Hello friends! Last week we have witnessed some typical cases that the author experienced during his service as a pastor. With God in the centre, Christian and non-Christian partnerships may very well succeed, but sometimes it may also fail. What principles should we keep to deal with unequal yoke?

Perhaps the story of Nehemiah will give us some inspiration and help us preserve our boundary lines as people belonging to God.

When Nehemiah visited his people in Jerusalem, they were a dispirited lot. The city walls had been broken down and the city gates were destroyed by fire. Those who survived the attack of Jerusalem by their enemies languished in disgrace and despair. But in 52 days, Nehemiah rallied the people, resisted the opposition and mobilised a workforce that completed a massive restoration project. Nehemiah’s mission did not end with the rebuilding of the city walls and gates. 

That sounds so impressive and truly a miracle, but his plan was far more than a wall and gate. That was only. He wanted the boundary lines to be clearly drawn between God’s people and those who worshipped other gods. The walls and gates preserved not only the security but also the identity of God’s people. But when Nehemiah left Jerusalem for a while, he returned to find things falling apart again. First, he found that a priest called Eliashib had provided Tobiah, an archenemy of God’s people, a room in the temple courtyard; a large chamber where they had previously put the grain offering, the frankincense, the vessels, and the tithes of grain, wine, and oil, which were given by commandment to the Levites, singers, and gatekeepers, and the contributions for the priests. (Nehemiah 13:5)

What did that mean to Nehemiah at that moment? If we evaluate it with from today’s view that was tantamount to giving Osama bin Laden a guest room in the White House! Such a favour becomes understandable when we found out that the priest was related to Tobiah by marriage. Nehemiah marched into the room and threw everything out!

Secondly, Nehemiah discovered to his further horror that two tribes—the Ammonites and the Moabites—had worked themselves into the city. These were pagan tribes who had opposed him when he was restoring the walls of Jerusalem. Many years ago, these two tribes had come out against the Israelites when they were on their way to the Promised Land. Moses had requested for safe passage for Israel through their territory, but these tribes attacked them.

God’s instruction for Israel from then on was not to have anything to do with them.

Nehemiah found to his dismay that his people had opened the doors for these pagans into their homes through mixed marriages. For example, a branch of the high priest’s own family - one of his grandsons - had married a daughter of Sanballat, another archenemy. Nehemiah drove them out, asking God to “remember them… because they have desecrated the priesthood and the covenant of the priesthood and the Levites” (Nehemiah 13:29).

Without thinking, the Israelites were giving their sons and daughters to unbelievers in unequally yoked unions. In these homes, children were growing up knowing neither the language nor the God of their forefathers.

Half of their children spoke the language of Ashdod or the language of one of the other peoples and did not know how to speak the language of Judah.

The faith of the present and future generations of Israel was threatened with extinction. No wonder Nehemiah took the matter seriously and resorted to some extreme measures, including beating the offenders and pulling out their hair! He made them swear by an oath to God, declaring, “You shall not give your daughters to their sons, or take their daughters for your sons or for yourselves” (Nehemiah 13: 25).

We may not agree with the measures Nehemiah took, but we can surely appreciate his concern in preserving the people’s identity and security. In his day and time, it was a matter of survival because unequal yokes meant the eventual annihilation of the covenant people of God.

What happens then, is after much prayer and many attempts to bring a non-Christian partner to faith, we don’t seem to be going anywhere? Perhaps, by this time the relationship has gone too far for either party to pull back.

Mentally, the Christian may acknowledge the need to make a U-turn ahead, but emotionally, he feels incapable of doing it. Jesus once saw the disciples in a similar situation and concluded, “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26: 41).

We kick the proverbial can down the road. We think, “I need to give him more time” and “I’m sure she will take the step after we are married”. Unfortunately, at some point, rationalization takes over and we ask ourselves, “Why can’t we have a happy marriage? We can just respect each other’s faith.”

But when we rationalize unequal yoke, we are changing the rules. No longer do we need to subscribe to equal yoke; we try to make an unequal yoke work.

Lynn was one case who had tried her best. She truly loved Tim and wanted so much for him to know her God. But he had not shown much interest. A self-made man, he considered religion a crutch for the weak. But he loved Lynn and had told her many times, “I respect what you believe and will not stop you from following your faith.” But he wanted to be left alone to follow his own convictions. Lynn accepted that for a while but wondered if such a standoff could work in a marriage.

Tim finally convinced her that it could. Over the months, they developed common interests. Lynn decided that what they had in common overshadowed their differences in religious beliefs. Moreover, such beliefs are personal - why should they be a bone of contention?

The relationship between Lynn and Tim could work. Compromises can be made, and concessions given. But such concessions may, in time, take something away from the marriage or undermine its original ideals. Issues not apparent during courtship may surface in marriage. Potential areas of disagreement include the other partner’s circle of friends, church attendance and the raising of children.

A marriage brings together two persons, but not only the two - also their families and friends. Without them, the event would not be as meaningful and memorable. Families and friends share in and multiply our joy. This is true not only at the wedding, but for the marriage following. Christians speak of ‘the blessing of the brethren’, meaning the affirmation fellow believers give to the couple. Unfortunately, for a couple unequally yoked, such blessing may be missing.

This is especially evident when the solemnisation is held at a secular venue without the presence of a pastor. Christian friends who may be present will miss the singing of hymns and the invocation of prayers. Some of them may feel ambivalent about the match. Such feelings may be mirrored in the Christian bride or groom, depending on how far he or she has resolved the unequal yoke issue. If a residue of ambivalence or guilt remains, the Christian may want to go forward with a fresh set of friends, leaving those from church behind. Common friends enjoyed by both husband and wife - are important to a couple in building their social life. When courting, they may enjoy each other’s company. But as they move into marriage, they will find life enriched by the company of others. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry is right in saying:

Life has taught us that love does not consist of gazing at each other but looking outward in the same direction.

Looking outwards in the same direction means a common mission in life. Since two persons cannot do it alone, they need people around them to live out that mission with them. Couples falling in love often fail to appreciate the importance of a wider social circle.

They escape into a world of their own, thinking, “As long as we love each other, what can go wrong?”

But soon the reality of married life sets in and they find themselves facing each other every day. In time, with the myriads of mundane housekeeping duties, romance wears thin. Gazing at each other loses its appeal. A new posture and direction must be found.

Kylie grew up in church. She is a youth leader with many friends. A few years into her working life, she struck up a relationship with a non-Christian colleague. She was hoping he would become a Christian. He accompanied her to church on a few occasions but never showed much interest. Her friends prayed for her and her boyfriend. They cautioned her regarding the unequal yoke. Kylie took offence at some of their warnings and stopped going to church.

When Kylie married she invited only a few close friends from church, unsure whether the others would come if invited. She decided she would leave that part of her life behind and start afresh with new friends. Her husband had his friends, mostly older than her - and non-Christians. From time to time, she missed her old friends and wondered what life could have been like if she had married one of them.

Of course, if Kylie had married someone from her church, her social life would have been different. She and her husband would have a host of common friends; a wide network of relationships to take with them into the rest of their life. Two persons of different faith who choose a life together needs to factor in their circles of friends. How they overlap, the values they share, the depth of friendship and the support they provide - all these will enrich the marriage in good times and perhaps save it in bad times.

Marriage then is not about two persons only. In our younger days, with our notion of love still in its infancy, we are likely to sing with The Seekers their song, “A World of Our Own”. We close our door and light the lights, just live in a world of our own without anyone to share sorrows.

Backtrack a few millennia and listen to the reflections of an old man with years of tested wisdom. He begins, “Two are better than one”, but quickly concludes, “A threefold cord is not quickly broken”. Any rope-maker knows that three strands make a strong rope; two strands will not do. Laid rope or twisted rope consists of three strands which are twisted against each other to give strength and integrity to the final product. 

One thing is clear: While two is better, three is best. A couple entering into serious dating should ask themselves what, in their relationship, is the third strand. It is a mistake to think that if only they love each other, they will live together happily ever after. Something over and above them, a third strand, must bind them to each other. An unequally yoked couple faced a distinct handicap.

Dear friends, can differences between unequally yoked couples be resolved by each other’s love that supersedes it? If the answer is no, then the journey ahead will pull them apart in different directions. Consequences of unequally yoked relationships come in all directions, and these will be discussed in our next episode.  Do come and listen to us next Thursday. Stay tune and goodbye!

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