Hello friends! This is the last episode of “Walking with Same-Sex Attracted Friends”. Today, we will be listening to Pastor Rick Toh from Yio Chu Kang Chapel and his journey of creating a change in his church by being vulnerable.

It is written in Isaiah 54: 4,  “Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.” I froze in my seat, struck dumb by the still small voice that whispered this verse into my heart. It was clear that God was speaking to me.

It was September 2013 when I was attending a 2-day seminar with my pastoral team, seeking to learn how to minister to the sexually broken. On the second day of the seminar, I sat in the auditorium listening to the testimonies of various speakers. I was moved by their willingness to bare their scars before men. It struck me that it took a lot of courage and humility for them to openly share their sexual brokenness with us.

Suddenly, that verse floated into my memory. And the Spirit spoke, “Son, those who spoke are my beloved children and I am not ashamed of them. I will also remove their shame and reproach, and they will remember them no more.” I came to understand that God intended to redeem their sexual brokenness and weave them into the grand tapestry of His redemptive story! As I sat there overwhelmed by this revelation in the Spirit, I began to praise God in my heart. But the Spirit continued to speak to me, saying, “Son, it’s time for me to do the same for you too. It is time to deal with these skeletons in your closet. I will remove the shame of your youth. I will redeem your shame for my glory.” I trembled and broke down in tears.

A few days later, I sat at the kitchen table with my wife and in tears, sought her forgiveness for hiding my sexual brokenness from her. I told her of my past struggle with my sexual identity. I confessed my periodic struggle with addictions to pornography and masturbation. I was ready to face the music. She had every right to be angry and to reject me since I had not been truthful with her from day one of our marriage. My wife, however, responded with compassion which I didn’t deserve. Instead of berating me, she actually felt pained that I had to bear this secret shame alone for so long.

A week later, I confessed to the elders of the church and sought their forgiveness for not being able to be truthful to them when they were seeking to appoint me as the pastor of the church. I was ready to lose my job. I knew they had every right to dismiss me immediately for not disclosing my sexual sins and brokenness when I entered the pastorate. The elders, however, responded in love. They wept alongside me as I confessed my sins and brokenness before them and they hugged me to assure me of their love.

In my coming out, I was ready to be rejected by men, because being accepted by God was all that mattered to me. Knowing that God has not rejected me and that He will one day remove my shame and reproach, it granted me courage and motivation to come to the light and not allow the devil to keep me in the dark dungeon of secret shame any longer. After coming out to my wife and the elders of the church, I found courage to come out to my children. In God’s beautiful timing, my pre-teen son asked me one night, a few days after I had confessed to my wife, whether I had struggled with pornography before. I confessed my addictions to him, and he then asked me to be his accountability partner! Since then, he has experienced no shame or fear in sharing with me his struggle with sexual temptations. What joy to have this open and transparent relationship with my son!

Knowing that there are many in church who are privately struggling with sexual brokenness and addictions, I felt led to create a safe environment for them to come out and experience God’s assurance of forgiveness and His power of redemption. I decided to come out to my congregation to help usher in that safe environment. I also started a monthly support group for brothers struggling with sexual sins and brokenness.

The structure of the support group is simple: it begins with a time of open confession, that usually begins with me, as we recount how the past month has been in terms of our sexual purity. This is followed by a time of reflecting over some content, such as books, videos or articles related to wholeness in Christ. Finally, we end the time with prayer and intercession.

Some precious lessons I have learnt in my journey of coming out of my secret shame and going in to my walk with the sexually broken are these:

First, you have to come out in order to go in. There are many leaders who are unable to effectively minister to those who are struggling with sexual sins or brokenness because they too are struggling with secret shame. When I had not yet come out, the devil muted my ministry in this domain. I found it difficult to minister to brothers who struggled with pornography as I felt like a hypocrite and the devil would constantly accuse me of my own personal failure. I therefore ministered from a distance, unable to come alongside effectively to help my brothers. However, after coming out, I was able to openly share about my own battle against sexual sins with these brothers. They also found courage to share their sexual failures with me, knowing that they would not be rejected or stigmatised by me.

Second, you have to take the lead. There is a saying that goes: “The speed of the leader, the speed of the congregation.” How far a leader will go in his confession will set the benchmark for the members to follow. If the leader shared superficially, the members will not feel safe to share deeply. In the support group, I realise that how much each member will share is directly proportional to how much I am willing to make myself vulnerable before them. So, I will always take the lead in the open confession time to set the right depth of sharing.

Third, same-sex lust is no different from opposite-sex lust. Lust comes in different shapes. Some are more inclined to lust after material things, some are more inclined to lust after the opposite sex, while some lust after the same sex. Yet, lust is lust. God does not rank sins, and all types of sins are equally displeasing to God. In this light, the sin of same-sex lust is not different from the sin of opposite-sex lust. It is good for those who struggle with same sex attraction to know that their lust does not warrant more punishment than other sins.  Nevertheless, the struggles of same-sex lust are different from those who struggle opposite-sex temptations. This is because they also have to battle against existing social stigmas. In addition, social stereotyping of gender roles and behaviours isn’t helpful. Therefore, many of them face intense shame and rejection compared to those who struggle with opposite-sex lust. Hence, we should learn not to generalise their struggles nor belittle their pain.

Fourth, same sex attraction goes beyond the sexual front. Several I know struggle with past baggage in their lives. Many have suffered traumatic childhood abuses. Some had absent or dysfunctional fathers, some were molested when young and some were exposed to pornography and masturbation in their early years by irresponsible adults. Many also experience emotional anguish due to the shame and rejection that they face regularly. Others struggle with loneliness as they think it is implausible that they could fall in love and marry someone they love. Therefore, it would be naive for one to think that those who struggle with same sex attraction only face issues related to their sexuality. They also battle with relational wounds, emotional and mental scars and self-condemnation. The healing that they pursue is for their whole being and not just for their sexuality.

Lastly, support groups are important in the pursuit of holiness. As mentioned, I usually begin the monthly support group with a time of open confession. You may think it consists of really big confessions where members would confess how each had committed homosexual acts with another stranger, but it is not. Most of the time, the confessions concern the entertaining of impure thoughts or the occasional fall into pornography or masturbation. One day, I realised that there are many brothers outside this support group who struggle daily with impure thoughts and fall more regularly into sexual sins than those in the support group. Yet, these folks have become so accustomed to their routine failures and perceived them as “common to man” that they do not experience a godly sorrow that leads to confessions and repentance like the brothers in the support group.

Since coming out, I have experienced definite victory over the battle against my sexual sins. However, sexual temptations remain real in my life. The support group has become the environment that God uses to keep me accountable and to practise the confession of sins to prevent bondage in this area of my life again. I therefore thank the brothers in the support group as it is they who have sharpened my sensitivity to sin. It is they who have taught me how to war against even the slightest hint of sensuality in my life.

Yes, thank you Pastor Toh, as hard as it is, we should learn to come out from the darkness of our sins in order to go into the church to help others walk in the light as well. In God’s timing, we will overcome and claim victory over our battles.

Sadly, we have come to the last episode of our series. I hope this journey has been an enriching and eye-opening for us all. I hope we have all learned and gained a deeper understanding of our same sex attracted friends as well as our own brokenness. As a church, let’s strive to be a warm and loving community that God has called us to be, nurturing and helping one another, and sharing in each other’s burdens and struggles. With love and perseverance, I pray that our churches will become more counter-cultural and a safe space that is accepting to everyone in need of God’s love.

Lastly, I pray that we all continue to pursue holiness, “so that [we] may live a life worthy of the Lord and please Him in every way: bearing good fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that [we] may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified [us] to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.” (Colossians 1:10-12)

Until next time, this has been Global Reachout and it has been a blessing to journey with you. Stay tuned, stay kind and have a great week!