ. The first two relate to ourselves, self-awareness and self-management. One of an important hallmark of a person with a high EQ is the high degree of awareness about oneself, about one’s emotion. What makes us tick and what triggers us. Now with greater self-awareness, we would then be able to manage and regulate our own emotion better. Now the other two aspect is about others. Self-awareness or rather social awareness and relationship management. Social awareness is about empathy, and an attentiveness to others feelings and their needs. When we said to understand others better, it allows us to manage our relationship more effectively. These will enhanced our ability to communicate, manage interpersonal conflicts, collaborate with others, as well as to serve a lead them well.

Which leads me now to the final point of Part 3, today. With better EQ, fathers can and should lead the way in effective communication. In communication, many things are important, such as maintaining eye contact. For example, don't look at your phone when you are talking to your children. Our tone of voice, our gesture or body language, also convey whether we are impatient or that we are genuinely interested. But two most important skills are, one: listening well, and two: be sensitive to the feelings of others. Let's watch this video to understand what it means.

“It’s just there's all this pressure, and sometimes it feels like it's right up on me. And I can just feel it, like literally feel it in my head. And it's relentless. And I don't know if it's gonna stop. I mean that's the thing that scares me the most, is that I don't know if it's ever gonna stop.”

“Yeah. Well, you do have a nail in your head.”

“It is not about the nail.”

“Are you sure? Because I’ll bet if we got that out of there –"

“Stop trying to fix it.”

“No, I'm not trying to fix it. I'm just pointing out that maybe the nail is causing –”

“You always do this. You always try to fix things when what I really need is for you to just listen.”

“No, see, I don't think that is what you need. I think what you need is to get the nail out —"

“See you’re not even listening now.”

“Fine. I will listen. Fine.”

“It's just sometimes, it's like there's this achy. I don't know what it is. And I'm not sleeping very well at all. And all my sweaters are snagged. I mean all of them.”

“That sounds really hard.”

“It is. Thank you.”

“Oh come on. If you would just –”

Did you have a good laugh? But isn't it so true? Men are so good at fixing problems. While offering solution is not necessarily wrong, it may often not be the first thing that our wives or our children would need from us. When we sense emotional struggles, what is probably more useful is to listen, and to understand their emotional experience.

There are five levels of communication. The first is chitchat, which is the most superficial level. A casual, how are you, may be answered with a short reply. I'm fine. And the conversation may stop there. Level two communicates only factual information and remain somewhat superficial. Level three involves an exchange of ideas, opinions or suggestion such as offering solution to the issue at hand.

Now, level four is where we connect with the other person on a feeling level. This involve us reflecting to the person that we are interested to understand not just the facts, but also his or her emotional experience. Now the level five is the most intimate level where there is total transparency. There's nothing to hide between two person. As you can see, higher levels allow people to connect in deeper intimacy. Unfortunately, fathers often have the tendency to mainly communicate with our children on level two and level three. To develop intimate relationship with our children, we must move beyond just giving solution. We must stay in the room of feelings. Now, how do we do that?

Let me show you a simple example. In this example that you see here, a child tells his father, “I’m tired daddy”. Without understanding more, the father gives quick advice, “you should sleep more”. Now perhaps frustrated, the child retorted, “I've slept enough daddy!” This invites the fathers to rebuke, “maybe you slept too much, that's why you are so tired! Don't be lazy, go and do your homework! Or at least make your bed, look at it, it’s such a mess!”

Now, what do you think the child will feel? He probably feels misunderstood and may not want to share anything more with the father. In this same example, the father can choose to listen better whenever the child share, “I'm tired daddy”. The father can choose to hold back the assumption by clarifying such a saying, “are you tired because of too little sleep? Or are you tired about something else?”

Now, this may invite the child to open up by saying, “I'm just tired of school”. The father remains curious and continues to clarify while reflecting back his feelings. “Son, am I hearing correctly that you are tired about something that happened in school? Is it your study, your friends or your teachers?”

Now, this clarification allows the child to open up further about his concerns and helplessness. The child may respond back, “It's about my friends, daddy, I don’t know what to do.” Now the father continues stay in the room of feelings and encourage him to share more. “That must have trouble you. You must be feeling helpless. Can you tell me more?”

Now this example clearly demonstrate that good listening skill and staying in the room of feelings can help our children to experience us as a strong tower and safe refuge in times of troubles. As we conclude Part 3, here are further food for thoughts. Are we intentionally spending quality time with our children? Second, how well are we listening to our children whenever they come running to us?

So thank you for staying with me through all three parts of Chapter 8. In conclusion, the world needs a father. Your children and my children need us as their fathers. I remember Jesus say, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.” Are you home today? Will you join me please, to bring heaven home? Thank you very much.