I’m Elijah, a husband, and a father of two growing teenagers. Today I’ll be sharing on how fathers can provide security for our children in three different parts. In this first part, I’ll be sharing about the kind of love we demonstrate and the kind of environment we create at home.

When fathers establish proper moral authority, our conviction and the freedom of our discipline, create a sense of security for our children. When fathers confer for a Christ-centred identity on our children in terms of their values, friends, and the choices they make in life, they are safe to knowing who they are. But equally important to the foundation of authority and identity is the environment of love, emotional stability, and open communication we create at home. It is like the air we breathe in our home.

Proverbs 18:10 says that “the name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and is safe.” If fathers are image bearers of God, we too must be the strong tower and the safe refuge that our children can run back to.

It is therefore important that we examine the kind of environment that our fathering creates at home. Is it one that creates fear, shame, and guilt? Let's look at this diagram here. Do you know that love that is based on expectation is one that drives performance in our children. It is a love that expect our children to make us happy to fulfil the dreams and wishes that we have for them. It is a love that is conditional. One that expect our children to return our favour for loving them. Now, when our children don't meet the mark of our expectation, we become disappointed with them, leaving them feeling guilty and shameful, and the belief that they can never be good enough, no matter how hard they try. Now, this is really a vicious cycle that feed into an atmosphere of fear at home. Now, is this what we want?

Moreover, love that is based on expectation is also self-love. Let me tell you how. You know whenever we say, I want others, I want my children, I want my wife to meet my expectation of them. In that way, we value and love our expectation more than we truly love them for who they are. Now think about it. Isn't that self-love?

Now in contrast, God’s love is not conditional. God's love is not based on the expectation or the transactional exchange. It is one sided, expecting nothing in return. It keeps on giving and forgiving, totally self-sacrificial in nature. Just think about Jesus loves us, Jesus demonstrated his love for us by dying on the cross while we were still sinners, while we were still his enemies and completely useless to him.

Unlike self-love, sacrificial love is intentional. It creates no fear, and only brings freedom and joy. He froze on the abundance of selfless love. It is a love that freely shows grace and forgiveness, even if our children make mistakes or fail to meet our expectations. Love shows appreciation for who they are, not for what we expect them to become. And sacrificial love brings an atmosphere of freedom and joy in the home that leads to an turn overflowing abundance of love. Now, wouldn't we want this instead?

So if we really love like how God loves us, we will therefore not have any selfish expectation of children or of our wives. We will not try to control or manipulate them for our own sake, so that they will meet our ideals for them. We will keep on forgiving, just as Father God through Christ has freely forgiven us.

Now, pure love, such as this, is eternally source by God himself. In 1 John 4:7-9 we read, “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only son into the world that we might live through him.” It further reads in verses 18 and 19, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected by love. We love because God first loved us.” So from these verses it is crystal clear that God alone should be the source of our love for our children and our loved ones, including our wives. It is a perfect love that doesn't create fear. Instead, it is not based on the expectation, and it does not drive performance.

Finally, before we end part one, let me draw our attention to our marriage. Do you know that our children are emotionally sensitive? They can feel and observe the barbs between mom and dad. They see how we love and respect their mother. How we love our wives is actually the core of their security. To grow up in an emotionally secure home, they need to know that we would never leave our wives. Not through legal divorce nor separation, and neither through distancing and disengaging from our wives emotionally. Our marriage vows remind us that commitment is for better and for worse, for richer, for poorer, only till death do we part. Our children need to know that mom and dad will always find ways to settle our conflicts and differences, to freely forgive each other without harbouring bitterness and resentment. They need to know that mom and dad have a lasting commitment to each other, to comfort, to nature, to support each other through thick and thin. Now, this is a commitment that is not based on expectation nor a transaction.

As we conclude, part one, I'd like to invite us as fathers to examine ourselves first. Are we truly loving our wives just as Christ has love us unconditionally? Secondly, in our fathering journey, what kind of environment have we been creating at home? Is it one that is based on fear and expectation? Or is it one that is based on the pure love of God? Thank you for listening, I will see you soon in part two. Thank you.