Bringing Heaven Home

05 The Father Wound (1)

Welcome fathers, mothers, and grandparents to ‘The World Needs A Father’, Bringing Heaven Home series. Today we are speaking on chapter four, the ‘Father, Mother, Peer Wounds’, and the fathers wound revealed and healed.

Indeed, we all have mother, father, and even peer wounds. And this is actually from adverse childhood experiences. We'll talk about it later, about ACEs, adverse childhood experiences. And we’ll talk about mother wounds, father wounds, and even peer wounds today.

This is actually taken from JAMA, the Journal of America Medical Association. And you can see this is 20 years ago in December 26, 2021 original contribution: Childhood Abuse, Household Dysfunction, and the Risk of Attempted Suicide Throughout the Life span – Findings From the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study.

And what are adverse childhood experiences? ACEs are actually potential traumatic events that occur in childhood between 0 to 17 years old. For example, experiencing violence, abuse, and neglect, especially neglect. Witnessing violence in the home or community, or having a family member attempt suicide or die by suicide. And complicated by substance use problems, mental health problems, and instability such as the divorce or separation or family members in jail. And adverse childhood experiences are actually very common. About 61 % of adults surveyed during the study across 25 states were reported they have at least 1 type of ACE, adverse childhood experiences. And nearly 1 in 6 reported they have experienced four or more types of adverse childhood experiences. That is the experience of US, taken from the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) website.

And what about the United Kingdom? This is a chart showing again traumatic events that have negative and lasting effects on health and well-being. Especially emotional neglect is actually very common. And what happens to people who have actually more than six adverse childhood events? They can die 20 years earlier than those who have none. In fact, those who have four or more ACEs actually had 3X more of lung disease and without dark smoking, 14X more risk of attempted suicide, 4.5X more likely to develop depression, and 11X more of intravenous drug abuse, 4X more of beginning intercourse by age 15, and 2X of liver disease most likely due to alcohol use. In fact, adverse childhood experiences are the single greatest public health threat facing society today. Because at least 67% of population have at least one ACE.

And what about Asia? And this is actually a study that's done in Singapore, just published in 202. And the top five most experienced adverse childhood experiences are as stated. 46.5 % actually quoted emotional neglect. Emotional neglect is very, very common. And 21.8 % actually is on parental separation by divorce or death. 8.2% because of abuse by mother or the female guardian. Emotional abuse 8% and 6% is from living with household members who are mentally ill or suicidal.

So are some of the common questions asked. This is the WHO (World Health Organisation) averse childhood experience international questionnaire. And you can see some of the questions are, did your parents or guardians actually understand your problems and worries. So as a child, this could become your adverse childhood event if you don't understand what they are actually going through. If you don't understand what they are feeling. Does your parents or guardian really know what you're doing with your free time when you're not in school? Were your parents or guidance intoxicated or take drugs? Do you live with a family member who is depressed or mentally ill? Do you see somebody being slapped, kicked, or punished or beaten up, family violence? Did the guardian scream or swear at you, or insult or humiliate you all the time? Did someone touch you inappropriately? How often are you bullied? And this is really about peer wounds, right? Did a parent actually abandon you or thrown you of the house? Sometimes parents our frustration may actually say you leave the house, I don't want you anymore, and this could be hurtful to the child. And finally, sometimes there's also family violence against the children.

And these are actually adverse childhood events for low income families we have from Singapore Children’s Society. 1 in 2 children actually have four or more of adverse childhood experiences of abuse, neglect, and childhood problems. So these are the top five that’s actually from low income families. And you can see it’s very, very common even in Singapore.

So ‘Every Season Counts’. This was from a previous chapter in ‘The World Needs A Farther’. And you can see in the early years 0 to 6, the Mother Impact is very important for intellectual or building intimacy. Otherwise, the child feel emotionally neglected and are able to form intimate ties. And of course the Father’s Impact is from 6 to 9 years on training basic competency and the physical part. And finally the Peer Impact, 12 to 15 years. And you can see the Peer Impact stretch until 18 years old. Then the father would then affirm the identity and call the blessing on the young person and launch them into adulthood, into the workplace, where the culture will be the main impact.

And what are some of the mother wounds, insecurity? A child that is actually neglected or abused will feel very insecure by mother wounds and father wounds. What are some of these? Let’s identify. The neglect of impartation of intimacy. A lot of times a child would actually struggle with opening up emotionally. When people come close to them emotionally, they pull back. They feel lonely because they feel as if they are in an island. They keep a distance from other people. Keep a safe space, because they don't know how to be intimate. They stand at the doors of people’s lives but seldom enter the inner chamber. They show what we call a sign of an orphan spirit, feeling that they do not belong.

And what about nurture and care for the mother? If nurture and care is actually neglected or absent, they have a lot of issues with their own emotions. They feel lonely in their pain, they don't feel understood. They have a lot of fears and anxiety. They can't feel that people understand them or share and react very strongly when people are not sensitive to their feelings. This is a sign of being neglected in the nature and care from the mother.

Finally, social guidance. Mothers always tell the children what they are supposed to do. So a lot of times, with the lack of social guidance, they'll become ignorant about the lives and intricacies of others around them. They struggle to think and function broader than their own world. They’re always in their own world. They score very low on emotional intelligence. when it comes to either connecting with people, emotions or to managing other people's emotions, they find it very challenging.

And of course demonstration of validation. They struggle in the support of others, and always be struggling to play the second fiddle and struggle with submission. They always want to be on top. And they struggle with moving others to support a cause that is not their own initiative. And they fail to validate other people. These are the mother wounds summarized.

Now let's go on to the father wounds, insecurity. That’s a neglect of moral authority. Such that a child, actually even like myself, sometimes you find it difficult to know what's right and wrong. No one actually showed me how to lead, they will say. You do not know what's absolute norms, that means there's no moral authority. They can’t apply delayed gratification. They always want things now, now means now. They struggle to stand under authority and they just want to do things their way. A father also fail when they neglect conferring identity. This children grow up actually struggling with orphan spirit. They feel that they are not significant. They are plagued by insecurity and anxiety. Their identity becomes the work, their work becomes the identity. They don't know who they are, and they're confused about their identity. They may even mask their real self when they meet people, because they don't want to show their real self. And they can be aggressively defensive when criticised.

Also, emotional security that's provided by the father is very important. When there's a neglect in this area, the child feels that they deserve nothing, they’re worth nothing. They never get enough attention, always be asking for attention. They also tend to support the underdogs and they do not really understand their real feelings. They can't get in touch their own real feelings. And they always feel that they need to earn respect. They need to always prove that they are good enough.

Of course, fathers also very importantly need to affirm the children. When there's neglect in this, the children will feel that they cannot make a significant contribution. Compliments are always observed with some suspicion. They feel uncertain about themselves, they tend to question themselves. They try to impress people all the time and they struggle with immaturity.

So we have gone through the mother, father, and peer wounds, adverse childhood experiences. Especially emotional neglect, such a person will feel very insecure. Because both mother and father wounds can cause insecurity. And we've identified those earlier on. And of course, peer wounds, you can see as a young teenager, as an adolescent, they struggle a lot with bullying and isolation of their identity. And more than the 50% of children, is very common in the schools, they get bullied. But do the father and mother know how they feel? Would they know what happened to the teenager when they are actually outside? What do they do after school?

So these are some reflective questions. What adverse childhood experiences do you have? Can you write it clearly down? Was it somebody scolding you and saying, “I’m gonna chase you out the house” or said that “your mother or father never affirm you, right?” What mother wounds do you actually have? Maybe we have good mothers and good fathers, or we say they are good enough. But would you not ask God to reveal so that you may heal? Sometimes we feel that, never mind, let's just don't talk about it. Let's not feel that pain. But this is the time actually we want to learn to ask God your father to reveal the wound, so that You can heal. What father wounds do your actually have? Would you not write it down in detail so that you can forgive? And this is very important to write down clearly what it was and how you actually feel, because we're going onto the next session, which is on healing of the father wound, mother wounds and peer wounds. So see you in part two of the father wounds revealed and healed. Thank you.