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Moral kidnapping, as discussed in these three chapters, is not limited to friends and relatives, nor is it confined to teachers and students or people who are acquainted with one another. It also happens among total strangers in public spaces. We must be mindful of how we speak to avoid such unpleasant scenarios from unfolding.
I heard of a case where an elderly woman asked her daughter-in-law why she was still barren after being married for five years. Little did she realize that the issue could have stemmed from her own son. Such behavior is a clear example of moral kidnapping.
How should we respond to moral kidnapping? First, as previously mentioned, the line between moral duty and moral kidnapping is a fine one. We must engage in introspection to determine if we have done anything wrong. If we have, we must offer our apologies and make amends accordingly.
In the case of the man who called me past midnight to accompany him to the hospital, he might have viewed his request as reasonable, since I had assisted him during the day on previous occasions. Often, we feel obligated to love and respond to the needs of others. However, if such a request falls outside our limits, we must be prepared for some pushback when we decline.
One way to respond is with an outright rebuttal: “Look, it’s past midnight. My kids need to rest and attend lessons tomorrow, and I have work as well. You should ask your family members for help instead of waking up everyone at this unearthly hour.”
Of course, if it were a matter of life and death, the situation would be entirely different.
A second approach is to shift the focus and counter with: “Would you be okay with me calling you at midnight if the same thing happened to me?” This places him in your position and allows him to see things from your perspective.
Alternatively, you could say, “You can ask your children to take you to the hospital, can’t you? If this happens again, please speak to my secretary during office hours.” Setting boundaries makes it clear that you are not at his constant disposal.
When encountering moral kidnapping, respond based on moral principles. Do not mince your words—just make it clear that you are not obligated to comply. How often do we fall victim to moral kidnapping simply because we fear that saying ‘no’ will cause us to ‘lose face’? Stand firm. Communicate clearly and politely that you have your own priorities and will not bend over backwards to accommodate unreasonable demands. However, you can suggest alternative solutions without sounding evasive. This requires wisdom.
Learn to handle these situations strategically, especially with individuals who constantly push boundaries.
For example, if someone says, “I heard that counselors like you are volunteers. Why am I being charged, then?” you can simply explain that counselors, too, have living expenses, including food, transport, and other necessities.
Similarly, if someone tries to guilt-trip you into giving away merchandise for free by saying, “It wouldn’t hurt you to let me have a few pieces since you buy in bulk at a low cost,” you can firmly respond, “If I were to give freebies to everyone, I would be out of business in no time!”
For those who pressure you to match their charitable contributions, you can say, “I appreciate your generosity, but we all have different capacities and responsibilities. No two people can contribute in exactly the same way.”
Some may even try to preemptively coerce you by saying, “Surely you can match my humble donation given your position?” Your response should be direct: “I’ll be brutally honest—I can’t do that.” No need for elaborate explanations or apologies. Shut down the conversation decisively: “This is my final decision. I will not succumb to blackmail, say what you will!”
You must be blunt if you are unwilling to comply. Avoid pressure tactics. If needed, simply walk away. The most effective response to anyone trying to exploit your time and resources is a firm, “No, that’s it. Period.” Keep it short and sharp.
Of course, when dealing with loved ones, we should handle the situation with both sense and sensibility. “Sense” pertains to the emotional aspects of relationships that cannot be ignored, while “sensibility” helps us navigate the situation without causing unnecessary awkwardness.
Returning to the earlier example of the daughter-in-law being questioned about her childlessness, she could say, “I’ve consulted a doctor, but your son has refused to do the same.” This response is honest, firm, and prevents further distress. She might also reassure her mother-in-law that she will raise the issue with her husband and ask not to be pressured further.
This approach tactfully clears the air and sets boundaries without unnecessary conflict.
One of my favorite biblical verses is “speak the truth in love.” I am often perplexed by the hypocrisy of those who hide behind a facade of false politeness. Such insincerity usually backfires and creates more problems in the long run.
When speaking the truth in love, consider the listener’s situation and deliver your message with sincerity, keeping in mind the biblical principles of being salt and light—nourishing rather than hurting others.
Knowing how to decline requests properly is also important.
With close friends or relatives, we can turn down requests in a polite and gentle manner. However, this does not apply to strangers who try to corner us into compliance. For instance, if someone unexpectedly asks for your phone number, you can firmly decline.
I often find myself in such situations, with people claiming they need to consult me about family issues. In such cases, I direct them to call the counseling hotline. If they insist that the hotline is always busy, I respond, “That’s not going to work because I may not be able to take your call either. Besides, I cannot provide counseling services this way.”
If they react bitterly, accusing me of lacking compassion, I clarify, “I don’t make promises I can’t keep. My schedule is packed, and I have other responsibilities as well. You wouldn’t want me to become overwhelmed and ineffective, would you?”
Sometimes, you must stand firm. Some individuals will push back, saying, “The hotline staff insist on face-to-face sessions, which are chargeable. Surely you won’t charge me just for a quick phone call?”
In response, I make it clear that while I’m willing to help, my personal phone is not for professional use. I also emphasize the importance of maintaining personal boundaries and explain that this session will be free—just this once.
If you suspect someone is deliberately making things difficult, stand your ground. Be clear, ignore inflammatory remarks, and do not allow yourself to be manipulated. The best way to avoid further entanglement is to stay focused on your own priorities. Do not be swayed by emotional blackmail or allow yourself to be drawn into unnecessary drama.
We must avoid moral pitfalls, especially on exhausting workdays. My counseling work takes place in rented premises, and sometimes clients stay past office hours.
When that happens, I tell them that the space is unavailable after six. If they insist they need urgent help, I may extend the session by five minutes. However, once time is up, I stand up, close the door, and politely but firmly end the session. I make my boundaries clear from the start.
I follow a three-step approach: First, direct refusal. Second, explaining the constraints. Third, showing them the door if necessary. I know that a single “no” can erase all previous goodwill in the eyes of a moral kidnapper, but that is the risk we must take.
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