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Hello friends! In our previous episode we discussed the possible factors that may disturb an enjoyable marriage. Today we are focusing on one of the most essential topic in a family, the education of the next generation.
How we were raised as children affects how we raise our own children. Differing approaches to child-rearing can thus create tensions between a couple. Typically, one who believes in disciplining a child will wage war with the one who tends to pamper him. In most homes, one parent will emerge as the taskmaster and the other the messiah; one the prosecutor, the other the advocate.
Family counsellors advise parents to disagree in private and present a united front before their children. As an old saying puts it, “Behind the door, many views; before the people, one voice.” Wise counsel indeed. But what if the differences are such that they cannot be hidden from our children? Parents of different faiths face a dilemma: In what faith should they raise their children?
Some people agree that the young generation should have the chance to choose their own belief based on their own understanding. Hence one solution is to give them all options and let them decide when they are old enough. It sounds reasonable but it fails in practice on two counts. Firstly, a child’s beliefs are formed in the early years, not when he is ‘old enough’. As Jesuit priests who insist on teaching children at the earliest opportunity are known to say, “Give me a child till he is seven, and you can have him for the rest of his life.”
Secondly, we make choices for our children in every aspect of their young lives. We decide what they should eat, who should take care of them, which kindergarten they attend, which extracurricular activity they take up and so on. It stands to reason, then, that we decide what is good for them in spiritual and moral matters as well. All parents want their child to grow up as well-rounded, wholesome individuals - physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually and spiritually. They want to provide the best for their children.
To make it better and easier to understand, we will go through a typical case. The parents are from different religions, an unequal yoke couple.
Josh and Mel could not have children for five years. Mel had several miscarriages and they had almost given up trying. Josh is a Christian and asked the church to pray for them. To their joy, Mel becomes pregnant and carries the baby to full term. A son is born to them. Josh is deeply grateful and resolves to raise their son to know God.
Unknown to him, Mel had been praying to the goddess of mercy, Kuan Yin, for help. As a child she had been dedicated by her Buddhist parents to the goddess. When she conceived, she took it as an answer to her prayers. In her heart, she made a vow to dedicate their son to the goddess. She and Josh are unaware of each other’s intentions as religion was a subject they constantly avoid.
Couples who are unequally yoked face challenges as they raise their children. Should their daughter be put in a Christian kindergarten? Should their son go to a Christian mission school? Some non-Christians have no issue with kindergartens or schools affiliated with churches. They appreciate the moral and spiritual values they uphold and teach.
But some may prefer a ‘neutral’ place for their child to grow. For many Asian countries, the differences in culture may become another obstacle to prevent people from knowing God and Christianity. Those who view Christianity as a Western religion may want a place where traditional Asian values are cherished and propagated, such as in schools associated with Chinese clans. The choice of schools can become an issue. So are extracurricular activities in school. Christian parents may want their children to join the Boys’ or Girls’ Brigade, whereas non-Christian parents may opt for the National Cadet Corps, Boy Scouts or Girl Guides.
Despite this, issues over schooling may not be as serious as issues at home. Would a Christian spouse accept an altar for ancestral worship in his home? How about charms or amulets on her child? Would she teach her child to say grace before meals and do it openly at the dining table? Even a small matter in daily life become unneglectable as it happens frequently as a habit that cannot be replaced.
What about reading the Bible with the child - would it alienate or offend the non-Christian spouse? A child growing up in a home where religious practices differ between mother and father will be puzzled and confused at some point. Such families can expect some form of tension at home.
Church-going could be another issue. The Christian spouse may want to go to church and take her children with her. In some cases, it may not be a problem. The non-Christian may see church-going as a good thing and use that time to do something on his own. Husbands are known to drop their wives and children at church and wait for them at a nearby coffee shop with newspapers or iPad in hand. Wives may see their husbands and kids off and do their grocery shopping in the meanwhile. Such mutually agreed upon arrangements may work well. But something is missing from it.
Here is another story from an unequal yoke family. It may give us a clearer image of this kind of family in the daily life.
Mel takes her three children to church every Sunday. Her husband has no objection. In fact, he looks forward to that weekly reprieve from his family for several hours on Sunday morning for him and he enjoys hot coffee and warm camaraderie with them. This has been his routine for some years - though lately he’s been seeing families coming together at the club, making him wonder why his family is not with him.
The same thoughts are also weighing on Mel’s mind. She wishes that her husband could be with her. There is so much that she and the children are learning in church and she wishes she could talk with him about it. Their family wants to be a closely-knit one. But somehow, on that one day a week that means the most to Mel, she and her husband go different ways. For all intents and purposes, she sees herself as a spiritual single mother.
Whatever compromise a couple agrees on, when stretched for too long, each will find something missing. In time, the Christian spouse will feel it, especially when he or she sees other families worshipping and serving together. This is also the case for the non-Christian. The children will lack a spiritual upbringing modeled by both parents. As they grow, they may gravitate to one parent and eventually, either take or leave the Christian faith. Such is the price the Christian must consider before deciding on an unequal yoke.
It sounds familiar to some of us who have sisters or brothers suffering from the same issue in our church. We pray for their spouse and the whole family. Thus, for young Christians, it is important to keep this in mind before getting married and even before falling in love with non-Christians.
Lee Strobel, a former atheist and award-winning legal editor of the Chicago Tribune, now an author and Professor of Christian Thought at Houston Baptist University, issues a solemn warning about children growing up in homes with ‘father issues’. Of course, these issues exist in Christian homes too, but when a child grows up with a father who does not believe in God, or who challenges belief in God, the child may well follow in his father’s footsteps.
Strobel lists the names of famous atheists like Friedrich Nietzsche, Bertrand Russell, David Hume, Jean-Paul Sarte, Albert Camus, Richard Carlisle, Richard Taylor, Albert Ellis, Samuel Butler and Madalyn Murray O’Hair - who all grew up without a father or else with a father who was not a role model. As responsible parents, we need to ask ourselves how our children will be impacted in a home with different faiths and conflicting values.
Dear friends, do you have someone in mind who is facing the same issue? Raising a child is never an easy task, especially so if we decide to guide our next generation with Christian principles.
What else should we do for our children’s education? Are there some advices we can use as reference or samples when we’re not sure how to deal with the problem? Do listen to our next episode this coming Thursday. Stay tuned and goodbye!