Hello friends! Last week we talked about the importance of having a common network of friends in unequally yoked relationships. This week, we are going to discuss some common issues that may spoil a harmonious marriage. How do we face those challenges?

When two people marry each other, they hold in their hearts one dream. They bring their separate lives and join them into one—like two tributaries flowing into one river. Thereafter they move in one direction, share one dream and build one home.

But not all marriages see that dream come true. From the outside, they may seem to have everything. But step in and look closer and we see a large house with many rooms locked.

Marriage has been said to be a large house. Their dream is to share the house, explore its many rooms and enjoy them together. But unfortunately for many couples, that dream fails to come true. Over the years, they find rooms becoming locked up, left unused and avoided - while they only stay in a small part of the house. The locked rooms represent areas of their lives they no longer share, topics of conversation no longer discussed, issues avoided for fear of conflict.

It can happen to any marriage, including Christian couples. For example, in-laws could become a taboo subject; too sensitive to handle and too prone to conflict. For those of different faiths, locked rooms represent issues they have agreed not to discuss—namely, religion. Initially it may be the matter of church-going: The non-Christian agrees not to stop the Christian from going to church; the Christian agrees not to coerce the non-Christian into going to church. As this involves only a few hours on Sunday, one day in a week, it may not pose a problem.

But should the Christian decide to become more involved in church beyond Sunday, the situation may change. Some churches expect their members to be part of a small Bible group study, usually held on a weekday. Would the non-Christian spouse see this as overstepping what was agreed? What about offering tithes to the church and contributing to other financial needs like the church building fund?

That sounds quite familiar, doesn’t it? There are so many similar occasions that church activities step into the daily life of a Christian and eventually some effect appears to the whole family.

Let’s listen to the problem of Myrna, whose story may represent the current situation that some of us are facing. Myrna was already active in her church even before she met Darren. He attended church with her but declined to be baptised. He explained that getting baptised just to get married in the church would be hypocritical. As the church’s policy stated that only baptised believers could have their marriages solemnised in the church, Myrna and Darren had theirs solemnised at the Registry of Marriage. She had hoped that with that part of their marriage behind them, Darren would seek baptism without feeling hypocritical. They could then have her pastor conduct a blessing of their civil marriage - which is somewhat similar to a wedding except the vows would be reaffirmed between husband and wife.

But Darren stopped attending church. He gave the excuse he needed time during the weekend to rest, and Myrna attended church on her own. They appeared to have reached a compromise until Myrna started going to church during weekday nights for other meetings. Darren expressed his unhappiness and she stopped and kept to church on Sundays only. They did not want the issue to affect their marriage.

Since then, they have not raised the subject of church-going again. It has become a taboo in their lives; a locked room in their metaphorical house.

When two people have a disagreement, it always seems like a good choice to step back and to maintain the status quo to prevent further conflicts. However, that is not a real solution! Leaving it aside does not mean the problem has disappeared or truly been solved. 

How a couple spends their time and money can be a thorny issue if each views these assets and resources by different value systems. Time is limited to 24 hours a day and money to the monthly income of one or both partners. As mentioned earlier, an unequally yoked couple faces a challenge on how they should spend their Sunday. One wants to go to church to worship God and spend time with friends there; the other is not keen and prefers to spend Sunday at home, in the mall, or at the beach. If they have children, the issue becomes even more complex, as we will see in the next episode for a more comprehensive analysis.  

Of course, these issues could be discussed prior to marriage and compromises reached beforehand. But situations may arise which are hard to anticipate. Hopefully, the Christian couple can appeal to a common set of values embodied in the Bible to guide the resolution of their disagreements. Their recourse to a common authority provides a helpful starting point. Couples who come from different faith persuasions may struggle to find such common ground.

A few millennia ago, the prophet Amos asked a rhetorical question, “Can two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3, NIV). Though the context then may be different, the question can certainly be asked of any couple wanting to spend the rest of their lives together. Tony and Teresa Lim of Malaysia have written a book which they titled “Can Two Walk Together?” The book begins with these words:

This is our love story. We are two strong-willed people who are finding deep joy as we learn to walk together… We want to tell the story of how God has worked in our lives and ministry. As honestly as we know how, we have recorded the ups and downs, the joys and struggles of living out our faith in the communities where we have found ourselves.

Pastor David happily agreed to write a brief endorsement for the book after reading its draft:

For almost three decades, Tony and Teresa have walked together. Their story is one that must be told, for the lessons they have learnt are too valuable to be kept to themselves.

Another endorser, Low Chai Hok, puts it in more poetic language: “Though their lyrics are different, Tony and Teresa dance in complementary steps through the pages of this book.”

Yes, my dear friends, different but complementary. Can an unequally yoked couple walk together in different but complementary steps? It is challenging enough for a couple of the same faith - how much more for a couple whose beliefs take them in different directions? Now please allow me to quote the closing words of the Lims’ story:

“By the Lord’s grace and His enabling, we have walked together for 27 years. This is already a great blessing in itself… But God had allowed us to go through experiences that we did not want to go through. We had to go through disappointments, heartaches, sicknesses and deaths. We had to deal with misunderstandings and conflicts. Fears, anxieties, insecurities, lack of faith and trust over the years threatened to overwhelm us. Nevertheless, through it all, we can testify fully to God’s love. He is indeed for us and never against us. He will never forsake us nor abandon us. We cannot say we have got our act perfectly together. We still make mistakes. We continue to be strong-willed individuals. We have a lot more to learn in our understanding of life and ministry. What we can say, however, is this: “I know the one in whom I trust, and I am sure that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until the day of his return” (2 Timothy 1:12, NLT)”.

What a moving word showing strong love and faith to God! The couples went through all difficulties with determined trust in Lord. Dear friends, it is true when two persons marry, they hold in their hearts the dream to walk together, to move in one direction, share one dream and build one home. Twenty years or more down the road, will you be able to say what the Lims said? More importantly, will your spouse say the same?

There are so many challenges and unknown area to be explored by two in marriage, same to yoke and unequally yoked couples. But it is true that having the same belief and value can help to join two people tighter as one. I hope you have been encouraged by the short except read from the Lims’ book. Please listen to our new episode this coming Thursday we continue to discuss family life and children during marriage. Stay tuned and goodbye!

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