Hello friends! We talked a lot about how Christians in unequal yoke relationships should try not stray away from God and the church. But as a person with a strong emotional connection to our partner sometimes it may be truly difficult to do so. So what happens when the unequal yoke relationship starts lead us away from God? 

Love songs extol the beauty of romance but an equal number of them lament the demise of love. Jim Reeves sang the “Blue Side of Lonesome” while Elvis Presley wails at the “Heartbreak Hotel”. Likewise, Eponine finds herself “On My Own” in Les Miserables, and Anna Kendrick renders “When I’m Gone” in the song Cups. Even animated characters like Shrek has his fair share of heartbreaks.

At some point, an unequally yoked courting couple may decide it’s not working out and want to end the relationship. If the non-Christian or both parties want to break up, then the situation may be relatively easy to resolve. But what if it is one-sided—the one initiating the break up being the Christian?

But first, at what point should the Christian decide that the relationship is no longer viable? The following may be helpful indications. Firstly, if the partner shows negative interest in the Christian faith and at times, resistant and even hostile against it. If sufficient opportunities have been given for him or her to consider and explore the faith and there is no positive response, then it may be time to call a halt.

Secondly, as we have seen in the earlier chapters, rationalisation can set in and the believer may begin convincing himself or herself that faith or religion is not important to the relationship. As such, if the Christian finds himself or herself being drawn away from the faith as a result of the relationship then it is best to stop by then before the slippery slope becomes too steep.

Finally, we should consider ending the relationship when issues arise and remain unresolved. We should not deceive ourselves into thinking that the carpet will solve our problems when we sweep them under it. Unresolved issues will come back to haunt us and undermine our marriage. The following story maybe a good example to explain such a condition.

Jim, a church-goer, met Alma at a party and found her irresistible. Unlike many of the girls he knew in church, she was fun and full of wit and life. They had a great time at the party and continued to meet on dates afterwards. He brought her to church but she never seemed to take anything seriously. Religion was good for people with problems, but not for her. She was too busy enjoying herself. In any case, she didn’t believe in anything or anyone except herself.

A year into their relationship, Jim was no nearer to getting her interested in something that meant so much to him. Instead he found himself drawn to her carefree approach to life: No God, no heaven or hell, just this life to live and enjoy. Then a good friend of Jim died suddenly from a freak accident. Jim was devastated. He brought Alma with him to the wake service where she showed absolutely no feelings. To her, death was the end of everything, so why make a fuss of it?

That evening ended with an argument as Jim asked Alma how she could be so heartless. It was not the first time they had argued over their different perspectives in life. Finally, it dawned upon Jim: The gulf between them was too great for the relationship to be meaningful and sustainable.

Dear friends, there may come a time where we find that we could not carry on with things anymore. So when such a decision is reached, how does one go about terminating a relationship? Should it be done in person or through a letter or email? What if the other person does not agree to a break-up? And, what happens next after a relationship is over?

Here are some suggestions we may find useful. Firstly, we have to be personally convinced and absolutely certain that we want an end to the relationship. To help us, we may want to list the reasons why. That way, we won’t be swayed by emotions later on. We need to go back to something written down when we were in a rational frame of mind. Here are some reasons we could write down:

• We are incompatible on fundamental issues (specify). • We have given ourselves sufficient time to discuss these issues. • We have tried our best to resolve them. • We have failed to resolve these issues. • We believe these issues will continue to affect our relationship. • Our relationship is therefore no longer sustainable.

Add to the list Bible verses or passages through which God may have spoken to you. You may also want to seek the counsel of wise friends or mentors to reinforce your conclusions. You can hold yourself accountable to them to follow through your decision. They in turn hold themselves responsible to pray for you. 

Secondly, decide how you want to initiate the break, in person or through a less personal way. Out of consideration for the other person’s feelings, it’s better to do it one-on-one. It will be harder to do but will come across as more honourable. Schedule an appointment and let your partner know its purpose. Perhaps, something like this could be communicated beforehand: “I would like to bring our relationship to a close. Could we meet one last time, so that we can part as friends?”

The suggestion is not to treat it as a date, but more like a business meeting. If you are comfortable with a meal, meet for lunch (not dinner as it will take too long). If not, a simple and short meeting at a public place (like a cafe) will do. Go there separately and leave separately to avoid a prolonged farewell. Prepare what you want to say. Write it down. It may be helpful to hand what you have written to the person, so you do not leave him or her in doubt.

If you prefer to break a relationship through a letter or email, make sure you speak to the person to prepare him or her. A brief phone call will do. Perhaps, something like this could be said: “I just wrote you an email and will be sending it soon. I am calling to let you know I would like to bring our relationship to an end. The email will explain why.”

Whichever way you do it, if the other person accepts your decision and makes it mutual, the matter may be closed easily. But be prepared for resistance. We can work this out. Let’s give ourselves more time. Be ready also for emotional blackmail. How could you do this to me? If you leave me, I may do something foolish. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty over the breakup if you believe it is best for both of you. Go back to what you have written and stick to your original convictions and intention.

H Norman Wright, a marriage and family therapist, offers a helpful piece of advice:

Sometimes the reluctant partner believes they know your thoughts and feelings better than you, so whatever you say may not register. The more information you give, the more you build their hope that you are not serious. Remember that! It’s true. The more you explain, the more you encourage them to persist.

For this reason, it is best to make the parting brief and clear: No ambiguity and no delay. When you make your faith the reason for termination, you may get spiritual blackmail. How could you, a Christian, do something like this? If your God tells you to do this, how do you expect me to believe in Him? When you hear such accusations, remember you are not responsible for how the other person feels. You are only responsible for what you do, not what he or she does.

When a relationship is brought to a close, the days following can be difficult. You can help yourself by disposing of items that remind you of the relationship, such as photos, gifts and mails. Accept residue emotions. There may be a sense of relief or regret, or both. Guilt may set in and you may be tempted to go back on your decision. That’s why it is important that you are absolutely clear about the break up and stay the course. When you are terminating an unequally yoked relationship, you need to hold on to your conviction that that is the right decision for the Lord and for your future.

There is no one else to decide if you should terminate a relationship. Think carefully and do it the proper way. It is hard and you will struggle after breaking up, but we still have to make that decision for it to not affect our life and belief. Dear friends, the days following the break up may be hard, but we will always have comfort and peace from the Lord.

After witnessing so many stories with both happiness and tears, my listeners, do you think an unequal yoke marriage is a dream or a nightmare? How should we protect ourselves while keeping an open heart to love? Please listen our last episode next Thursday. Stay tune and goodbye!

安靜 Be Still

詞：鄭懋柔 Tiffany M. Cheng　曲：游智婷 Sandy Yu © 2015 Stream of Praise Music / BMI. CCLI #2351995 讚美之泉版權所有

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