Bringing Heaven Home

04 Every Season Counts

Welcome back to Global Reachout in Bringing Heaven Home. We will continue on with Chapter three, which is ‘Every Season Counts’, understanding the critical rhythms of life.

This is a very important chapter. And if you look at the word season, this is mentioned in Ecclesiastes chapter one, to everything there is a season, there is a time to every purpose in heaven. And Solomon mentioned it 28 times, this word season. The common verse that we know of is in verse 8, there is a time and a season for everything, a time to hate, a time for war, and a time of peace. And one thing I realized is that every season of the child's life is significant. Everybody's life, actually every season, every time, every moment is so significant. And fathers, we need to take note of that. If not, there'll be a lot of regrets. And I have a lot of regrets, but I move on to make sure I try to do something about it.

So let's move on. We are using the four seasons – spring, summer, autumn, winter, to make it interesting for us to realize where we are in the seasons of life. There are four seasons, and spring is basically where you are within 26 to 35 years of age, which is a stepping out phase of the first success season. Summer is within the age of 36 to 46, which is the second success season on which you were built on. Autumn will be 46 to 55, which has been viewed as halftime. A time of reflection, a time of thinking what really you want to do with your life. And in Singapore, 55 is the retirement age, when you can bring back money from the CPF (Central Provident Fund) if you meet the minimum requirement. And 55 to 70 is being seen as the winter years. It's a significant years whereby you need to think through again. It is an overlapping of autumn, whereby you need to think what really are the significant things that you want to do with your life. And when you move on to 71, this is the golden years. And you need to think through of how to finish well, as you impact, as you groom, the younger generation.

Now, at every season, you will face a crisis, there will be a conflict. But in every crisis, in every conflict, there will be opportunity for yourself, and even for your child. In fact, from the very beginning, in the first year of your child's life, there will be crisis at every age. And in this crisis, if as a father, you are sensitive, you will use this crisis as a turning point in the child’s psychosocial development. Now this may be a big word, but if you google it, the founder of it is actually Erik Erikson, who developed the eight stages of the psychosocial development. If you wanna go into detail, google it. A lot of explanation has been given on that. So let me repeat. In a conflict, there is a need, and depending on how you resolve the need, that particular child of yours will either grow up to be positive or negative. If you do well in meeting the needs of the child in this crisis, using the opportunities, he will be transformed to become very positive, very competent, very confident. But if the needs are not being met, it is the other way around. He becomes very inadequate, low self-esteem, he will lose all kind of confidence. So how you influence, how you meet the child at every season makes a lot of difference.

On the next slide, very significant, I'll spend just a little bit of time, probably within 3 to 4 minutes. Now this, you see the green, it is a children's season of life. And you see the top one, the blue, it is a father’s season of life. Usually most fathers would father the children on the green, bottom. They would have been married by the time they are 36. So let's move on as I try to explain as clearly as I can. 1 to 6 years old will be the Mother Impact years, 7 to 12 is a Father Impact, years and 13 to 19, they become teenage. That's where the teenage influence is very important, the Peer Impact. And from 20 to 25, fathers even if you missed it in the early years, this another opportunity for you to come to impact your child. They would have gone to universities, finished studying, in the natural progression where the culture in the university life, new teaching, new knowledge will be a cultural impact. This is considered the foundation, the child founding years. And 26 onwards is where they will be going out to work, stepping out to work, into the work life. And the next 10 years is being seen as the spring of their life, their first success season. If they're not doing well, likely at the age of 36, it should be the first career change. Of course nowadays the youngsters in this age group change job quite quickly.

Then you move on to the father seasons of life. At 36 would be seen as the summer season period of the life, giving yourself another 10 years. 36 to 45 is the second period of your success phase when you build on your career. And if you're not doing well, probably that would be a second career change. Then from 45 to 55, at the age of 50, we take that as a halftime. That this is just a guide. And if you are still clueless about what you're gonna do with your life, 50 is a time you decide on what the career change should be. Because that will give you about 10 years to 60 or 65 to build on your career or to do a business that you may think is significant.

So going back again at the bottom, the Mother Impact years is the period whereby the birth of the child and the mother is so significant that a lot of research showing forth about the brain development of the child is so significant to how they are with the mother. It is developing the basic skills of sucking, drinking, walking, running, gaining initiative, and confidence. The Father Impact years is the cognitive development of a child, and it's to move on to teenage years. When they're in primary school, it’s measuring up, am I good enough. Then when they move into the teenage years, it is about identity crisis. Who am I? Who am I in this world? They want to discover themselves as an adult. There can be confusion if the fathers don't come on to confer their identity. It will be quite a challenging period of their life.

Let me move on to this emphasis about the first year. You will realize this is the first image of a mother bonding with a child. And this is a technical/ medical word called oxytocin is generating. You can see the colours. The child feel love when there is bonding, when there is contact. And this is a period when the brain development of a child is very significant. The first three years is the brain development of the child. So significant. Where the breast milk of the mother that plays a very significant part. And by the age of two, 80% of the brain development of the child would have grown to that level already. So this is very significant. Very often, fathers or mothers may take it likely. But I'm emphasizing again, it is significant.

So, let's sum up the phases. Phase one, 1 to 6 years old is the Mother Impact years where intimacy is important. 6 to 11 years old is father impact years,  dad is primary, the one that do the bonding with the child instead of leaving them alone. Then phase two is 12 to 18, it’s a group adventure phase where they go out with the peer, the group, the social impact is very important. That's where they are going to primary school, secondary school, JC (Junior College) impact. The fathers must come along as an interactive coach, as a guide. And phase three is the stepping up phase, whereby they would have finished their education.  And by this period they would have probably choose who their wife is going to be. And that's where you come in as a friend, as a coach, as an influencer. Phase four,  whereby they will be moving. We’re talking about the stepping out phase. Marriage, family, career development is significant. It is the most challenging years. And you come along and helping this adult child of yours with their priorities? And phase five, 41 to 50, is about half time. A time for reflection, about success significance. And then phase six is about you living a significant life, mentoring others. And phase seven is about finishing your life well.

And so when we talk about this period, the child's development, success is a word that is so important. This is talking about when they’re 26 onwards, they go into work, where success is significant. They want to do well, they want to make a lot of money. But they face the reality, the tension between spending more time at home or time doing more work. It’s a conflict of priority. And if the father is really reflecting, he'll be asking himself what then is success all about? It's really stressful. And here's the thing too, what is success, what is happiness, what is significant? Let me give you a simple quote, “Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get.” And in ‘The World Needs A Father’, we want them to go beyond that. It is significant. Finding meaning and purpose in what you do. And that's where you come along as the father to guide them, to help them, to discover that.

And these are the questions that is in the workbook. And every question there is important. You can go to the book called ‘Halftime’ by Bob Buford. Let me just run through quickly if time permits. What do I want to be remembered for? What will my life look like if it turns out the way I hope it would be? How much money do I need to leave behind? In 10 year’s time, what am I going to be? Am I becoming a better person? What is my loyalty? And you go to question 8, the importance of mentors? Question ten is, what pursuit is really dominating my life? What are the benefits, what are the drawbacks? And finally, what words would you want to leave at your grave?

Now, when you look at ‘Every Season Counts’, one of the biggest regrets many fathers had were missing it. I did not do what I need to do when he was two, when he was three, when he was four, because I’m so distracted working, working, working. And I just missed it. And there will be a lot of regrets. But I would always encourage them, no, it is never too late to engage again with your children's life. There will be windows of opportunities when you make time to reach out to them again. Whatever age they may be, there are windows of opportunity for you to do just that. You have to decide how you want to live your life at whatever state you are in. Are you going to be indifferent about what is happening? Are you going to be so indulgent, just doing what you want to  do? Me, myself and I? Or you want to think in terms of the way God would want to use you at every stage to be an influence into your child's life.

At the end of the day, whatever season, especially as you moved into the golden years of your life, it is learning to finish well. It is not how you start that is important.  It is how you finish, becoming a positive influence. A godly father reaching out, loving your family, as what has been talked about in chapter one. Exercising your moral authority, confirming their identity, loving them as God wants you to love them, and affirming them that they are precious, that they are important all the time. And you do that also when you're mentoring another father, when you attempt to change the world, one father at a time. Then you would be able to finish well. Thank you very much for your time. Thank you.