Hello friends! Welcome back to another episode of “Walking with Same-Sex Attracted Friends”. Today, we will be embarking on the story of Gabriel Goh, and his struggles of returning home to a Father who will always embrace him back no matter how far he has left home. One of the most popular parables told in the Bible is the parable of the prodigal son. It is a story of a son who took his inheritance from his father and left home to pursue the world. He indulged in money, drinking, and parties and ended up squandering his fortune, eventually becoming destitute. The son is then forced to return home empty-handed to beg his father to accept him back as a servant. To the son’s surprise, he was not scorned by his father but instead, welcomed back with a feast and celebration. Envious, the older brother who stayed by his father’s side working hard day and night refused to participate in the celebration. The father then tells him that, “you are ever with me, and all that I have is yours, but your younger brother was lost and now he is found.” This parable reveals the story of redemption as the father in the story symbolises God and His immense love for us. And that no matter how far we stray, He will always welcome us back with open arms. Now, let’s listen to the story of Gabriel and his journey of returning back to the Lord.

I struggled with same-sex attraction for the first 23 years of my life. Even though I grew up in church and had been given everything as a child, such as faith and love, I remained dissatisfied and sought pleasure and comfort in the world, even risking my own health. However, God used my recklessness to bring me back to Him, taking me by the long way.

When secondary school ended, I felt jaded and wanted a fresh experience. I started working out a lot more and becoming vain. Yet, I encountered depression and tried to fill the emptiness with smoking and going to the gym but to no avail. My parents wondered why I was so moody but felt helpless, unable to understand why. I soon got to know a girl in school, and grew close with her. Before we knew it, we were “attached”. She was my first girlfriend, even though I was still struggling with homosexual inclinations all the while, I just wanted to prove that I was normal. We engaged in heavy petting almost every time we were together, which resulted in my increasing insecurities whenever we went out. Every date seemed like a show. We even tried having sex but failed, ending up feeling embarrassed and frustrated. Soon, we broke up and I began to gym incessantly, falling into a deeper and darker hole of despair. Around this period, I decided to tell my family that “I prefer guys”. This was the first time I prayed so hard. Over several days, I asked God for the courage to do this and finally did. My dad’s first reaction was to say that he would love me whatever I was, while my mum didn’t really know how to react. I trembled with excitement at all the possibilities that lay before me, thinking now that I have revealed my true nature, I could do anything I wanted to.

I started my time in the army and threw wild parties for my army friends when my parents were out. I lived a double life and none of my friends suspected my inclinations. I went out with an online date and ended up having sex which was just painful and unpleasant. I left the place feeling thoroughly unworthy and filthy. Despite this painful experience, the sexual drive in me was not sated, and I had various other encounters, which all eventually left me deeply unhappy and empty. I suffered a panic asthmatic attack one night and even though smoking seemed to be a major cause of it, I could not give it up as it gave me release. All through this, God was the farthest thing from my mind. I definitely did not have a relationship with Him as I have now.

At a youth retreat I attended, I encountered the Holy Spirit and was moved for the first time into making my confession. Up till now, God had been distant and legalistic. Maybe because all the while I had never truly let Him into my heart. Yet, during this retreat, I felt thoroughly changed and vowed to never return to my old ways. However, having no companions on this journey, I quickly slid back to my old ways with another casual encounter 4 months later. I knew it wasn’t right, but I didn’t know any other ways to deal with my needs. A month after that, I went for a Catholic youth event where I encountered a priest who told me he would meet me for coffee. I made time to meet him and he told me that even though I appeared to have many things going on for myself, I had no defined objective and thus, would end up going nowhere and becoming no one. He sent me a few verses to read regarding this. I was resistant at first, claiming to be happy with my lifestyle, such as smoking. However, after a few more meetings, the truth poured out. I told him how depressed I was, how many illicit sexual encounters I had, and made my confessions again, feeling thoroughly freed in doing so. On hindsight, it was the readiness of the priest to reach out to me, to maybe even “cold call” a lost sheep, that made the difference. He could not have known whether or not I was struggling with something, but his readiness to listen and the direct care that was shown was not something I had experienced in church prior to that. Furthermore, the presence of a stable, trustworthy male figure really helped me to open up a part of my life to somebody who could handle it. Maybe this was God’s way of telling me that He is present and that He loves me, by blessing me with someone who could guide me and share my burdens. However, my struggles with same-sex attraction still remained, I couldn’t understand the reasons behind the unfair situation of me being a Christian and having same-sex attraction. I was privileged enough to encounter a counsellor who specialised in same-sex attraction. He opened my mind to the different forces at play in my life, the difference between having same-sex attraction and being gay. He explained that even though I was attracted to the same sex, that didn’t mean that I had to live a gay lifestyle. It was difficult at first, but I found a greater freedom in self-restraint and purity in His will being done and not mine. It helped me also be with other male members in the community whom I could trust, share my struggles with and whom did not patronise me. There were also countless others who were praying for my return to the Father who I am grateful for. Without them, I could not have made my journey back.

The sordid encounters and unpleasant emotions felt like a closed chapter behind me. It was as if I had stepped into the light at the youth retreat. There, I experienced for the first time in my life, the joy and effervescence of living in purity, amongst the freed. I began to desire this heaven on earth, where people were good to each other, prayed for each other and did not use each other. Going forward, it was a time of blessing, with God introducing me to more and more people who were rooted in the faith and could pray for me. The journey since has been one of self-discovery, realising how insistently God loves me, grappling with the dryness I sometimes experience in my spiritual life and keeping to prayer every day. Along the way, He showed me how my life could give positive meaning and energy to those around me. He also revealed to me the harsh judgements I had made of others, and the unrealistic expectations I had of people. There have been moments when the darkens overwhelms me, when I doubt the blessings God has given me or when I crave the temptations of my old desires. Yet, He always brings me back gently, allowing my restless heart to rest in Him alone.

After about 2 years of committed singlehood and much personal growth, I felt God’s call to take a bold step forward to enter into a relationship with a close friend. After some discernment, I asked her out and she eventually shared that she was open to the relationship. We both agreed that this was God’s call for us but treaded carefully and committed ourselves to a chaste relationship. The Lord has been faithful to us, and we see the fruits of this relationship manifesting as a greater love for one another and our families. Like all relationships, it hasn’t always been easy, but putting Christ at the centre has been our saving grace. His love is new every morning and He never lets us remain stagnant in our love for Him or one another, always prodding and challenging us in different ways. As we look forward to the marriage vocation that lies ahead, we are reliant on Him to help us better image Christ and His Bride, to become the man and woman that He made us to be.

Same-sex attraction was, and still is, a rather awkward topic in the church. As a church, we need to be the ones to remind them that there is a God who loves them as they are, that it is not their fault for having same-sex attraction and that not only will they still find love, they will find the fullest of loves in this life. A love that is overflowing and constant. Our tone needs to be the same as Christ’s – neither belittling nor condescending, but simply one of love. When that love is preached from the pulpits, and the actions of church leaders follow from that, people with same-sex attraction, or any other struggle or condition, will find a safe space to come out and receive the acceptance they lack. Only then will our churches become places of love and warm embraces, and a little more like the heavenly kingdom on earth that they are meant to be.

Next Thursday, we will be listening to a reflection by a brother-in-Christ, Raphael Zhang, on the personal stories we have listened to over the past few weeks. Until then, this has been Global Reachout and it has been a blessing to journey with you. Stay tuned, stay kind and have a great week!