Hello friends! Last week we talked about how people fall in love with each other and tried to figure out why many Christians have found or are looking for their life partners from non-believers instead of marrying someone from a member of the church. In this episode, we will continue to discuss about the difficulties for Christians to develop love and marriage in church groups.

Last week, we talked about the first two factors which may prevent church members from falling in love with each other: few available Christians at work or study environment and the over familiarity with each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. Today we will continue to talk about another three more possible reasons that lead to the failure of building a love for marriage between Christians.

Other than those two reasons, the third reason may be the closely-knit family spirit of a church community which can work against romantic relationships. For instance, word spreads quickly of budding romances, and insensitive teasing can cause unintended harm - either in prematurely advocating or aborting such relationships. Should a relationship fail, the fall-out can be widespread since families and friends of the individuals are aware and involved. Little wonder then that individuals who break up often leave the church to avoid the awkwardness of meeting each other and those who know about their split. It’s understandable therefore, that some may find it ‘safer’ to initiate relationships outside the church, away from the ‘brother-sister’ family.

Fourthly, the ‘brother-sister complex’ also allows those within the fellowship of the church to be themselves. That’s not entirely a bad thing, unless people become a little too comfortable and careless in their dressing, attitude and behaviour. They may likely behave as they would at home, letting their hair down and showing their true colours. At the workplace, men and women tend to be more discreet. They dress better, pay more attention to their grooming and carry themselves better. Women exude charm, and men emanate gallantry and chivalry. No wonder attraction between the sexes happens.

There is a sharing from Pastor David involving an incident after a church event that illustrates the difference in behaviour inside the church and out. A group of ‘brothers and sisters’ were waiting at a bus stop for their buses to take them home. A bus came along, and all the men waved good night and boarded the bus, leaving all the ladies to take care of themselves! The women didn’t mind, except for one who complained to me afterwards about the men’s lack of chivalry, making special note that it was past 10 o’clock at night when it happened! Something like that is unlikely to happen with a non-church group.

We may hardly notice these important factors as we all got used to it without feeling anything wrong. Thus, it is important that we pay attention to these details in our life.

Finally, people who go to church may find their non-Christian colleagues more interesting. In church, conversations usually revolved around church matters and spiritual things. Though we delight in seeing youths spend time in church activities, too much time spent in church with fellow believers has its downside. Christian youths who fail to develop a wide range of interests beyond the church could come across as predictable and boring. Conversely, non-Christians with different and varied interests may appear exciting.

In this regard, Christians going abroad to study or work may be especially vulnerable. To make it easier for our understanding, let’s look at an example from one of those Christians. Consider the following scenario, adapted from a true story:

Sue has a steady relationship with Greg. They have grown up together in church and now in their mid-twenties, they have begun talking about their wedding a couple of years down the road. Their friends, as well as their parents, see them as a match blessed by God.

Sue is then posted to Paris by her company on a short-term assignment. Since the posting will only be for a few months, Greg does not think it will affect their marriage plans.

But neither of them imagines the possibility of falling in love with another person. It comes unexpectedly for Sue. Within a fortnight away from home, she finds herself attracted to a male colleague. He is suave, knowledgeable and engaging.

Though he does not go to church, Sue feels that within a short time, they are connecting more freely and deeply than she had done with Greg over the years. Sue wonders if she should review her relationship with Greg and their future plans.

But how come it happened so fast? Such a relationship which seems built on firm foundation crumbled within such a short time. The human emotion is a strong, complex and sensitive thing. Sometimes we can be easily affected by our surrounding environment.

What happened to Sue is not unusual. Relocation to a different country takes us away from the familiar environment of home. We find the experience exotic and exciting. Our emotions break loose from old ways and find new expressions. Throw in a touch of homesickness and someone with a listening ear, and the seeds of romance will sprout easily on foreign soil.

Other than in another country, falling in love can happen at the workplace, at a party or even during an MBA group project. We may not set out to find a non-Christian spouse but could end up with one. For believers who know they should marry within the faith, more than mere mental assent is needed. For many Christians, they may believe in their heads, but it is important to have something more.

So, what should we do if we face or are already struggling in such a situation? These next few pointers may be of some help.

Firstly, someone may come across as an exciting date but unless you see him or her in ‘normal’ circumstances, you won’t know the true person. In this regard, there is an advantage in watching someone grow up in church with you. In particular, observing how the person treats others may be important in giving you an idea as to how he or she will treat you. Someone interested in you may behave like a saint in your presence, but how is he or she like with friends and family?

Secondly, falling in love infuses life with wonderful feelings. That being the case, we need to be aware of the phenomenon of ‘falling in love with falling in love’. There are different names for this, like ‘puppy love’ or ‘infatuation’, but they are not the real thing. A young girl may enjoy having a steady boyfriend because it gives her a special status among her peers. A young man may enjoy giving gifts to a girl because it gives him a thrill to see the delight in her eyes.

It can be a vivid scenery for a young undergraduate to carry a huge balloon across his campus to his girlfriend on her birthday. He clearly enjoyed the attention he got, both from the girl and everyone else! However, this relationship in the end didn’t work out, and the girl was left to wonder if it was really love or something else disguised as love. Was he perhaps more interested in the excitement from giving gifts?

Finally, falling in love engages a large part of our feelings. But as feelings come and go, there is a need for logical thinking as an anchor to hold them in place. At times, we may need the clear thinking of other people to guide us. Pilots who fly in bad weather fly blind because they can’t see anything. That is when they depend entirely on their instruments. They disengage from what they see outside the plane and depend solely on what they see inside. Those falling in love may need to do the same, turning their attention from their own feelings to the wise counsel of others.

Yes, falling in love is a wonderful thing. But it can also be dangerous. Love strikes when we least expect it. When it does, we will find every reason to keep it and justify it. Whatever prior beliefs we may have about the unequal yoke—they will be jettisoned. We will rationalise and redesign the yoke to fit whatever inequality there may be.

Falling in love is such a delightful experience, but it comes with potential risks requiring us to be alert. Enjoy the time with the one who may eventually become your future spouse. But do also think twice before deciding to start on a new relationship.

Well now we know what unequal yoke is and how one falls in love. But why does God allow such situations to happen? Do listen to our next episode this coming Thursday. Stay tuned and goodbye!

禱告 I Pray 曲、詞：鄭楷   Deeper in Love深深愛祢 © 2005 Stream of Praise Music / BMI. CCLI #2351995  讚美之泉版權所有   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqdVMpHKORc