Hello friends! Welcome back to another episode of “Walking with Same-Sex Attracted Friends”. Today, we will be embarking on the journey of Carrie Ty and her experience of walking alongside her same sex attracted friends.

It all started 6 years ago when I found out that a close friend of mine, whom I had known for many years, was gay. That revelation broke my heart because I realised that even though we had been friends for so many years, he did not feel comfortable enough to tell me since I found out about it from someone else. Question came rushing in like: Why couldn’t he tell me? Since when was he gay? Oh, how he must have struggled all these years trying to hide it!

Because this topic hit so close to home, I felt the need to find out more about it. I started asking my gay friends about their sexuality. At about the same time, Christopher Yuan’s testimony on YouTube was circulating online and I was deeply impacted as I watched it. Hearing from my gay friends, watching Christopher’s video testimony and reading his book “Out of A Far Country”, gave me a deeper insight into the psyche of gay people, their struggles and what God desires for them. I realised that many Christians do not have a clear understanding about homosexuality, and hence, the first important step we need to make is to gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be gay, and then how a gay person might perceive the words and actions of the Christian community. If not, we may make unhelpful judgments or comments which could hurt the gay community. There were many things I learnt but I will share three things here.

First, most gay people do not “choose” to be gay. Their same sex attraction is something natural to them, just as our opposite-sex attraction is for us heterosexuals. One specific  comment my gay friend made which really struck me was: “Why would I choose to be gay? It’s so hard!” This explains why many gay people have tried straight relationships in their desperate attempt to prove to themselves that they are not gay.

Second, the Christian approach towards gay people should not be about “converting” them to becoming straight. Instead, I have learnt from Christopher Yuan that it is about pursuing holy sexuality, and that applies to all of us, whether we are same sex attracted or straight, single or married. It is about celibacy in singleness and fidelity in marriage. So, since a gay person is not biblically permitted to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex, then they are called to celibacy, just as any straight single person is.

Third, I have learnt that it is not helpful to generalise the gay community as gay people are as different to one another as straight people are. Just as we would not say that all straight people have multiple relationships or like to club, so too we cannot make the same assumption or generalisation of a gay person.

I soon found myself going to church with a group of gay people during the weekends as they were interested in settling into a church. Yet, when they opened up about their sexuality to the church leaders, they were only met with blank responses and were told that they had to repent before they could be accepted as members. Despite being unable to be a part of the church community, they continued to attend services on the weekends, but I wondered if they felt rejected by the church. I felt that what my friends needed was to grow in their understanding of the Word of God and to grow as believers. If they didn’t know God’s Word, how would they know who God really is and how He wants them to live? Because they had difficulty assimilating into the church, I felt God nudging me to start a Bible study group for them, so that we could study the Word together.

For me, shepherding a group of same sex attracted Christian males in Bible study was totally out of my realm of contemplation and comfort, and I felt deeply unqualified to do so as a heterosexual female. However, I knew that I had the Lord as my guide. I didn’t choose this ministry, but God gave it to me so that I would learn to rely on Him alone and not on my own abilities.

The group of us would gather every week to study the Word of God. Although we started with a handful of same sex attracted Christians, God soon added to our group a variety of new members from diverse backgrounds. We had people struggling with divorce, those battling cancer, those from dysfunctional families, singles and so on. I often wondered why our group was not the “usual” Christian group, but I believe God brought us all together for a reason. Since the beginning of our fellowship, I encouraged authentic sharing between the group members. Wonderfully, we became candid about sharing our struggles, joys, prayer requests, and views about the passages we were studying – without the fear of judgement.

However, one of the real struggles I had as a group leader was how much I should bring up the topic of homosexuality and what the Bible taught about it. On one hand, I wondered if it was my “duty” to bring it up and to challenge members in this area. Yet, on the other hand, I felt that I had to also be a friend and show acceptance, and it wouldn’t be nice to keep bringing the topic up. After all, we are all sinners and fallen. We are all struggling with sin. Who would like it if their cell leader kept singling out the sin they were struggling with? How would that make them feel? So, in the end, I stood on the side of caution and was circumspect about bringing it up. Instead, I focused on building friendships first so that they knew that, first and foremost, I was their friend. I wanted to show them love and that I genuinely cared. This way, if God should give me the opportunity to speak about same sex attraction, they would know I am coming from a place of care and love, not judgment. And God did give me opportunities to speak to them on a one-to-one basis. I think all of them knew where I stood on this matter and sometimes, I felt that that was enough.

We met as a group for a few years and grew to really love and care for each other. One of the gay members said that he could be open about his sexuality in our group but felt he couldn’t be the same way in his own church cell group. If you asked me today if I think they have grown in their knowledge of the Word and their love of God, I would say yes. Do I see significant changes in their relationships, for instance, have they decided to give up their partners and choose celibacy? Maybe not. Yes, I do feel guilty sometimes, and wonder if I have done enough to shed light on the topic of homosexuality and to encourage members to live holy lives in this area. I wonder if I’ve failed as their Bible study leader when I don’t see the changes. But I cling on to a personal message which Christopher Yuan sent me when I wrote to him early on in this ministry to ask for advice in this area. He thanked me for reaching out to my same sex attracted friends and told me that our goal is not to ‘fix’ our friend because only God can change a person. Isn’t this amazing? We often feel the need to go around “fixing” people, and for some reason, we focus so much on the Christians with same sex attraction. But ultimately, only God can convict and truly transform a person – and that includes us! So, what makes us think that we can change a gay person? Only the almighty God can do that, in His own gracious way and time. The job of changing them is God’s. The job of showing acceptance is us. And when I say “change”, I mean the transformation of their hearts to wholeheartedly follow Jesus, leaving behind their world of sin to follow the light. And this includes all of us.

I was able to give them a place to sit and stand – literally and figuratively. Like a gardener giving them space in the garden and some soil. Maybe they won’t grow, maybe they will. But if one doesn’t even get a space in the garden, where does one get one’s food? If one doesn’t even have soil, how will someone else apply the fertiliser? They were accepted and they had the Word and prayer filling their hearts. And these are the bits that add up. It’s the amount of kindness you receive that allows you to give the kindness back. Here, they found friendship, acceptance and love, and that is how they can find and know God. As for the change? I can only trust God to bring it about in His own way and time, because He loves them far more than I do or can ever imagine. My desire for the Christian community is that it will develop a better understanding of what it means to have same sex attraction, so that we will reach out to people with same sex attraction and show them love and acceptance. I pray that we will give them space in the garden of the Christian community, so that God the Gardener can work in their lives. If they don’t feel welcomed by Christians and the church, they will turn to the world for acceptance. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We are not an elite club, so let’s not single out people with same sex attraction to meet so-called “higher standards”. For the church is not a museum for saints, but a hospital for sinners. We are all subject to the same standards, which Christ has paid the price for, and we all need the same transforming power and love of God.

In the next episode, we will be listening to a reflection by Marianne Wong on the stories of those who journey alongside brothers and sisters-in-Christ who experiences same-sex attraction. Until next time, this has been Global Reachout and it has been a blessing to journey with you. Stay tuned, stay kind and have a great week!