Bringing Heaven Home

11 Moral Authority (4)

Hi, fathers, good to see you again, mothers, grandparents. Welcome to ‘The World Needs A Father’, Bringing Heaven Home series, chapter six. This is the last part, part four, on assuming disciplinary responsibility. Part three, we were looking at developing moral authority in our lives. And from developing moral authority, we want now to look at how we can assume and implement disciplinary responsibility. Let’s move on.

A quick recap. We were talking earlier, in part three, about the need to submit to our mentors in all areas of our life. In all the six areas, we're talking about spiritual, mental, physical, emotional, social and environment. And how we need to get our mentors to check on us, on our pride, on the issue of possession and money, on power, on pleasure, so that we’ll always be kept walking in the straight and narrow pathway.

Now a father will have to assume the disciplinary responsibility. It’s a unique formula, I think it came out from Harvard, a formula about how to go about implementing disciplinary responsibilities. It’s R + R - R^2 = R + R, and what in the world is all of that? Normally in a group I would ask for answers, and those who get it right I'll treat them into a nice lunch. R + R is rules plus regulation, I don't talk about R^2 first, will lead to rebellion and resistance. I have seen enough, the R^2,  where there is no a respect, no respectable relationship in any team, in any organization, people will rebel, people will resist. You can come out with all the rules and regulation at home anywhere. But without a kind of respect given to people, they will rebel, they will resist. So this is one of the important things to take note. Respectful relationship is so important with our children, with our wives, with anybody for that matter?

So in discipline, assuming the discipline, there are two things I'd like to talk about. Different disciplinary influence and disciplinary values. They are basically, when I talk about discipline by example, by affirming your child, spiritual discipline – yourself set for the good example of prayer, reading the word. Self-discipline is in the area of learning to be in control of your emotion. The holistic aspect is that you must be balanced, looking in all areas of your lives. Collective discipline is allowing others in a community to discipline our child when need to. Corrective is what we will talk about later, about what corrective discipline upon our child is all about. Disciplinary values as in Hebrews 12:7-11, we talk about the need to always discipline in love. It must always be in the spirit of love, care and not an autocratic, unreasonable leader. Then we need to hold a family conference, whereby together with your wife, or husband and wife, set forth the ground rules and values to the entire family, to be brief, so that they can know the reason why. And the intention of all discipline is that all of us, together with our children will grow towards spiritual majority, to become Christ-like in every way.

This is the Reuben Hill case study. It is conducted a study of thousands of teens and parents in Minnesota which shows forth 4 kinds of discipline. 4 kinds of what I would say forth as parenting style in families. And the focus here is on the manner in which a father or the parent exert his authority and his leadership at home. There is that permissive, first one, and below you look, the neglectful, the authoritarian, and the authoritative. Permissive parenting are parents who do not want to offend the child, the child become like king. Which result in the child actually feeling insecure when things are not the way they want. It is a child-centric parenting, when it should be a Christ-centred, Christ-centric parenting. Neglectful parenting is basically fathers are too busy with their own life. And that will cost the child to feel forsaken, feel neglected, feel abandoned. Authoritative parenting is what you see in the picture, fierce, critical, down, telling him follow me or you’ll get it. And it will cause a child actually to the rebel. Remember we said about respectful relationship. And the last one is authoritative parenting, and that's the one that we like all parents to move towards. The parents are fellowship parents, the parents are happy, secure. And when you treat the child that way, the child will feel loved, affirmed. And the child will result feeling very secure and a good sense of self-esteem. So these are the 4 aspects of the way the discipline or the way we relate to our child. It’s good to know and to make note of.

There are ten basic disciplinary rules that we talk about. I quickly run through the ten. It is to know and understand the child’s world. We give different strokes for different child. Are you emotionally connected with your child in a respectful way? Only say no when necessary, not just because you feel like it. When you discipline, is to educate, not punish. And do not let the sun goes down on your anger, when you become out of control. The discipline must fit the action. Two warnings, and the third, you have to give out the discipline. Exercise patience when the child is tired. Debrief always in love after disciplining, pull him back, explain to him why. And the types of discipline that many parents use. These are the four that I most commonly use. Spanking, the old fashioned approach that some people, some fathers, some parents still believe, about spare the rod and spoil the child. And a child do something wrong, you send him to the room or to the bathroom. What I use very often in my second one is I get him to stand up the corner. If he is 3 years old, 3 minutes, 4 years old, 4 minutes. And at a maximum, when he was 5, I used 5 minutes standing at a corner. It can be very, very painful, not to do, not go anywhere. And lastly, for teenagers, withhold privileges. And all these need to be done in wisdom.

We need to realize that your children will become what you are. So be what you want them to be. This is a quote by Frank Pittman, which is very significant. We need to know, fathers, that ‘the guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of childraising is not the child, but the parent.’ Isn't it interesting? And I think it's true. We are always in a process of God the father, the potter, fine-tuning our life. We are always in the process of becoming more and more like Christ.

And so before that, so sorry. I want to sum up by saying that, we have looked at part one, what moral authorities are all about and it simply means no morals, no authority. We need to walk the talk. Part two, we talked about clarity. After learning what moral authority is all about, we need to be clear of God's assignment for your life. And part three, we talked about developing moral authority with convictions and with accountability. And today we finish up by assuming and implement moral authority in our lives, and to the lives of our children in a humble and servant hood manner.

And so the reflective questions for you to take note of will be this. What discipline styles did you grow up with? How did your father discipline you? Which of the four you frequently use? Permissive, neglectful, authoritarian, or authoritative? And the third is significant for your wife and you to talk about. Why do you want to discipline on the first place? What values and approach are you and your wife using when you discipline? And are you both on the same page? If not, you’ll be constantly be in conflict, and your child will be using you against each other. So that (being on the same page) will prevent that happening. Thank you very much for listening. See you again.