Hello friends! Welcome back to another episode of “Walking with Same-Sex Attracted Friends”. Often times, when we are in a difficult situation in life or in the midst of constant struggle with sin, we feel utterly lost and alone. Afraid to be vulnerable and to rely on people who may not understand or react the way we expect them to. Afraid to be judged or seen differently. Not knowing who to confide in or if anyone would listen. Even in a church community, a place that supposedly seems safe, you still feel ostracised and alone. Have you ever been in that position before? Well, today, we will listen to another personal story of a sister-in-Christ, Naomi Goh, and her journey and struggle of being a Christian with same-sex attraction and the importance of a church community.

“I’m pretty sure you’re not straight.” Those words struck fear deep into my heart. For months, I was distressed by questions like, “How can I differentiate between romantic love and Philos love?” “If I experience the same kind of passionate affection for any male or female I interact with, does that mean I am attracted to them?” “Am I actually bisexual?” The more I asked, the more convinced I was that my attraction was more than mere friendly affection.

I was a 19-year-old new Christian at the time, and the thought that I was something so “counter-Christian” was just frightening. What do I do now? What will the church think of me after they find out, or of my parents whom they recognise as church leaders? Fear soon turned into shame and guilt that seemed to never wear off, like a permanent stain on my skin that I couldn’t wash off. Unable to deal with the overwhelming anxiety, I attempted to brush the thought aside. My attempts, however, were futile. I found myself spending each day discovering new things about my experience with same-sex attraction. However, the more I discovered, the more afraid I became.

It took me 2 months to bring up my sexuality to someone. I was sharing an honest conversation with my pastor on my struggles in my Christian walk when I blurted out, “What does the Bible say about homosexuality?” My pastor paused and considered my face for a moment before gently asking why I asked. My heart started to palpitate, instantly regretting every word. Timidly, I told her that I think I might be bisexual. Uttering those words threw me into a frenzy, yet, my pastor gently thanked me for sharing my secret with her and reminded me that knowing that I was bisexual did not change the fact that she loved me as a sister-in-Christ. She ended the night by praying for me and entrusting my sorrows to the Lord.

On hindsight, perhaps it was God who had placed that question on my lips that night, knowing that I needed to share this burden in my heart with someone. That was His first prompt for me to glorify Him in my struggle with same-sex attraction. By using her to model His love for me, He started a budding friendship with my sister-in-Christ who would eventually journey with me in my struggle even till today.

She passed me a book titled, “Washed and Waiting: Reflection on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality” written by Wesley Hill. Wesley’s book illustrates the brutality of his life as a Christian who experiences same sex attraction but has committed his life to obeying God’s clear instruction that practicing homosexuality is a sin. After reading Wesley’s story, I broke down in tears. It seemed as though he had read my heart and penned down my exact fear of interacting with my sisters-in-Christ and my dread of never being able to quench my desire for lifelong intimacy and companionship in the quest to remain celibate. For the first time since I recognised my same-sex attraction, I felt God comforting me amidst my anxieties and sorrow, assuring me that I was not alone. Moreover, in one of his chapters, he provided insights on whether the Bible condemns Christians with same-sex attraction to lifelong loneliness. His answer was no as he reveals that “The remedy for loneliness… is to learn, over and over again… to feel God’s keeping presence embodied in the human members of the community of faith. The church.”

Wesley was able to cope with his unceasing loneliness by building honest, intimate relationships with his church community. I could never imagine myself sharing such an intimate relationship with a brother or sister-in-Christ. Choosing to be vulnerable and open about my struggles with the church had always been a challenge. My attempts to reveal bits of my struggles had mostly been met by awkward silences, my friends immediately changing the subject of conversation, or telling me that they had experienced worse and that I should just deal with it and move on. How could I move on when my anxiety and attraction pervaded every single moment of my daily life, even though I detested these emotions so much? The thought of having to share another raw piece of my life re-triggered painful memories of feeling embarrassed and ashamed whenever my brothers and sisters-in-Christ disregarded the bits I had already mustered the courage to share. I was at a point of my life where I found it difficult to build healthy relationships with my friends due to the constant disappointment I faced whenever my uncommunicated expectations of them were not met. I grew angry with myself for my inability to form intimate trusting friendships with my peers.

My long-drawn bitterness towards the church eventually developed into bitterness towards God. I argued and questioned Him: Why would you give me same-sex attraction if you are displeased with it? Why did You will the church to be a medium through which I experience Your love, when my church does not seem to love me? Why do You bless the people around me but put me through such suffering? God, do you even love me? 

After many months of struggling to pray and praise God, I felt His gentle prompting again at Wesley Hill’s 2017 conference in Singapore. He placed the current attitudes Christians hold on same-sex relationships on a spectrum. On one end were Christians who struggled to embrace people with same-sex attraction and condemned homosexuality. On the other end were liberal Christians who believed that God will accept any believer into His kingdom, regardless of whether they are attracted to the same-sex or not. I found myself simultaneously at both ends of the spectrum – while I wanted to say “I am just made bisexual, God should just accept me for who I am”, I would also beat myself up each time I thought that way knowing that it is clearly written in the Bible that practicing homosexuality is a sin. Wesley offered an alternative – to be in the awkward middle. While God’s Word insists that pursuing homosexual relationships is a sin, justice has also been ensured by Christ’s blood for us, regardless of our sexuality. Choosing to stay in the middle means 2 things. Firstly, it means a daily rejection of that part of myself that experiences same-sex attraction. This involves pulling myself away from situations where I found myself at risk of giving in to any same-sex temptations, such as choosing not to meet my female friends individually when I recognise that I have a desire for them. Secondly, it also means learning to resist self-degradation and accept that Jesus Christ has already cleansed me of my sins. I can now stand righteous and sinless in the presence of God through hope and repentance.

God sent into my life 3 sisters-in-Christ who embraced my broken self and constantly reminded me of how valuable and loved I was in God’s eyes. They challenged me to be the church, rather than wait for the church to be the church. In Ephesians 4: 4-6, it is written that “There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” I felt God softly reassuring me that regardless of whether I was bisexual or not, I am loved, and I have been saved into the church. I am part of this one body of Christ, and I am not alone. He assured me not to be afraid and that He will help me to not only love the church, but also be the church. I believe that God will use me to shine His light and demonstrate His love to those who, like me, were once disregarded by their community. I believe that He has a plan for me and that although, nothing much has changed, and it is still a daily struggle to resist the temptation of pursuing a same-sex relationship, as much as it is still a struggle to be intentional in placing Christ in the centre of my relationships, I believe the Lord will use me and strengthen me to glorify Him with my life. There are still nights when the loneliness feels too excruciating, and there have also been days when I give in to the temptation of feeding my same-sex attraction. However, with God on my side, I have chosen to struggle each day in anticipation of Christ’s return, when I will no longer feel lonely or struggle with my attraction. By God’s grace, I am washed clean and waiting for the time when all things are made new.

Friends, this race that we are running is not a sprint, but a marathon. There will be twists and turns, mountains and storms that will come crashing in along the way. But through it all, always remember that we are running a longer race, with a further end goal in mind, where we meet our Father in heaven who will be waiting for us with open arms as we cross the finish line. As the Apostle Paul said in Acts 20: 24, “I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me – the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.”

In the next episode, we will be listening to another personal story of a brother-in-Christ, Gabriel Goh, and his journey of returning to the Lord. Until then, this has been Global Reachout and it has been a blessing to journey with you. Stay tuned, stay kind and have a great week!