It has become a common feature at every wedding. An audiovisual presentation, amateurishly done or professionally produced, showing the couple from the time they are born till the first time they meet before “the rest of history” follows. Such memories from the past often bring tears to the eyes of the parents watching them. “That’s my son,” or “That’s our daughter,” they whisper with pride.

Every father looks forward to the day he walks his daughter down the aisle. Every mother dreams of the day when her son will look as handsome as his father did on her own wedding day. Every parent desires the best for, and sees the best in, his or her child. The hope of Christian parents is to see their son or daughter marry someone of the same faith and begin their new life together, built upon a common foundation.

But for some, it may not turn out that way. Parents with children of marriageable age are justifiably concerned. They have raised them, sheltered them and finally released them to live their own lives. Will they find the right life-partner and so assure their parents that the years of investment have been worthwhile?

In some parts of the world, such as India, parents play an active role in choosing a life-partner for their sons or daughters. Though Hollywood has tried to convince the world that ‘falling in love’ marriage is superior to ‘arranged’ marriage, the movie industry has little evidence to prove that in real life—least of all, in the USA.

Pastor David visited a family in India and talked with their daughter who had recently graduated from university. She had found a job and was looking forward to the next phase of her life. She told him she planned to get married by the end of the year. When he asked her the name of her future husband, she said, “I don’t know yet. My father is looking for someone for me.” Pastor David was taken aback. “What if your father finds someone you don’t like?” Her reply was surprisingly logical: “I trust my father. He has been married and I have not.”

In other parts of the world where we don’t arrange marriages, there is little we can do but to pray. But we can do more than that. Here are some advices from pastor David for parents.

Firstly, we must present to our children the example of a marriage they would like to have when they marry. If we want them to be equally yoked, what better way than to show them what an equally yoked marriage looks like? I grew up in a non-Christian home and was the first to become a Christian. In the church I attended, my teenage peers and I were all first-generation Christians. We were fortunate to have three older couples who got married and provided us with role models to follow. They opened up their homes to us and showed us what a Christian home looked like. I remember thinking, “One day when I get married, I would like to be like them.”

The greatest compliment our children can pay us on their wedding day is, “I would like to have a marriage like the marriage of my parents.” To deserve such a tribute, we have to work at our relationships—first between husband and wife, and also between parents and children. Never underestimate the influence you have on your son or daughter.

A young man once dated a girl for several years, but when the issue of a wedding came up, he hesitated. He had seen several of his friends get married and then break up. One day, he decided that he would turn his eyes away from his friends and towards his parents who were still happily married after 20 some years. Finally, he proposed to the girl. Our love, clearly demonstrated between husband and wife, is our greatest gift to our children.

Secondly, if we have taught our children well in the Word of God, the message would have gotten to them: “Marry only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39; 2 Corinthians 6:14). Though it has become increasingly common for young people to choose their life-partners without permission (or even knowledge) of their parents, our son or daughter does value our blessing. In any case, we parents foot a bulk of the bill for their wedding! It is not wrong, when talk of serious dating or marriage arises, to express approval or disapproval.

Candace was flattered when Desmond showed interest in her and asked her out on a date. After a few months, it became obvious to her that he was serious in pursuing the relationship. When she spoke to her parents about it, they expressed concern that Desmond was not a Christian. Her mother was explicit: “Tell him that unless he becomes a Christian, he won’t have our blessing.”

Candace liked Desmond but she loved her parents. She told him what her parents said. Initially shocked, he soon came to the realisation that unless he seriously considered the Christian faith, he would have a hard time winning Candace’s heart, or receiving the her parents’ blessing.

But such consultation between Candace and her parents can only happen if they already have a warm and open relationship. Some parents realise too late that they do not have such relationships with their children who have grown too soon into adulthood. As poignantly told in the song “Cats in a Cradle”, a father who has no time for his son raises him to be like him: A son who has no time for his father. Eventually, our children grow up to be like us, their parents. If we have shown in our marriage that our Christian faith does not matter or occupy only the periphery of our lives, we should not be surprised if our adult children feel the same. What is there to stop them from marrying someone with no faith or of a different faith?

Thirdly, we need to take an active interest in the friends of our children. Have them come over to your home, cook for them, talk with them. Accept them for who they are, even if they may not be believers or fit your idea of a future son or daughter-in-law.

Ask your children about their friends and encourage them to introduce their friends to you. Ask about their parents and families, but do not make judgements if their backgrounds may not be what you would like. You may make a special note for prayer if they come from dysfunctional families. At the same time, note that children from good families may not always turn out good.

Practise acceptance—and make your stand only when you see something like a wedding on the horizon. That way, your son or daughter will know that while you accept their friends, you view a one-on-one serious relationship differently. That may sound contradictory, but it is not. We can accept someone as a person without prejudice, but we cannot always do this for a role he or she may assume—a life-partner is different from a casual friend. Hopefully, our sons and daughters will be able to make that distinction as well: We can accept certain differences in our friends, but not in our husbands or wives.

Finally, we need to be friends with our children. A mother of three had watched her children grow up. When asked about her wish for them, she said, “I pray that they will grow up to be my friends.” She knew that the day would come when she would no longer be able to tell them what to do, but could probably talk to them as one friend to another. Our adult children will relate to us more openly adult-to-adult than as child-to-parent.

Beware of the danger of using your children to boost your ego or feed your insecurity. A couple once asked pastor David to speak to their daughter who had started a relationship while studying abroad. When her parents learnt about it, she was already informally engaged (the man had proposed to her with an engagement ring). The distraught mother pleaded pastor David to “talk some sense” into her, saying she was young and didn’t know what she was doing.

When David met her daughter, he learnt she was into her mid-twenties, already graduated and working; a mature and confident adult. She said something he would not forget: “My mother thinks I am still the little girl she knew. She thinks I need her when I believe she needs me.” Though David felt she should have told her parents about her relationship earlier, she was right about their needing her more than she needed them.

Parents have a hard time letting their children go, sometimes because of their own insecurity. Either they want their children to make them look good, or they need their children to make them feel secure. Unless we parents learn to relate with our adult children as friends, it is unlikely they will share their hearts with us. If we want our dream for our children to come true—not become a nightmare—we have work to do. The earlier we set to work, the better.

Dear friends, we have come to the end of this series, do you have a clearer understanding towards the unequal yoke issue? I pray that each of us will be blessed to find our beloved spouse and be able to carry our burden in Christ together. Do come and listen to our new series next Thursday. Stay tune and goodbye!

恩典之路 The Path of Grace

Lyrics and Music by: 曾祥怡 Grace Tseng

© 2009 Stream of Praise Music/BMI. CCLI# 5482364   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2uCpoR_ekM