Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I am Won KIM, voicing Pastor Caleb Soo Lee Chong. Shalom. Today, we’ll go into Lesson 17, “Family View of a Disciple”.

A happy family is built upon a beautiful marriage, and such a happy family would, in turn, cultivate their children to build their own happy families in time to come. Alas, today we are seeing divorces cases happening around us at speeds that are fast and furious. Apart from the impact from circumstantial changes and degenerating social ethics, influence from family-related factors (especially the marital relationships between parents) play an undeniable role as well. As Christians, how do we build up a Christ-centered family life with warmth and happiness? This will be our topic for today.

A huge chunk of our lives is taken up by attending to matters related to family, work and education. Which of these is more important? Some of us think that it’s family matters that matters most, as these occupy most of our time. We only step into working life after going through playschool all the way into higher education. After that, we go into the workplace – that takes up the lion’s share of our waking hours, and we cannot ignore that either. Today, we spent a lot of time in the family, workplace or school, all of which leave deep footprints on our lives. We will zoom in on the family segment today.

Marriage -- the tomb of love?

Marriage marks the start of a new family. Put another way, family life comes into being the moment marriage pushes off from the starter blocks. However, there are some who say, perhaps tongue-in-cheek that, "Marriage is the tomb of love". The renowned playwright, George Bernard Shaw, once remarked, “If anyone wants to marry, let him. If he doesn’t, don’t force him either. That is because both those who marry and those who don’t will end up in regret any way.” Do you agree with that? Obviously, Shaw takes a dim view of marriage. How, then, should Christians like ourselves view the institution of marriage?

It has been said that many are those who want to rush headlong into the fortress of marriage; on the other hand, we also see others already inside wanting to break out. One way or the other, this is what happens when we have people with differing expectations or experiences when it comes to matters of marriage.

Even so, marriage plays an important role in our lives. It takes up a large proportion of our time, too. This is why I said that marital relationships matters a great deal to us. How are couples to get along with each other, and how should one treat the other half in a marriage? It is important to bear in mind that our current focus is to build and work together as a happy family, rather than adhering to the passive or even escapist mentalities by labelling marriage as the tomb of love.

If you are still unattached, there is no need to force yourself out of this status. It is also true that no one should be marrying for its own sake. It would be meaningless to do all one can to seek a divorce after becoming man and wife. If you are already married, you must try your best to manage your married life, and even transform it to become what is pleasing in the eyes of God.

Build up a family that speaks of happiness, one in which the loving relationship between yourself and your spouse brings blessings to your children. That should be our attitude, rather than to run away from it. If you feel that something is amiss, that is because you are not getting the satisfaction that you are seeking -- which is why you are running away from it. That would not be the responsible thing to do. You have to come to terms with the notion that there is no turning back along the path of marriage; don’t ever think of exiting once you have set foot on the journey. Do not allow the marital knot to be untied; “tighten” it instead, so that you can move on to make the marriage vow -- “till death do us part” come true. That’s the way to go. No compulsion is to be involved in this, however, but it is to be done with wisdom and tact. That’s why we are exploring how to set up a happy marriage here.

Is pre-marital sex ok?

Let us look at the Bible in the book of 1 Corinthians chapter 6 verses 18-20 and Hebrews chapter 13 verse 4.

1. The 1 Corinthians passage says, “18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies.”

1. The Hebrews passage says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”

Love between a couple is where a happy marriage first takes root. It is the foundation that provides support to a successful marriage. If that is so, is pre-marital sex acceptable, then? The answer is a firm NO, going by the two foregoing Biblical texts, as this would lead to total harm. Why is that so?

First, the bodies of Christians were bought at a price, by the blood of Christ. Thus, on no account should one indulge himself in matters of marriage, but to preserve the purity of his marital bed. We are to honour God with our bodies and obey His instructions to keep ourselves pure and take good care of, rather than sin against, our own bodies. (1 Cor 6:18-20)

Secondly, the institution of marriage is sacred; sex, too, is a gift from God. He has ordained that sexual relationship is to take place within this institution; in other words, pre-marital sex, or even extra-marital sex falls outside the design of God. It is a sexual immorality that God will judge against. (Hebrews 13:4) We thus plead with our Heavenly Father to help us to keep our marriage bed pure. We have to view sexual life within a couple as a gift from God -- an immense, important and hallowed one at that. At no time is it to be defiled.

Thirdly, marriage is a natural outcome when a man meets with a woman, both get to know each other, fall in love and reach a stage when they can trust each other adequately to consider setting up a family together. The institution of marriage includes a vow where the couple announces that they will stay true together, until death do them part. In doing so, they are acknowledging to the entire congregation that their relationship is unique and long-lasting.  See the Biblical books of Genesis chapter 2 verses 24-25 and Mark chapter 10 verse 9 for more detail.

Sexual acts can only take place within a marital relationship between husband and wife. The bible is totally clear on this, and therefore, it is important for our young men and women to be clear-minded on such a teaching. Both parties are to keep their bodies from sinning, exercise purity and do nothing that will cause them to fall into temptation at the stage of courtship. Keep away from dimly-lit premises, do not bring the other party into your own room, thereby facilitating your own fall. We ask our Heavenly Father to have mercy on us, and keep our bodies pure, right from the very beginning.

What pre-marital sex leads to

The second question is this: What do you think will result from having a sexual relationship? In the Bible, the book of 2 Samuel chapter 13 verses 14-16 has this to say:

1. 14 But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her. 15 Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!”16 “No!” she said to him. “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.” But he refused to listen to her.

Dear brothers and sisters, as the male in this relationship, Amnon would not be feeling any happier after having sex. Indeed, this very act would make him look down on the girl as we can see from this narrative. Amnon is the elder half-brother of Tamar. He liked her for her beauty and led Tamar into his room and raped her, only to chase her out after that - a psychological phenomenon that is beyond our comprehension. A man will hold a woman in scorn instead of respect after having sex; a similar feeling arises in the woman, too.

This is to say that premarital sex does not bring them any closer at all but will, instead bring harm to the relationship between both parties -- and even in the days to come. Some girls may think that they can win the man’s heart by surrendering their bodies, but alas, the reverse turns out to be true. After getting what they want, many men would think of their mates as being cheap -- someone without any self-respect at all. Thus, he would not show her respect going forward. And hence the need to stay alert.

Secondly, both of them would be thinking about having sex again each time they meet up after their first tryst. The temptation of the flesh will draw their attention from thinking about other issues, such as mental and spiritual topics. Just imagine: sex is what comes first to the minds of the young couple, at the expense of exchanges on personal values or views of other issues. This is akin to building a house on sandy ground, only to see it fall apart when bad weather, flood waters or strong winds strike. Such a structure without robust underpinning is indeed a calamity waiting to happen.

As Christians, we have to exercise self-control and abstain from sex before marriage. “Self-control” is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, and control is required of us by the latter. Knowing how to exert control would greatly benefit one’s marriage. There are many who ape “modern trends” under the misguided notion that since many people are doing that, it should be ok. However, that the majority thinks likewise neither prove nor justify its acceptability from an ethical perspective. To be sure, the biblical view does not condone such acts. Hence, there is a need to control ourselves and hold back till marriage instead of indulging in sinful deeds.

How the church is to view those who have crossed the “red line”.

Next, we explore what attitude the church should take towards men / women or even believers who have crossed the “red line”. Since premature sex is now a fait accompli, to condemn or ostracize them merely serves to trigger their departure from the church. Such things should not happen. We have been advocating that God loves the world and turns away none. Likewise, the church should accept these brothers and sisters so that they will not be denied the opportunity to repent and return to the fold of our compassionate God. The church should not reject these people, but allow them to start anew, as sexual acts and premarital sex are not unpardonable, and the church should not give up on them. Instead, they should be led to return to His Presence through this opportunity. It is very important for us to learn how to accept these people unconditionally.

So, dear brothers and sisters, we are now the new creation in Christ and should be heralding “the old is gone! The new is here! Believe in Christ, the new creation has come!”  In the book of John chapter 8 verses 1-11, it relates Jesus declaring to the woman who committed adultery, saying “Then neither do I condemn you”. Yes, Jesus did not condemn her and hand her over to the Jews to be stoned to death. He saved this sinner and allowed her to repent instead.

Likewise, the church today should have such a heart, attitude and approach towards those who have offended God, rather than stop them at the church gates. May God help us. We, too, want to learn how to unconditionally accept our brothers and sisters in the same way as He had accepted us. God loves them, even as He loves us; God has pardoned us; we should learn how to forgive and accept others, so that they are able to experience the great love in the gospel of Christ. His grace is unconditional.

If our brothers and sisters have done wrong, the opportunity to stand up again would be still be there, nonetheless. To people in our midst who have done wrong, you should bear this in mind, “…as far as the east is from the west, so far has God removed our transgressions from us.” He has set these aside, and would not keep these wrongdoings and transgressions at heart. Likewise, you are to start anew, come to face God and build up your marital relationships. Amen.

Let’s pray

Dear Heavenly Father

How we thank Thee! You have gifted the institution of marriage and sexual relationships to us. Lord, you have taught us how to respect our own bodies and what marital relationships mean. You have shown us how to conduct our sexual lives, so that we do not offend you in these matters. Indeed, we want to live in awe of you and to experience your gifts. To anyone within our midst who has sinned but has since become aware of the guilt and consequences of such acts, I shall remove such sense of guilt in the name of the Lord....

All past sins are pardoned in Jesus Christ. Allow them to get up on their feet again, because when anyone lives in Christ, the new creation has come, while the old is gone! Everything is new here! This is your good news – and these showers of blessings come from You. Our gratitude knows no bounds! In the name of the Lord Jesus, I pray, Amen!

Recommendations by Rev. Dr Caleb SOO Lee Chong

The three books “The Gospel for the Modern Man”, “Faith of the Modern Believer” and “Values for the Modern Disciple” by Rev. Dr Caleb SOO Lee Chong are worthy books to edify disciples. In order to minimize differences in the qualities amongst Christians, our churches need to set up basic courses to address these issues. In turn, this will enable all disciples to incorporate their faith into their lives and allow changes to take place through renewal of minds. May God make use of these basic courses to edify more disciples to strengthen His soldiers and claim victory on His battle-ground!

The three books “The Gospel for the Modern Man”, “Faith of the Modern Believer” and “Values for the Modern Disciple” are suitable course materials for anyone who wish to acquire understanding of the Christian faith in a more comprehensive manner. The contents are easy to grasp and relate to the real world that we are living in. They are written with an eye for the man-in-the-street and explore how to make our faith come alive in our daily social interactions.

In particular, these are suitable if you  

1. are someone who wants to understand the Christian faith or,

2. are someone who has just accepted the Christian faith or,

3. have been a Christian for many years but still hungering for a firmer grounding in the faith or,

4. are a pastor or co-worker who plans to use these materials for teaching purposes.

If you need to take up learning or use these materials in a systematic manner, please us contact at this email address.：[email protected]